Advice on kids staying the night w/ ex at his girlfriend's place?

[blake_]

Tl;dr is basically the title.

The details: Kids are 4 & 18mos. My ex and I have been separated for a little over a year. He lives a 6 hour drive away. His girlfriend lives about an hour away from where the kids and I live. He has never had the kids out to stay at his place; he always comes here to visit and used to get a hotel before covid.

He has asked about taking the kids down to his girlfriend's place for the weekend. I don't know much about her but from the impression I get she seems nice enough. I am just worried it'd be like going from 0-100 to have them suddenly staying the night at someone's house who they've not yet met and may or may not be in their lives long term.

We had discussed them meeting her before and I insisted they work their way up to staying/spending the night at her place- first have lunch or go the park together to meet. Then if that went ok then they could spend a day at her place. Then if that went well progressing to spending the whole weekend there. But now with covid the parks and restaurants are closed so there's not many neutral places for them to go for a first introduction like I had wanted.

Anyone have experience/advice?

 

[faithhopelove13]

@blake_ The kids are little so you don't have to go into the details of his relationship. Just call her daddy's good friend where they will go for a special trip so they can have extra time with daddy. Be excited for them and they will be excited.

If this relationship proves to have staying power you are still doing the longer intro but now it's, oh wow, daddy's friend (who you know and also like) is now his girlfriend, aren't we happy for him.

 

[blake_]

@faithhopelove13 Thank you for the advice! I really do want them to spend more time with their Dad but in a way where I am not setting them or us up for any further strife down the line

 

[sunshine2015]

@faithhopelove13 Unrelated: you said /r/CallHerDaddy in passing convo

 

[faithhopelove13]

@sunshine2015 Her being the girlfriend. I'm on mobile and avoid needing to create any sort of link like the plague.

 

[sunshine2015]

@faithhopelove13 Oh. No. Sorry. There’s a bunch of drama going on with the subjects of that sub and it was just interesting to see those words spoken (typed)

 

[dave1979]

@blake_ How long have they been dating? Is there a reason the kids can’t ever go to his place for a weekend? It sounds to me like he can’t really handle the kids on his own, and if they all go to his girlfriend’s, he has help and he gets to show off how cute his kids are and how great a dad he is. That may sound harsh, but the fact that he hasn’t ever taken them to his place for a weekend and parented solo (like you have to all the time) is a bit of a red flag to me. He should be focusing his time and energy fully on the kids during his custodial time, since his time with them is much more limited with you being the primary parent. If he really feels the need to introduce them now, I hope they’ve established a solid relationship that looks to be heading towards long term, as new partners shouldn’t meet the kids until the relationship has staying power. And I agree that a whole weekend at her place is not a reasonable way to introduce them—it should be a couple of hours over dinner or at a park, and then gradually working up to more time together, and if a public place isn’t possible right now then it should be on his turf, not hers.

Having said all of that, though, you can’t really control what he chooses to do on his time. I do commend him for being up front with you about his intentions and for actually asking for your input. That shows he respects your coparenting relationship and your boundaries. I would continue to try to reach some middle ground—express concerns about how you feel this could impact the kids this early on (don’t make it about you and your feelings), but show support for his new relationship and let him know that you would love for the kids and her to get to know each other better gradually. He may still choose to take them there for the weekend, but at least you will have respectfully asserted your position.

 

[blake_]

@dave1979 How long they've been in a relationship- she was the other woman in an affair that started almost 2 years ago. When we initially separated my youngest was still ebf so I insisted all of his visits were out here so that I could be near to breastfeed. But ever since she turned 1 that's no longer an issue. I have offered to drive them out to his place on 2 occasions but he's declined both times. I genuinely do think he has a hard time with both of them alone. If he has the chance he takes them to go visit family during his 1 weekend a month that he comes to visit.

I do think this would be rushed and isn't necessarily the best way to go about introducing them. That said these are extraordinary circumstances (with covid) and I really do want the kids to spend more time with him- so I'm torn whether to go with it or not.

