Another kid at my step son’s school called him a Ching Chong, what would you do?

[thecabinetbarn]

They banned the kid from library class (seems odd to me?) and kept him home from a field trip and he had to write a letter. What would you do? He’s in fifth grade and he’s lived in the country 4 years now. I feel really stupid that I didn’t plan ahead for this and have a plan

Edit: just asking for advice on how to best talk with my son about racism. I don’t want the other kid punished more, didn’t mean to imply that, my bad.

 

[whiteisfamily]

@thecabinetbarn I would start with framing it as clearly the other person is the problem and to work on teaching them to not take it personally. Best tactic I learned was to just respond with one of the who what when where why questions until they get frustrated or have to say something even worse that can get them in serious trouble.

It’s really hard to do, but that little bit of insulation can be enough to buy that little bit of time so he can talk to you about things that happen.

 

[rburdge84]

@whiteisfamily

they get frustrated or have to say something even worse that can get them in serious trouble.

I had to work with this with my son a lot. Someone would do something wrong. He would overreact and do something else wrong. He would be the one getting in trouble.

 

[courtneyatzn]

@whiteisfamily

I would start with framing it as clearly the other person is the problem and to work on teaching them to not take it personally.

Spot on.

My general opinion is that there are a handful of people in life who's opinions actually matter. If those people say something that hurts you, you bring it up and work it out. The rest... you let it go man. The energy that some people spend worrying about what some random person - or even an acquaintance - thinks of them is mind boggling to me. Whether it's gossip, or social media, or whatever.

I want my kids to have a healthy but measured dose of confidence. I think that people with true self esteem don't need to show off, and are also able to let things go quickly.

Not to get political (for lack of a better term) but I think younger generations really struggle with this (a big part of it is social media) and are too easily offended. I think it's because a lot of them haven't built the self esteem necessary to ignore mean things.

I say this as someone who was teased a lot growing up for being Jewish.

 

[whiteisfamily]

@courtneyatzn People have been getting offended for all of history, it’s nothing new. Only difference is now the people offending have consequences for it. I had to learn to take being called a n%#$&* to my face because being offended would do nothing for me. Still was very offended because words have meaning and humans are social creatures.

I grew up when everyone was saying everything bad was “gay”, I can’t imagine how awful that would have been as a gay kid. I will take kids being more aware of how their actions impact others over less. If that means people can’t get away with saying shitty things? Fine by me. If that means I got to update my vocabulary once per decade? Small price to pay.

 

[courtneyatzn]

@whiteisfamily Both things can be true:

• People should not be dicks, and when they are, they should be corrected
• People who receive mean remarks from random people should not let it take over their lives

Obviously, there's a line between an off-handed asshole comment, and persistent/ongoing harassing

 

[whiteisfamily]

@courtneyatzn Number 2 is so subjective that I honestly don’t agree with making that decision for someone else. We all value things differently and don’t really have control over what is going to trigger certain things. I have had enough random crying fits(related to mother dying at 52) that I physically,y couldn’t contain to say that it’s just something you “control”.

The caveat being that they don’t get to decide for me what is offensive/they don’t get to expect me to act on their behalf.

For example: I don’t care about the alphabet soup. It’s knowledge that is not relevant to my life in anyway, for someone in that life? It could have been a lifetime of suffering to figureout the letter they are.

So my making a mistake for something that has actual meaning for them? I can understand being upset. As long as they react within reason and respect the lack of malice? We good.

Now if they try and demand I grovel or anything beyond a basic apology? Yeah that’s too far, but that doesn’t really happen statistically so not something I worry about.

Almost everytime I hear about these situations, when I see the actual words used? It was offensive as shit

“I just asked what it’s like to be trans”

“You asked them what it felt like to molest children”

“Yeah that’s what I said”

“You really believe those are the same thing don’t you?”

 

[courtneyatzn]

@whiteisfamily So, I don't think we're that far off...

Number 2 is so subjective that I honestly don’t agree with making that decision for someone else.

100% - it's not possible for me to make that decision for someone else.

That said, I believe that the happiest people in life are the ones who are able to let the little things go, avoid negativity, and focus on things that matter. I think this ability comes from having self esteem/confidence. So as a parent, when it comes to raising my children, I think it's important to instill a sense of confidence that comes from within, to show them the meaning of self love, and how to love for others. If I can do that, I think they'll be able to live happy lives.

 

[whiteisfamily]

@courtneyatzn Sure, I agree.

