Almost 2 1/2 year old is a stage 5 twiddler and I’m overstimulated!

[vivian56]

I have a brilliant, incredibly verbal delightful occasionally spicy 2 year old. Our breastfeeding journey had a rough start (tongue tie, CMPA, overactive letdown) so I’m proud we’ve been able to do it for this long. She would nurse all day if I let her, but we’re mostly down to nursing a bit at bedtime. I’ve been very very gradually cutting out feeds but that’s the last one left. She’s still waking 1-2 times per night, and she’s been night weaned for about a year but will occasionally demand ‘milkas’ so instead of nursing, she will suck her thumb and root around in my shirt with her other hand to hold my nipples. She has always been a twiddler while nursing, but now it’s ALL the time. If I’m holding her, her hand is in my shirt and she’s looking for a nipple. We’ve tried so many different ways to curb this, and because she’s so smart she’s found ways around it. I’ll say “mommas’ boobies need a break” and she’ll say “I’ll keep my hand still!” or “I’d like you to keep your hands to yourself” and she’ll look at me like I’m a fucking simp and say “I’m just feeling you” or “I’m just holding your shirt”.

It’s like the perfect combination of overstimulating sensations; nipple twiddling, the collar on my shirt is being pulled against the back of my neck OR she pulls my whole shirt up so I’m exposed, she fidgets, she moves her hand around to run her palm over or pinches and twists. And if I deny her access she gets upset, and she’s strong and willful and I don’t want to hurt her trying to keep her out of my shirt. We sometimes bed-share and she has a floor bed so I’ll lay with her at night until she’s asleep, or she makes her way to our room. But now it’s like she’s frantic, she NEEDS to hold them and I’ve even woken up to her nursing when she crawls in bed with us. She’s obsessed and almost a little creepy? She looks down my shirt to “see the milkas”, she asks if I’m wearing a bra because she knows this will impede her access, she talks about what’s she’s going to do at bedtime “I’m gonna hold your boobies, and drink them!”

Other than going away until my milk dries up, I’m not sure what else to do. Our parenting style is hella gentle, but I don’t FEEL very gentle about this. If the twiddling wasn’t so extreme I would probably breastfeed even longer but I think I just need to shut the whole works down but I’m terrified of her toddler wrath.

Any suggestions that won’t further traumatize either of us would be greatly appreciated

Edited to add: I’m pretty clear about my boundaries with her about this, and we are pretty clear that she gets to decide what happens with her body. It’s all well and good to have these discussions during the day, and sit with her with her feelings, it’s at night that I don’t have patience or resolve and just default to whatever gets us all back to sleep the fastest.

 

[pastorchrisonline]

@vivian56 I’d just be firm? I don’t allow twiddling under any circumstance. It’s not about being gentle, you’re allowed to have boundaries! Just tell her that if she can’t keep her hands to herself, y’all can’t cuddle. The second it goes in your shirt, you get up. I don’t argue with my toddler lol she’s getting around your ways of curbing this bc you let her just be firm and hold the line. She will be fine.

 

[vivian56]

@pastorchrisonline Lol I agree I could definitely hold the boundary a bit more firmly, but often we’re having these interactions in the middle of the night and that’s when I’m all about doing whatever gets us all back to sleep the fastest

 

[pastorchrisonline]

@vivian56 Just gotta let her cry. You can sit and reassure her about the boundary at night and it’s okay that she’s upset! But every time you give in, even at night, it’s confusing for her and that’s why she keeps doing it. You just have to stay consistent even at night. It will be a few nights of bad sleep but she will stop asking once she realizes the boundary exists regardless of the time of day! There is no short cut unfortunately. Bandaids over your nips and a tight sports bra may help too!

 

[aybuqui]

@pastorchrisonline I don't think people like myself or op who have unwanted behaviour we can't seem to curb don't understand that we can hold a boundary firmly and just wait it out. We're just looking for easier solutions and shortcuts (even if there are none) because we're exhausted and the idea of sitting up all night with an irate toddler is less appealing than the twiddling in that specific moment.

I have taught my son no twiddling in the day. Not because I'm cool with twiddling at night, but in the hours between 2100 and 0600 there is no fight left in me. I need the rest so I'm not crying the day after if my shoelaces come undone or something equally inconsequential.

 

[jouaint]

@aybuqui Also, honestly, it doesn't always work. Twiddling is a BIG NO for me, and I always hold the boundary. Even at night because I can not stand it at all. I hold her hand away and don't let her do it. But she still tries EVERY time. It's been months, and she doesn't get it.

 

[aybuqui]

@jouaint There must be something in their baby lizard brain telling them they need to do it because I have yet to meet a breastfed baby who doesn't love a good twiddle. How persistent they are and how easy they are to discourage/redirect varies with personality/temperament, but the urge is there in them all lmao.

