Advice on going from 2 to 3

[clh72481]

Hi there. I love following this sub for all of your tips and inspiration to streamline the less-fun parts of parenting!

My spouse and I have two kids, ages 6 and 1.5, both boys. They're crazy, don't get me wrong, but they're also a delight and we have a house full of as much laughter as there is crying and chaos. haha

Our first was a difficult baby and toddler with some health issues that thankfully turned out to be nothing at all. We never had a family size in mind and would have been fine with one, but we waited 4 years and decided to have our second. We thought we were done for sure now, but having a relatively chill toddler running around, I'm questioning whether I really want to be done having kids.

My husband is on board for another because he's working part-time to coordinate online school for our oldest, which means it didn't make sense financially to send our little one to daycare. So they have a crazy boy zoo going on upstairs while I work my corporate job from home in our basement office.

Even with the current crapfest that is 2020, we're feeling good. We've pared down a lot of stuff around the house, organized meal planning and prep, and done things like buy all one-color socks in bulk (lol matching socks is for the birds). It really seems like having another baby in the mix would only add like 15% more chaos, but then we would get to raise another little wonderful person.

I wanted to see if you all had any thoughts about when you knew you wanted a bigger family or how you would advise someone making that decision. I come from a family of 3 siblings and feel like we never got enough attention from our parents, but my spouse and I are also COMPLETELY different from my parents.

I wanted to post at r/shouldihaveanother but those are almost exclusively people considering moving from 1 to 2. I feel like it's a much different thing to consider going from 2 to more.

I know this is a highly personal decision and I'm not planning on anyone solving the conundrum for me, but I do really appreciate varied perspectives and your experiences. Thank you!

 

[leprekon]

@clh72481 1-2 was the harder transition for us- but we had a smaller age gap between them and they are active and inquisitive boys. Getting that “swivel head” to watch them both took practice and balancing the priorities and watching a toddler while breastfeeding every 2-3 hours was quite difficult.

The older two were 5 and 4 when our third was born. They are helpful in getting us things we need during diaper changes and feeds. However the 4yo still gets himself into troublesome predicaments when he knows I can’t be on top of him. So it’s harder in that respect. Also baby has crazy FOMO and if older siblings are playing or making noise, it’s hard to settle or stay asleep- even when in separate rooms. But it has gotten easier over the months- as we all get used to each other.

I love having a third. I would consider a 4th if I weren’t pushing it age-wise.

 

[alanfriend]

@leprekon I feel like I could have written this myself! We have the exact same age gap between all three of my children, they’re just a year older than yours. It’s such a delight to see them all playing together and getting along. I wish the one year old would slow down a bit though! She is sprinting through her milestones to try and keep up with the big boys (seriously, I could do without the climbing on tables). I love having 3 kids. It just takes a little extra work to make sure all the kiddos get one on one time with mom and dad.

 

[leprekon]

@alanfriend Oh goodness you have two boys and a girl too!

I was 100% shocked when we had a baby girl. Hub’s genetic predisposition is boys- so many boys in previous generations with random girls.

I was so prepared for a boy we really only talked boy names and I pictured 3 boys in my head! I would have loved a third boy.

That being said, she is everything our family needed. I’m still in awe that she is ours.

 

[traceyn]

@clh72481 Very late to this but thank you for asking! I have a 2.5 year old and 7 month old. So many things point to us not having a third: pandemic, some postpartum pelvic issues, only having 3 bedrooms, feeling like I’m too exhausted with two as it is, etc. But I almost feel there’s another child in the universe that’s mine that I want to meet. And it’ll be overwhelming and hard on our marriage and what about the environmental destruction of the planet gahhh. I think we could have a wonderful life with our two. But I feel sad thinking about that other child... I’m still pretty hormonal evidently...

 

[kokopuff]

@clh72481 2 to 3 was easy with some parts but hard with others. Given your kids age gaps you might not have the same issues i did. For me it more revolved around school schedules and having a newborn. My kids were 6 and 4 when our 3rd was born (now everyone is 12, 10 and 6). My 4 year old would need to be picked up from.pre k around lunch and then back to school when nap time was happening to pick up my oldest. It was also difficult to juggle playdates and big kid activities with a baby. These things are obviously temporary but not gonna lie--it was a struggle. Things that were nice were that my older 2 were very helpful and great playmates for my youngest. They were independent so I wasn't having to watch a toddler and a baby at the same time (which was the situation when my 2nd came along!!).

With all that being said, I love having 3 kids. Now that all 3 of them are big kids, it is a whole 'other ball game. Very enjoyable.

