Am I just over thinking, or is this actually weird?

[straw23]

My ex-husband (45) and I (42) have two kids (10m, 13f). He's been with his fiance (age unknown, but probably close to our age) since Nov 2020, and got engaged at the end of April, this year. My kids love her and she seems nice. I have no explicit reason to not like her, other than that she seems to overstep into a mother role more than I'm comfortable with. I just keep reminding myself that I'm grateful there are so many people who love my kids.

The two of them spend a lot of time with her family during his parenting time and are planning to take the kids to a big family get-together at a hotel with a water park about four hours away from where we live. Her mom, siblings my kids know, and other people they haven't yet will all be there with their families. It sounds like a lot of fun for the kids and I was excited for them. Until I learned a little more.

It turns out that his fiance's mom thinks it would be nice to have all the kids stay in rooms with parents who aren't theirs. She thinks it would be a nice way for the families to get to know each other better. My kids would, at best, be staying with one of her siblings that they know or, at worst, with a couple they have just met. My ex and his fiance would take another family's kids in their room. I don't know any of her family members.

My kids are obviously old enough to tell me if anything disturbing happens, but I think the situation itself is disturbing. I could see if they wanted to have all the kids who are of similar ages to stay together in rooms so they can get to know each other better, but thus just seems odd.

I'd love to know if anyone sees this as normal or if my discomfort with the situation is warranted.

Thanks!

 

[ngoinhatd]

@straw23 This is weird. I can see maybe getting a suite for all the kids (depending on age and general trust of them), but not kids staying with other adults (even family). As a stepparent, I wouldn’t just have my step kids (who have met everyone and spent considerable time with them) stay alone with my family unless it was an emergency and SO and I were unable to.

 

[straw23]

@ngoinhatd Agreed! I'd feel so weird and awkward. I don't know how they think this is normal!

 

[ngoinhatd]

@straw23 I love my nieces but that doesn’t mean I want them to stay with me for a vacation while my kids are with someone else at the same vacation. I’m genuinely just confused in the logic?

 

[mikaedi881]

@straw23 So weird. Your ex needs to advocate for his kids to not stay with adults they don’t know.

It also sounds like something my exes family would propose, lol. Hope he stands up for his kids so they can all enjoy the trip

 

[codythepcgamer]

@straw23 Weird as hell. Listen to your intuition.

Your kids may be getting older but it is still your job to protect them and speak up for them. Requesting a conversation with your ex to discuss compromises shouldn’t be a problem. If it becomes a problem, that’s a red flag right there.

You and your ex are the parents here, fiancés and new partners and additional parent figures are all well and good, but you two are the primary caregivers and always will be. Mom and Dad make these sorts of decisions, others’ opinions or preferences are distant secondary factors. If she is threatened by this, then she shouldn’t be seeing a man who shares custody of his children with an ex.

Don’t tiptoe around her or her family, draw those boundaries loud and clear. Not in a rude way of course, but assertively. I say this as a divorced mom who wishes I’d done that when my ex got together with his new wife.

 

[lazarus58]

@straw23 This is weird AF!!! The fact that the mom is suggesting that the kids stay with adults they don’t know in order to “get to know each other” is weird af. I definitely wouldn’t agree to that happening & this isn’t a way for adults to get to know kids. There are OTHER ways, simply by hanging out with the family during the day. You never know what could happen in events like these. Major red flag.

 

[shocolate]

@lazarus58 Right... "get to know each other"... does that mean see my in my underwear??? Lol

 

[nuni]

@straw23 As an adult in this situation, I’d find it super weird. I’d want to be in a suite with my kids, not random in-laws. Also, always find it weird when whole families stay in a hotel room together. Get adjoining rooms or a suite.

 

[jalp2016]

@nuni There are other ways to get to know people...

 

[katrina2017]

@straw23 I would think this was weird in any situation. Why would they want children staying with other adults? I wouldn’t be ok with this. I would tell your ex that you are uncomfortable with the children staying with anyone but him and his girlfriend. I would express the reasons why, maybe he hasn’t considered them. Overall this is really weird.

Your children may be old enough to tell you what goes on, but so many children who are able to communicate and know right from wrong don’t tell an adult because they are frightened or were told not to.

 

[straw23]

@katrina2017 I understand. My kids are very much people-pleasers and I can see them being uncomfortable with saying no to adults.

It's also very difficult to reason with my ex. I already mentioned that I think it's weird. My bf and I will be picking the kids up the next morning from the hotel, as we're heading out for a family trip of our own. I'm going to first approach it from that angle, saying it will be easier to coordinate with him than strangers. If he says no to that, I'll express how uncomfortable this makes me. If he still argues, as I expect him to, I'll get my dad to talk to him. (My dad is a retired detective, who worked many, many child abuse cases. I haven't told him about this yet because I know he will FLIP.)

 

[rooseanistonn]

@straw23 Great idea utilizing your dad to help facilitate that conversation. Sometimes hearing it from a third party will give your concerns more weight. Sucks that its like that but hey. My alarms were going off immediately and it's a shame he didn't see it that way as well. Good luck.

 

[shocolate]

@straw23 No this is weird and totally inappropriate. No WAY. You had me at first with normal, nice family and sounding like a good co-parenting relationship - but NO. Kids stay with parents. Indont care if it's step, cousin, best friend, etc. Kids stay with parents.

 

[caliban]

@straw23 This is how kids get molested. Under no circumstances should they be sleeping in rooms with other adults. Why not hangout and social before bed??

 

[kdr95]

@straw23 I find that super weird. Like you said, have groups of kids together with an adult or two, but swapping around kids and adults for sleeping arrangements like that sounds bizarre.

 

[luckyrosie]

@straw23 That seems weird

I agree kids all together makes more sense

That said as long as your kids are happy and comfortable and their wishes are respected that's what matters

 

[deandrade]

@straw23 I agree it’s weird. I would suggest a better get to know each other activity would be having dinner with other parents. Sleeping in a hotel room with other parents is weird.

 

[rockif]

@straw23 Definitely weird.

While it's not your place to say yes or no to that situation, that is your ex's place and not just that but his responsibility to speak up if he thinks it's a problem, it is appropriate for you to raise concerns with him.

How do your kids feel about it? While they may be old enough to tell you if something disturbing happens, that doesn't mean they will. Grooming is real. Children well into their teens can be tricked into believing they are at fault for something that is done to them. Add to that separated parent situations where they might fear that if they tell someone, the parent whose side it happened on might lose custody and they'll never see that parent again. You just don't know what's going through your kids minds.

The best thing you can do though is to have open, very clear and explicit conversations about their safety with them. Don't use suggestive or euphemistic language and assume they'll understand what you mean, put it plainly. At 13, your daughter is not too young to know what people can and will do to her given the opportunity. Knowledge is one of the best weapons you can give them to keep them safe.

 

[richie7]

@straw23 Definitely odd, are you comfortable directly asking if they’ve considered rooming the kids together vs kids with unknown adults