Appropriate consequence for preteen

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mjkobe

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My daughter (12) doesn’t respect me as an authority figure, and it’s spreading to school / other authorities.

This week has been really difficult, I’ll spare the drama, but she essentially wouldn’t take no for an answer - lied / gaslit me - and then went into a fit of rage because I wouldn’t believe her, where she pushed me, swatted at my face, called me a f’n B****, etc. I then told her she couldn’t do X over the weekend.

Here’s the issue, I always say she can’t do X when she’s acting up, but then feel guilty and let her do it anyways.

So the next day, I told her that she could still go to her friends party. However, on the way home from school - she got mad at me because I told her “no” over something, and actually jumped out of my car. So I circled back, told her she won., and let her get her way. After that, I said she couldn’t go to her school social event on Friday.

Felt bad AGAIN, so the next day I told her she could negotiate her consequence, and still go to the school event.

Then last night, I was trying to talk to her about our hard week, that she absolutely could not hit me. Could not jump out of my car or attempt to run away. That she could not call me names. That there will be consequences for her actions. During this talk, she got really mad and started mocking me, saying she didn’t regret jumping out of the car, refused to accept her role in our arguments, and also said she would push me again if she felt like it.
She called me a B***** again. She apologized for that one immediately though.

Anyways, tonight is the night of her school event, and I don’t want to take her. I think it would be a fitting consequence, but I’m starting to doubt myself again. I want to help teach her to do better, not shame her or give her extreme punishments. I want her to get acclimated in her new school, and make friends. But I also want her to accept responsibility, and accept that I do have power over her while she’s a child.

WHAT DO I DO ?!!!
 
@bencollyer91 I second this. She knows you cave and have no boundaries, so she gets WHATEVER she wants even when she’s an asshole. She isn’t gaslighting you, she’s 12. Be an adult and discipline her. Shit is going to SUCK but you made this bed to sleep in.
 
@mjkobe stop feeling guilty and let her learn how to deal with the consequences of her actions.

i have a 12yo myself and honestly cannot believe you let this shit fly. act like an asshole the whole week, and i will make this a weekend you will never forget.
 
@altrechts I have a slight edit to offer: learn to sit with your guilt and explore it before acting on it.

I have an 11 year old and while I have been known to walk back punishments it’s when I’ve been too harsh.

Bonus content: sit down with your kid and go over your past and how it has informed your parenting up to now in a broad, age appropriate way. And let her know you’re working on it and to expect changes.
 
@altrechts 🙏 thanks for the advice

I struggle with parenting, I grew up in an abusive and neglectful home, where there were no rules. So setting boundaries / appropriate consequences hasn’t been a strong point for me.
 
@mjkobe oh i totally get it! its hard and it makes you feel so shitty as a parent. especially when you reflect on your own upbringing and can remember how this would have made you feel.

but its really the best for them in the long run. she can't respect you if your not holding her accountable.
 
@mjkobe If you are able, read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents"

It's 😳😳😳 and really helps you understand how your childhood shaped how you parent. The best part is that there is no blame throwing in the book.
 
@donddc47xxx Yeah :/ and I want to do better from here on out. But I don’t want to give disproportionate consequences, and Parenting blogs don’t give examples for this kind of behavior 🫣😅
 
@mjkobe #1 stop giving high stakes consequences that you don't have the backbone to enforce

If you don't want to say yes, but don't think you can follow through on the no, give a non answer in the moment "we'll see", "I'll think about it", "have you done [whatever responsibility she has] yet?"

#2 start giving consequences for smaller things and practice following through. As others have said, consistency is key. If you can build that consistency in lower stakes decisions that she is less likely to push back on, it will help her understand that you are serious in a year when you say no to something.

You both would probably benefit from some therapy, too. You mentioned you came from an abusive, neglectful household. You've left the abuse behind, but being unable to enforce limits and consequences is also a form of neglect.
 
@mjkobe Tbh, you’re trying to begin using a “consequences” (punishment, as opposed to natural consequences) based approach right at the stage where many parents who have used it effectively in the past find that it stops working well. You don’t really have much of a foundation to build on as she starts asserting a developmentally normal need for increased independence. So I’m not sure how successful this is likely to be. I agree with the recommendation for therapy. Maybe family counseling to get some professional guidance.
 
@mjkobe In my interactions with boys aged 10-14 I find the best course of action is to speak less, carry a bigger stick, and enforce consequences immediately, not later. If any of the boys in my little after-school program hit me they would IMMEDIATELY feel consequences. It wouldn't be, "Oh you hit me so now you don't get to go on that cool trip two weeks from now."

The longer the gap between action and consequences, the more chance that resentment builds.

Instant feedback/consequences might be tough short term but won't build resentment in the long term. IMO.
 
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