 

[dave1979]

@blake_ I give you some serious credit for putting your differences aside and genuinely wanting to like the girlfriend, seeing as he cheated on you with her. Not many people have your capacity for forgiveness or that kind of maturity. I’m so sorry to hear about the circumstances under which they started seeing each other and they both seriously wronged you, but since they’ve been in a relationship for a while and they have waited a year post your separation, I guess an introduction at this point is valid. This might sound crazy and you may not want to do it, but would they be open to you hosting them at your house for an afternoon or for dinner (don’t cook for them, suggest they order takeout—you’re just providing a place for the meeting to happen). This way the initial meeting is still on your children’s turf, it’s not an overnight or entire weekend, and the bonus is that you can also get a feel for her and the dynamic as well. I’m only suggesting this extreme approach due to COVID-19 since neutral places are a no-go and he can’t get a hotel and have them all hang out there. I just think going to her place for a whole weekend right off the bat is not easing anyone into this appropriately (I speak from experience). But honestly, no decision you make is wrong, these are extenuating circumstances and he is their father. No matter how this plays out, don’t let that mom guilt get to you. You are doing an amazing job of co-parenting despite your ex’s betrayal and short-comings, which means you are an incredible mom for putting your kids first in every single way.

 

[blake_]

@dave1979 You make me seem way more nobler than I really am- I need more me time which is a big reason why I'm considering allowing this. 48 hours once a month is not enough! Although I do also wish for us all to move on with our lives smoothly which is why I don't want to rush this big milestone.

I really do appreciate your response. I think offering to have them over for dinner at my place is actually a good idea and I never would have thought of it myself. Thank you kind stranger!

 

[andrewl]

@blake_ My ex stopped once a week dinner visits when my area locked down mid March. According to my separation agreement ex has kids overnight once a week. He’s only ever done a few times at his parents house. He’s now living with girlfriend and last week I freaked out. I was going insane being with kids 24/7. It’s gruelling. We’re in a tiny apartment and my kids are 7 and 9 — boys. I never have time for myself. I said to my ex that he HAD to take the kids. He agreed and for the first time last Friday kids met gf and stayed the night. Not ideal. The kids slept together on her white couch. But I need a break and he fought me for overnights and I’m sick of accommodating him. It was so good having a break. So good. I know it wasn’t the ideal introduction but I’m sick of stage managing his life. I provide my kids with a good life. Their dad sucks and I’m not going to create this fake facade to protect the kids from his idiocy. The kids will find out sooner or later with or without my intervention.

 

[dave1979]

@blake_ I totally get it. When the pandemic first hit my area I had my kids, at home, for 8 weeks straight all by myself with zero break. No going to work, no going out on my own for a quick grocery run, no having the helpful grandparents over, nothing. Their dad now takes them again and even though I was hesitant to send them since he and his room mate both have been working outside the home throughout this, I was also super relieved to get a break because I was going nuts. You need it and deserve it! That doesn’t make you not noble.

 

[faithhopelove13]

@dave1979 Ugh! My ex has remarried the other woman and while I have come to terms with it and acknowledge that she's her to stay and good for my daughter having her in my home is a hard no. Ever. Got close once and I ended up with a panic attack. I would approach that carefully, OP! It's fine for your kids' boundaries and yours to be totally different.

 

[cindy2822]

@dave1979 i would say 6 hours away is the reason

 

[eyore]

@blake_ There isn't anything you can do about this. He can take his children where he pleases unless the court has said otherwise.

On a personal level, relax, breath, it will be fine. Not having say on things like this can be stressful as a parent. It will get better. If you make a big fuss of it, it might actually make the situation worse.

 

[blake_]

@eyore I appreciate the advice to relax. And I understand I have no power over the decisions any other person makes.

What I am seeking advice on though is if this is a good idea or not. Is this something that will lay a good foundation for my kids' relationship with their father and his girlfriend? Or is there a better way to go about this? That's (ideally) the kind of advice I'm after

 

[eyore]

@blake_ Well, I met my bfs daughter before we were dating, and he was coming over to hang out. We were both single parents. I'm sure her mom wouldn't be happy knowing that he brought his daughter over to what essentially was a play date/booty call, but almost 2 years later we are going strong

 

[blake_]

@eyore Well at least it worked out for ya'll! Thank you for sharing your experience (and your honesty)

 

[jeromecoates]

@blake_ I’m a mom divorced for 8 years now. I don’t think it’s up to exes to determine whether it’s ok for a new partner to be introduced. I know it’s awkward, painful, and there are lots of concerns, but...it just isn’t in the other parent’s jurisdiction. Unless the kids are being put in danger or a law is being broken, it’s not up to us to dictate how our exes live their lives. And it’s too much work to try to control all of it.