I was responding to the inference that other people can and can’t be offended by. That they are “soft” for being bothered by things that are offensive. Everyone has a different line for what they consider is reasonable or offensive. Will I call someone a whiny bitch for being offended by someone’s toe nail color? Absolutely, but kids sticking up for trans, gay minority rights? I think that’s admirable that the younger generation is getting involved younger.

Boomers shit on millennials so hard for things boomers decided(like participation trophies). I have no interest in continuing the “shitting on the youth for growing up in a different time” that they inflicted on us.

 

[courtneyatzn]

@whiteisfamily Oh 100% agree. There are a lot of snowflakes on the conservative right.

 

[whiteisfamily]

@courtneyatzn O I am on the left and we got plenty of whiny bitches. I don’t care if you are sexual aroused by people who identify as ravenclaws via buzzfeed quiz. I am married and have zero interest in the details of your sex life. Dudes, chicks, or both is as far as I care.

Why I focus on patterns rather than any anecdote. It probably wouldn’t take me 5 minutes to find a black person who is pro-slavery. Doesn’t mean I am going to act like they speak for all black people. Same for conservatives.

 

[hbksfilms]

@whiteisfamily Can you elaborate on the who/what/where/when/why approach? I’ve never heard of that as a defense tactic.

 

[whiteisfamily]

@hbksfilms It’s kinda an off shoot of the debate tactic of driving people to a specific answer with your questions.

So using the example above?

“Hah you Ching chong”
“What’s a Ching Chong”
“You are”
“Why am I a Ching Chong”
“You know”
“How would I know?”
“Because of where you are from”
“Why does being born(in x state) make me a Ching Chong?”

So on and so forth. Especially if there are witnesses, ignorance protects your child from consequences as well as builds the evidence that can be used for when proof is needed”

In reality most children don’t actually understand where their bias comes from and it will frustrate them since they didn’t get the response they were looking for. Once they don’t get the response they want they will move on to some other kid.

 

[dreamfacilitator]

@whiteisfamily Can confirm, confusing bullies is SO satisfying and effective. I had horrible acne from middle school through college. I barely ever got teased about it because in 7th grade, when some dingdong tried to call me crater face, I gave him and the entire class a lecture on the difference between concave and convex. He was incorrect because my zits were convex, NOT concave.

Never happened again.

 

[aloysicus]

@whiteisfamily I like this. I can see how a witty child might outmaneuver it but it's a good start.

 

[caleb84]

@whiteisfamily This is even a good reminder for adults. Other people’s words are a reflection of them, not you.

 

[whiteisfamily]

@caleb84 I would say word choice is a reflection of them. However being open to the words being true is also important since all they have to work with is our actions, not clouded by internal dialogue.

People can rationalize anything to themselves after all.

 

[polyalchem]

@whiteisfamily Pretty much this. It's ok to not like it and it's even ok to want some kind of comeuppance for the guilty party. But at the end of the day you can't control other people. Some will be bigots or just jackasses. Some people in authority will let things like that go under their watch. There's no guaranteed way to make them stop. The only thing a person really has control of is themselves.

Remind your kid that there's nothing wrong with them, it's the other party's failing. Maybe they're acting out because they want attention. Maybe they have been taught to be an ignorant racist. Maybe they just think it's funny and they're not even thinking about how it affects your kid. Someone who acts like that is just looking for a response (usually anger or sadness, although sometimes it's laughter from other members of the peer group), and they'll almost always stop if they don't get one, or they get one they're not expecting.

 

[katrina2017]

@thecabinetbarn That seems like he's been punished. If it was keep happening I'd want something more to be done.

 

[superjohn112]

@katrina2017 Sorry you have to teach your child the nasty sides of life so early.. also be thankful the school is taking action, it could be worse.

The next time it happens I’d ask to talk with the school and the kids parents together on what the plan is to stop the reoccurring bad behavior. Direct questions on what the parent is going to do, what the teacher is going to do, and what the principal is going to do. This will also help you gauge how seriously everyone’s taking it to see if the issue will get resolved or if you and your kid just need to get used to the reality and find another solution.

It’s only words for now, but words escalate to physical violence so I’d use that to light the fire and fear in them so they try their best to stop the problem from getting worse for their own sake.

If the school, teacher, parents are the ones accountable, they will act in terms of self preservation to stop it from happening again.

Be knowledgeable on your legal rights and let them know, that you know what you can/will do if this escalates.

Depending on how common violence is within schools in your area get your kid enrolled in self defense classes but make sure they understand it’s for DEFENSE and not so they can beat up a bully. You can still get jumped and fights aren’t fair outside of the gym