 

[jalexduran]

@clh72481 I have 5, have been a stay-at-home-parent since 6 months pregnant with the 3rd. Going from 2 to 3 was great, my favourite transition of all of them, lol. I felt confident in my abilities and my older ones were not babies anymore, I got into a good routine with school/kindy/housework/etc and baby just kinda rolled with it. From 3 to 4 was stressful but I managed, and from 4 to 5 I just surrendered and muddled through somehow.

I am extremely lucky/privileged to have an excellent support/family/social security system. It's such a case-by-case question because the support network and financial issues have different implications in different countries.

 

[clh72481]

@jalexduran I definitely see how being in the US without really any support for parents is harder than some countries that have paid peace and affordable childcare. If we do decide to have another, i want to make sure we have $5k set aside to pay for delivery, a doula, and genetic testing.

 

[tmeikle]

@clh72481 My age gaps are similar to yours, but I have 2 girls - 8 and 2 years old and I had my son a month ago.bso far I've found the jump to 3 kids much easier than going from 1 to 2. The theory behind it is that eldest being that much older doesn't want to play with her little sister all the time. My hope is that my youngest two will be close and want to play when my eldest gets to the point that she really wants to do her own thing more. We also still had a lot of baby stuff from our middle child and it doesn't make sense to take more time off work in another 3 or 4 years (I'll also be pushing 40 by then). It works for us, everyone thought we were a bit mental having another one but I don't regret it at all. I don't think I would if we'd had another girl either, I think I would have regretted not having a 3rd in the long run. We know lots of parents who have happily and purposefully stopped at 2 as well, I think you have to go with your gut - everybody's different.

 

[krismabl]

@clh72481 For me, the fear of disappointment is strong, hubs really wants a girl. But there are no guarantees! I am not sure now that I am done with diapers & carseats if I want to start from the beginning again.

 

[clh72481]

@krismabl I don't worry necessarily about biological sex, but I do have a fear that it's rolling the dice, you know what I mean? We're all healthy and even though my first was a terrible sleeper, both of them have always been just such happy kids. My babies were never colicky or hard to console. My labors were pretty good.

I know I would feel guilty if the third was really needy or needed a lot more attention for some reason.

 

[krismabl]

@clh72481 On the other hand my boys are 13 months apart and best friends.

 

[clh72481]

@krismabl That's so sweet! My boys are 4 years apart, but my oldest is an extrovert and empath like me, which I think makes it easy for him to connect with his little brother. I don't think it will always be this way, but he loves the little bugger and thinks it's great when lil brother imitates him.

 

[commandab]

@clh72481 I went from 1 to 3 (twins) it was so, so hard. Number 4 was easy, easy. It was understandably hard with the twin factor. I have 4 boys 9, 2, 2, 9 months.

 

[clh72481]

@commandab I honestly wanted twins with my second. But that's me speaking out of ignorance! Lol

 

[ntopcat]

@clh72481 2 to 3 was the hardest for me, I’ve got 4. I had a 10 and 11 year old and then a newborn.

I think you’ll be fine because you’ve still got a toddler.

I lost my mind because I left it so long in between.

I now have a 13,12, 2 year old and a 9 month old and the baby is really chill so it was easier going from 3-4 than it was from 2-3.

I think the ages make a huge difference and I was always a clean freak but have learned to let go, like REALLY let go lol

 

[clh72481]

@ntopcat I'm not a clean freak lol I'm like a "eh, that's clean enough" person. Ha ha but yeah I can see tweens to having babies would be really hard!

 

[intuitive]

@clh72481 Can't give advice but i wish you all good

 

[katma]

@clh72481 2 to 3 was a rough transition for us. You will have a middle child (middle child syndrome is real) and you are officially outnumbered. Strangely enough, adding more after the 3rd is WAY easier. There are more to siblings to play with and, eventually, the older children become helpful. More hands make more of a mess but it also means more hands to help clean. My kids are 12, 10, 6, 22m, and 2.5m.

 

[donnyboy]

@clh72481 I survived 2 to 3 by lowering my standards, lmao. I've learned to let stuff slide, aka dishes and laundry pile up sometimes and the house isn't always as clean as I'd like. But honestly the parenting part of having a third has been really easy because we've done it enough now to feel confident and are more relaxed. Number 1 got homemade ground organic oats as her first baby food; number 3 eats Froot Loops she finds under the couch...
The hardest part in my opinion has been having any alone time with my husband. With covid I don't feel comfortable bringing in a sitter, and I feel like an ass asking the grandparents to take all 3 at once because I know they're a handful.
My 3rd was a "surprise" and I had horrible antenatal depression and PPA (90% better now, 16 months later) but I still don't have any regrets!