Am I the bad guy

J

jlkuhioe

New member
LO (2 yo) wakes up everyday between 5-6 am and always has. I don’t mind doing the morning routine as I’ve always been a morning person. Between 5-9 am we cook breakfast, do the dishes from the night before, vacuum, play (a lot!), go outside if it’s nice, sometimes watch a cartoon or two.

Okay getting to my point… by the time it’s 9 am we’ve been up and downstairs for 3-4 hours. I want to get the ball rolling, get ready go do things for the day. My SO goes to bed at midnight, I feel like 9 hours should be plenty of sleep. He typically works at 10 am (works from home) and sleeps in until just before.

Well today as we were upstairs he asks “why do you always do this?! Why can’t I sleep more?” Honestly LOL I’m irritated. What am I supposed to do? Just sit around and wait for him to get up for the day before we can get ready?

Sure I could move / lay out clothes for us downstairs the night before but that honestly seems excessive and going out of my way .. since I’m doing the morning routine alone anyways.

So like am I the bad guy here? Should I wait until he wakes up at 10 am to get us ready for the day? At that point you don’t have a ton of time to go anywhere since lo naps at 1..

I just feel like ranting because this seems reallyyyyyyy dumb. Like I’ve been entertaining / cooking / cleaning all morning then go upstairs to get yelled at by SO because he wants more than 9 hr of sleep lol k.
 
@jlkuhioe You are up at 5am for a long day of taking care of your child and he rolls out of bed right before his 10am work from home job while (I’m assuming, based on what you’ve said) helping you with absolutely no part of the morning routine. He does not get an opinion or a say in how, where or when you get ready for your day.
 
@jlkuhioe Nope. He is actively choosing to keep a different schedule than your family and 9 hours is plenty of sleep for an adult (not to mention, I bet you’re getting a lot less!) you’re already finding him for hours after you wake up. I’m curious about how y’all share the household and childcare load as well.

In any case. Def not the asshole.
 
@jlkuhioe I’d recommend he see a physician if he’s feeling unrested after 9 hours of sleep. If he doesn’t feel unrested enough to see a physician, then he probably is getting plenty of sleep.
 
@preng This!

I found out I have a chronic illness. I thought I was a lazy piece of shit. I tried to push through the fatigue and thus let it get really, really bad before I saw a doctor.
 
@bharati21 Same! Didn’t realize anything was actually wrong with me until I had a kid and was like ummm I can’t function at all… Saw my doctor, referred to a neurologist and boom! I’m narcoleptic!
 
@jlkuhioe Yeah…. You’re not the bad guy. He’s a grown adult and a parent. If he needs to sleep more then he needs to adjust his bedtime to go to bed earlier. If your kid gets up at 5 letting daddy sleep until 9 is insanely nice of you. He needs to realize that he has two jobs, his WFH job that pays bills and his daddy job. Just because he works for money doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to be a dad.
 
@jlkuhioe I'm the SAHM, I usually hate doing mornings cause they are too much for my brain to handle that early so my SO let's me sleep in for about an hour to an hour and a half on the weekends. But I recognize he's doing me a massive favor by giving me that hour so I feel like I don't have any right to be upset when I'm woken up by the normal activity of the house, especially when I've gotten my 8 hours already.

Maybe have a rule going forward past 9 the entire house is fairgame including the bedroom, if you need to you should be able to go in to get ready for the day and if he wants to continue to sleep he has to put up with it.

And as others have said you should also be getting some sleep in days. Maybe that's something else you can offer him, if he let's you sleep in to whenever you want you'll let him sleep till whenever he wants.
 
@jlkuhioe Whyyyyy does he go to bed at midnight? Unless there’s a good reason, I’m seeing that as being the main issue here because 9 hours of sleep is completely reasonable, as is you and your LO getting a move on in the morning. If he needs more sleep or you being up and about in your own home is disruptive, get him a sound machine or earplugs or something. He’s an adult, you’re caring for a baby, and it’s wild that he would expect to be so heavily catered to in that situation.
 
@jlkuhioe Solidarity. My son doesn’t wake up that early, but sometimes on weekends my husband wakes up at 11am and we don’t go out for kids activities until 1, yet he bitches he didn’t sleep until 5am so he is super tired. I’m always like dude you chose to go to sleep that late plus big eyeroll.
 
@jlkuhioe Our house rule is if you choose to stay up late, you do not get to sleep in (even if it’s Saturday) but if you’re up through the night with the babies then you can sleep in. My partners a night owl and struggles waking up, but the two hours were up before he goes to work in the morning is the only time he sees the kids because he’s usually not home til after they’re in bed. It’s non negotiable to me, he has to get up with them in the morning. It’s also my only opportunity to not have full responsibility of the kids in the morning.
 
@jlkuhioe He chose to go to bed at midnight knowing he has a child. His problem, not yours.

My partner will come to bed at 2am and still get up with us at 8am if he knows I'm struggling or if our son wants him too. I do try to give him a sleep in if I can but he will just shush me and get up to help me anyway sometimes.

You're partner is a douche
 
@jlkuhioe You are not the bad guy and he should be adjusting as needed to what will work best for you as a family 100%.

That said, I do sympathize with him a tad. I’m pretty sure I’ve got some level of delayed sleep phase syndrome cause I am at my best when I sleep from 2 am til 10 am. Waking up before 10 is physically painful. Likewise, it is pretty darn difficult to go to bed before midnight, and even when I “go to bed at midnight” it is rare that I fall asleep before 1:30. I’m adjusting as best I can as my husband works early so I’m doing the mornings. Luckily my girls are not currently early risers so I’m surviving.

I’d be curious if he is actually falling asleep at midnight, or if it takes him a bit. Also, does he help at all in the night when/if your LO wakes?

Regardless, he needs to get over it.
 
@jlkuhioe Would he prefer you did the "getting ready for the day" at 5am?

He's probably vaguely aware of you guys pottering downstairs throughout the morning, and getting poor sleep during that time. He actually might prefer if you had got all the clattering done earlier on and then gone out to the playground.

My kid usually gets up at the same time, though we'vehad phases where it's as late as 6.30, and has all his life. My husband and I swap off who gets up with him.

My experience of "sleeping in" while they're playing at home is that I am not sleeping, whereas if they eat, dress, and go out, I'm back to sleep.

Breakfast is pretty quiet, because aside from the microwave, they're just eating. My husband used to just drag on yesterdays clothes, grab some clothes from our kid's room, and head out with him.
 
@jlkuhioe You’re definitely not the bad guy and it’s reasonable to feel angry you’re doing all the work for several hours before your husband even opens his eyes. That said I sympathize with him a bit. I’m a night person and have been as long as I can remember. I struggled to get up for school from my first day of preschool until I graduated high school. Getting up early consistently is one of the hardest parts of parenting for me. I however do get up early pretty much every day, it’s part of having kids.
 
@jlkuhioe My husband also works at home 10-7ish and is a night owl. I’ve told him is he’s free to try to sleep in but I am not going to put up with him being a grump when he’s inevitably woken up. He also has evening tasks that he does after I go to bed (mostly resetting the kitchen) and is in charge of any wake-ups that happen before 2am whether he’s asleep or not. I usually take naps on weekends and if our preschooler does not he’s in charge of that.

I’m still not entirely happy with the arrangement as it makes it hard to do things as a family during the weekend. I could probably schedule more things in advance, as he will wake up, or I send 3.5yo to wake him, when we have something scheduled.

Anyway, feel free to PM me if you’d like to chat more on the subject!
 
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