 

[butterscoth]

@aybuqui My babe didn’t nurse past the fourth trimester. Exclusively bottle fed from then on. Randomly started twiddling at 17 months (no, I don’t smell like milk as I fully stopped lactating at 13 months). And allllllllo night long after every wake he tries to twiddle. And all night long, I push his hand away or keep my hella thick duvet wrapped around me.

 

[pastorchrisonline]

@aybuqui Totally get it. I bed shared / night nursed / EBF each kid for over 2.5y. My 3yo is still in my bed. My 6yo still comes in half the nights. I’m also 38 weeks pregnant and value my sleep so much these days!!

The truth is there is no short cuts. Every behavior that is unwanted has to die out slowly (or abruptly) and it sucks. Every kid is so different too!! Some understand in a day, others it take a week. I don’t think a 2.5yo would stay up ALL night crying about not twiddling though. That’s old enough to have a basic conversation around consent and the kiddo can be primed during the day. “I know you like to twiddle at night but just like during the day, we aren’t doing it at night either. It’s okay to be sad about it but we aren’t doing it.” Then remind them at night as needed. Some tears are okay. A few sleepless nights are okay. They tend to adjust so quick once a new normal is established!

But you actually have to try to change the behavior, even if it’s hard. Even if you lose sleep. Otherwise you have no one to blame but yourself.

 

[parsonbrown]

@pastorchrisonline Came here to say this. I always see posts like this and don’t get it. Bodily autonomy boundaries are so important to teach and hold firm with children, for themselves and for us. It’s doing a child a disservice to let them touch you in a way that is uncomfortable or unpleasant to you.

 

[parsonbrown]

@vivian56 That’s complacency then, you can’t expect a behavior change from your child if you aren’t willing to change your own behavior. You’re enabling this, so hold the boundary until she learns and then move on. It may cost a few nights of longer time awake but you’re not helping your child learn to respect boundaries by not setting them.

 

[theflowerswillflourish]

@vivian56 By letting this behavior continue when it makes you uncomfortable, the message you're sending your toddler is that it's okay to touch someone in ways they don't like just because you really want to. Does reframing it that way make you feel more secure in enforcing this boundary?

Gentle parenting doesn't mean letting your children do whatever they want. You can (and should) acknowledge that it's difficult to not get something you want but it's important to listen when people don't want to be touched. The important piece is helping her work through her emotions not shielding her from feeling them.

 

[kanpachi]

@theflowerswillflourish Yes, exactly this. Sometimes I feel like it's easy to slip into allowing kids to do what makes them happy even at the expense of our own comfort or bodily autonomy, but that sends such a bad message in the long run. It's good for children to learn consent and respect go both ways

 

[parsonbrown]

@theflowerswillflourish

 

[ferazhin]

@vivian56 It's not ungentle to hold your boundaries, if you are not ok with her grabbing your nips then you need to be absolutely firm about her not doing it.

 

[edie1994]

@vivian56 It's gentle parenting to maintain boundaries. You are teaching her how to respect others and teaching her how to maintain boundaries and consent for herself down the road. We are still in a world where people don't care if girls are uncomfortable with unwanted touches. Eventually if is not already happened, people will try to walk all over her by forcing hugs, holding hands, caressing her arm, hair etc. They will expect her to be silent about it, smile and laugh politely.

You have it right to said "keep your hands to yourself" when she cross that boundary, remove her hands and said something like "no means no. This is my body. I don't want to be touched that way." If she persists, remove yourself. Everytime she cross your boundaries and consent use the same sentence that you want her to be comfortable and confident saying when other cross hers.

One day she may try to apply that sentence to you or family member, it will increased her confidence the more she practices and improve her ability to express herself.

 

[vivian56]

@edie1994 I totally get that perspective and we are already very clear with her that she gets to decide what happens with her body (outside of diaper changes) and I’ve used some of this language to get my point across but sometimes she’s just too upset to hear it

 

[parsonbrown]

@vivian56 So wait until she has calmed down and explain again. This is akin to “she cries whenever I say no to a toy so I buy her a toy every time she cries”

 

[cday1210]

@vivian56 Stop letting her put her hands in your shirt! Tell her no “no, you can’t put your hands in my shirt” and then put her down. You deserve to not be “twiddled” all the time. This sounds like my own personal hell. She’s not an infant anymore and a 2 year old can understand what no means

 

[rewind2grace]

@vivian56 They make a nipple like fidget and also breastfeeding necklaces to fidget with. Can you try either of those to replace the sensory need for her other hand? My son likes to play dentist with my mouth and getting a fidget necklace has been super helpful.