Reposting here as the mods over at r/oneanddone didn’t like my post
My husband and I always assumed we’d have more than one kid. And still love the idea of having two kids. However my gut is telling me that being OAD is ultimately the right choice for us. We both have to work. It isn’t an option for one of us to be a stay at home parent. We’re also lucky though because we do genuinely love the work we do. My husbands work is extremely demanding and that won’t change. During the week I take on most parenting and household responsibilities. When we can we are very evenly split on duties and this truly is ok. We knew the dynamic we were getting into and accepted it. But the reality is that I’m not confident we can be the parents our child deserves with more than one. My gut says one kid is the right amount for us and that our little family is perfect and complete even if it isn’t was our original plan was. I’m not sure what I’m really looking for here other than insight from others who have been in similar situations and how they came to be at peace with their decision.
@leonardod My husband and I have one child. We’d love to have a second one but are likely OAD because our work takes a lot of energy and we don’t have a village (or the resources to hire a “village”). I also have health challenges which make me tired faster and doing the baby phase again with a kid as well sounds like torture.
We keep putting off the decision to decide but our kiddo is almost 6 years old. I want her to have a good life and I want to be a healthy and happy parent for her. Unless we come into money where we can hire the support for home I don’t think I can be that parent if we had two kids.
It’s hard sometimes because I worry about her being without siblings or close family but we’re trying to make friends and have people around her.
When I focus on the present I have a lot of joy and I feel like there are worries and concerns in either path we take.
@peter_p Thank you for your perspective. We also don’t have a village and parenting even one is complicated when you only have yourself and your partner. I’ve been seeing a lot of people recommend hiring help but that’s not realistic and comes with so much privilege. And zero judgment to those who can do it. I’d happily hire a cleaning service and a nanny if I could.
It’s something I remind myself of a lot, and maybe gives you comfort, is that siblings don’t guarantee a friend. Many people have siblings they don’t get along with from childhood and into adulthood.
And thank you for your last sentence. That puts my mind at ease a lot. I’m so content with our little life at the moment. I can see us giving our daughter the life we want to give her with zero issues as we are.
@leonardod We were in the one maybe two camp. And now that our kid is 3, we are likely OAD. I’m not totally at peace, and I have fleeting moments of wanting another.
But then I see other families with 2+ kids and it doesn’t look fun and I have no desire to be pregnant again when I see pregnant women. There are so many benefits to having only one and the thought of starting over with the diapers, nursing, crying, sleep deprivation… no thanks.
@leonardod Absolutely. I always envisioned two kids but most likely, we’ll be one and done. Like you, my partners work is very demanding and he’s often not home until after baby bedtime. I’m on a long mat leave, but I’ll be going back in five months and I think having two working parents will be a reality check for me. Some days I dream about a second but it’s just such a bad idea.
The idea of adding another child to the solo-mom-show, without a village or the means to hire help….honestly, I think that might spell divorce for us. The resentment this past year was so hard and it’s only starting to improve. I don’t think we’ll survive two.
We also live in a small apartment currently and things are already tight financially. To rent or buy a townhome where I live would cost $4k/month or $1.4M+. Those are crazy numbers.
@jordanbanks It was definitely a shock for me going back to work. Mostly it took us longer to get back into a routine when I went back to work. And then throw in illnesses on top of the day to day parenting and household demands…it was a lot. It for sure gets easier but it’s hard. Especially as the default parent.
I also love in a HCOL area and while we just went from a 1 bed to 2 bed apartment renting or buying a home is nowhere near possible so space for two is a question as well.
Thank you for your response and your vulnerability. Kids and work and general life definitely impact relationships and those can be hard to talk about. Hearing others in similar circumstances makes me feel better in knowing that we likely already know what’s best for us.
@leonardod You get the housing struggle then! I’m envious of people who can access actual detached houses with yards and multiple bedrooms. I know there are trade offs (we live next to an ocean and it almost never snows) but having kids made me consider moving to the prairies.
The illness piece sounds so brutal. I’ve heard about this from coworkers with little kids, but my partner has no idea what’s coming for us. I tell him to expect daycare illness every other week or more and he thinks I’m exaggerating!
I’m glad that sharing my story can be a comfort or at least validating in a small way. You’re so not alone. Hugs.
@leonardod I emotionally want another but logically don’t think it’s a good idea (mental load, climate change, finances, burnt out, childcare, the list goes on) so I feel you
@leonardod I grew up kinda lonely and always imagined I’d have a house full of kids. My husband is firmly OAD. At the beginning of the year, I was pressing him to reconsider. Over the past couple of months, my decision has shifted. Our friends who have 2 seem overwhelmed and exhausted. I finally feel like I’ve gotten “myself” back. Plus I’m not so sure my husband could handle it. Our life is great right now! If it’s not broke….
@leonardod My kiddo is almost 3.5. I just stopped taking birth control. It took one year for us to get pregnant with our first. I have a close family and want him to have a support system growing up. I thought I was OAD but I love seeing him with my siblings and his cousins and I want that for him in the future. So we are trying for #2 even though I think OAD might make most sense financially and mentally. I can’t predict the future but I know for me, I’ll regret at least not trying for another one.
@lunna This is where my family is about to be. I am graduating with my masters degree this year and thinking about getting off birth control after I graduate just to see what happens. Financially I don’t think we are ready but we have a village around us which has been so great with our first. I wish I could feel at peace with being OAD but after 2 years I just feel like I would regret not having a 2nd
@leonardod We’re torn and completely heartbroken right now. We want two. We cry about it. I work on Saturdays. No village, just my husband and I. I can’t take time off from my career being full time forever. So we kind of need to decide in the next few months. Logically, OAD seems to be the best choice due to finances and village. But our hearts want two. My husband is taking his paternity leave now in chunks and I’ll be working 2-3 days a week over the coming months. We plan to see how much extra money we can save before we decide.
@leonardod Thanks for posting this because we’re in a similar position. We’d both love to have another kid but our jobs are demanding and our finances can’t sustain another child at this point. It’s really tough.
@erickem It’s so hard. And I keep hearing from various family members today you “just make it work”. Um. I’m sorry but I want to do simply more than struggling to just make it work. I want security and confidence in these decisions.
@leonardod Yes I totally get what you are saying. Until having a ton of fertility issues I always pictured having two kids. Then just having one seemed impossible. Now we have a son who is 2 and I am 39, almost 40. Even with frozen eggs for IVF I don’t know if I can handle pregnancy/working full time, and no village of help. I just feel lucky to have the one child honestly, but we will see how we do in the future. I don’t know how people easily make the decision to have more than one.
@leonardod I completely totally feel this op.. it’s really hard because I think if I had a different experience with my first we would have gone for a second.. but all these years later of sleepless nights and sicknesses and wow it did such a toll on me and my relationship with my husband
Things are finally so great now.. but I feel like I’m in this mourning period.. I know oad is the better option for me.. but it’s hard to accept it when it seems like such an easy thing for others
Also hard and guilt inducing when my daughter has mentioned wanting one
