Age gap; 3 or 4 years?

[loumay]

Looking for experiences and thoughts on 3 or 4 year age gaps. Would you have waited? Gotten pregnant earlier? Pros and cons?

 

[stuart1717]

@loumay Mine have a 3.5 year age gap. I'm one of four kids myself, and most of us had four-year age gaps. Personally, I don't think there's a ton of difference between ages 3 & 4 except potentially for potty trained status (much more likely to have successfully implemented it by age 4 as opposed to age 3). My first kid was challenging from birth and ages 3-6 were all pretty tough, so I wouldn't have noticed a difference between 3 & 4 with her.

My kids play well together; they're not so close in age that they compete, and they're far enough apart that my youngest looks up to my oldest. It also means my youngest is fairly easy to redirect if my oldest is playing with friends and wants her space.

FWIW, as an adult I'm closest to my little sister who's a whole ten years younger than I am, and I'm the least close to the brother who's two years younger. I think people stress way too much on finding the "right" age gap; adult sibling relationships, which will be the vast majority of siblings' relationships timewise, are dependent on so many other factors that you can't predict or control. If you do decide to have a second, aim for the age gap that works best for your needs as a parent.

 

[loumay]

@stuart1717

If you do decide to have a second, aim for the age gap that works best for your needs as a parent.

This is great advice, thank you.

 

[jazzyd777]

@loumay I have exactly a 4 year age gap. I’ve really liked it so far. Age 3 was rough for us so I’m glad to not have had a newborn to deal with as well. Age 4 has been a huge change in my kid’s demeanour, independence, maturity, ability to self regulate etc.

So with that, the thing I have both liked and disliked (but mostly liked) is that the older and younger kids needs are very different. This helps in a few ways. There’s no jealousy or sibling rivalry. The older one was no longer the “baby” a while ago, so he didn’t feel like his position in the family was being superseded. He loves being the big boy who can help teach the baby all the things. He is even old enough to watch over the baby for brief periods if I need to grab something from the other room or go to the bathroom, and he’ll make sure baby isn’t putting anything dangerous in his mouth or going where he shouldn’t, etc. They also play wonderfully together. Older kid is totally independent with toileting, dressing, sleeping, playing, and more. He is at preschool during the week so I have that lovely one on one time with the baby that I got to have with him.

The downside of their needs being different is that it’s harder to double up on things. Different books, different bedtime, different foods, separate baths, etc. So we have to do everything twice. However, now that their ages are 1 and 5 that has started to really change. They can bathe together and mostly eat the same foods. The older one sometimes doesn’t understand why the rules have to be different- like why baby doesn’t have to go to bed when he does, or why baby gets bottles of milk while he has to wait for mealtimes, or baby gets different options of foods while he’s supposed to eat what he’s been given.

Huge pro: They entertain each other for ages!! They adore each other.

Neutral point: when you, the parents, get your relative freedom back. With the 4 year age gap it’s going to be longer before we get time to ourselves again, or can easily travel etc. However, we got a bonus year in between kids- when older was 3, when we travelled to many countries and did lots of fun stuff. So it’s a question of back to back but finishing earlier, or having a bit of a breather in between but then taking longer on the other end.

 

[lostandbewildered]

@jazzyd777 Thank you for this. I just found out I’m pregnant again and we would have a 3y10m age gap. What you’re describing is what I’m hoping for… that our son loves to be the “big boy” and teach the baby lots of stuff.

 

[loumay]

@jazzyd777 Thank you very much for taking the time to write this all out! I sincerely appreciate your perspective.

 

[christopher11]

@loumay I only have one but if you're worried about being close, I don't think it matters on the age gap but really personalities. I am close to my sisters 13, 8 and 5 years apart. Not close to my bro, 1 year apart.

 

[annalisa]

@loumay My sister and I are 4 years apart. As kids, I hated her and I always bullied her. I didn’t know better at the time. As I grew up I apologized to her and now in our 20s we’re closer. She comes to me when she has relationship problems, college problems, etc.

If I were to be the parents of kids aged 4 years apart, I would be researching a lot about sibling rivalry and would try to minimize it so that the oldest doesn’t become so threatened by the existence of the second kid and takes it out on the little sibling and the second kid doesn’t use their baby-status to get anything they want from the patents.

 

[zion777]

@annalisa I’m late to this one but i just wanna say i was the same with my younger sis (2.5 year gap), the main reason was that i was jealous of her especially that she was the quiet and sneaky type while i’m the loud and emotional type, everyone always took her side which built a lot of resentment, as a parent, i strongly believe you shouldn’t take sides in fights which my mom did a lot.

 

[arrow_24]

@loumay Just a reminder maybe that it might take you a year+ to conceive, so you could be looking at 5 years if you try for 4.

But I second that you should do what’s best for you cause the affect on their relationship is unpredictable.

 

[hgie777]

@loumay My daughter's are 3 years + 1 month apart. It's tough for me because age 3 has been the hardest in terms of testing boundaries and tantrums. I'm sure having a new sibling exacerbated her behaviors. It also made her more loving than I've ever seen. But I wish they had an either 2 year age gap or 4 years. Having a completely reliant newborn with a testy toddler means zero peace for mom

 

[faithcollect]

@loumay The older the first child, the more you can rationalise with them as to why you have to do certain things eg sharing a room when the baby had been sharing with the parents, or why you're spending so much time with the baby when you used to play more-or-less on demand with the older one etc. My own personal experience is that I did not get along with my sibling with a 3 year age gap. More than that, great!

 

[syrak]

@loumay Not as a parent, but my only sibling and I are 4 years apart. I think it’s too far apart. We could never play together because we were such different ages. We were not buddies. We get along fine as adults. I’m also a little bummed because I’m enough older than him and I got married younger, that we won’t have kids the same age so they won’t grow up close to their cousins like I did. My parents spaced is farther apart because my dad grew up with 3 older siblings closer in age and he felt like he was always under their shadow and could never be his own person. Which backfired because we went to a really small school (K-12) so everyone knew me well. I purposely spaced mine closer together.

 

[jazzyd777]

@syrak Hey my older brother is nearly 6 years older than me. Firstly, we always did and still do get along great! But also, while he did start having kids long before me, his youngest (he has 3 kids) and my oldest are exactly the same age. They’re even in the same class at preschool and are best friends.

 

[syrak]

@jazzyd777 I’m glad you had that experience with your brother, but I didn’t have that experience with mine. I’m trying for my 3rd and last baby right now via IVF. Unless my very single brother suddenly and accidentally knocks someone up, he’s a long way away from having kids on purpose.

 

[jazzyd777]

@syrak Totally understand that everyone’s experiences are different- my point is just that I think whether kids get along or not is more to do with personality and family dynamics rather than the age gap. Some kids with very small age gaps also don’t get along at all, some with big age gaps do very well, and the opposite of both those things are also true for some families. I wouldn’t base a decision around age gaps on the idea that a 4+ year age gaps is just too big for kids to get along.

 

[jcarolina]

@syrak I have a twin brother and a brother 5 years older than me and I’m much closer to my older brother. Just to say sometimes personalities make a huge difference.

 

[wen]

@loumay My brother and I are 3 years apart, and several of my friends are 3 years older or younger than their sibling. We all absolutely love this gap bc we still overlapped in elementary and high school a bit, but weren't in each other's way.