a question of entitlement

[kezia]

one parent wfh, one in office (self-employed) (parent b). kids have the day off. that morning, at 830, parent b walks to the door and says goodbye. parent a grimaces. parent b is annoyed by that reaction, asks for an explanation.

parent a answers: you’re leaving me as free childcare without even asking if you should wfh today too, even though you’re aware that i have a busy day and yours is light. you’re acting entitled.
parent b is angry and upset and doesn’t feel they’ve done anything wrong.

has parent b done anything by following the usual routine?

 

[nataliya]

@kezia I think both parents are at fault as described. The story shows no communication from either party. Parent B should be more aware and proactive, and Parent A should be upfront about what they need instead of waiting until Parent B is out the door and going on the attack.

 

[churchbuilder]

@nataliya Agreed. I think “you’re entitled” is a strong response to a parent going about the daily routine. I also think parent B being in office would mean they generally don’t WFH?

Communication should have happened before this morning. If nothing had been discussed before the routine begins, I would assume the routine is the same.

 

[lucianne]

@churchbuilder But the routine can’t be the same. The kids are home from school.

 

[bree1224]

@lucianne If the routine isn't going to stay the same, then they need to communicate what's changing BEFORE the morning of. The kids are home from school - two teenagers and a 3rd grader - it's not unreasonable for the other parent to assume a default routine if it wasn't agreed upon to change.

 

[barewitness]

@bree1224 I disagree. The default routine HAS changed by the fact that the kids are home instead of at school. There was certainly a lack of communication on both sides but it is entitled to assume that one parent gets to stud with their regular routine just bc it’s out of the home.

 

[acaudpdrkkl2015]

@bree1224 Right so if both work outside the home then in your book, the first to step out the door is in the right (routine hasn't changed yet) and the second to leave is solely responsible for care by default unless they communicate to the other parent in advance. Because the other parent has the routine of stepping out the door first. And isn't responsible for acknowledging and addressing the lack of care arrangements for the kids that day.

 

[bree1224]

@acaudpdrkkl2015 What a way to purposely miss the point of what everyone said. BOTH are responsible for communicating beforehand. Obviously if both are working outside of the home, I would hope someone out of the two adults is responsible enough to actually sort it out before someone steps out the door and starts snarking and being a jerk about it.

This is supposed to be a partnership, not a competition for which parent is worse. They both failed here. If you don’t agree that they need to communicate, what is your advice? Unless the point of this post is to have everyone say that the two people should divorce because they both suck at being in a relationship, what is OP looking for here?

In any case, it sounds like OP wants to die in this hill that she can’t leave two teenagers and a third grader to keep themselves entertained during their day off even if she is working. They are all old enough not to need her constant attention.

 

[acaudpdrkkl2015]

@bree1224 I do agree they need to communicate. But it's not a 'don't be mad at him you should have communicated' situation. He is the one who pulled the trigger on being not responsible for care, OP hadn't addressed care but also hasn't walked out of the house ignoring the problem.

ESH but the one who ignores the problem 100% is shitter. OP at no stage abandoned her kids to the care of the other.

And if anything, lacking further communication, they have noted that kids need care and that parent b has the capacity for the care while OP doesnt, and then not closed out on who will do care.

So it's not like there was zero communication. Definitely should have been better from both sides but one party here is definitely being more of a lazy ass than the other.

 

[bree1224]

@acaudpdrkkl2015 So parent A has two options at this point: Let things get to this point and then get upset at Parent B, which changes nothing. Parent B is still leaving, the kids are still with Parent A, the issue is not resolved.

Let's be clear here, the way Parent A addressed this problem was NEVER going to solve the issue - both this particular time, or if there is an underlying problem with being the default parent because of the WFH situation. This is picking a fight when it isn't necessary. If they had talked about it beforehand and Parent B backed out of what was agreed on, or even if Parent B during the talk was unwilling to listen to the other person's needs, that's something to work on. For all we know, Parent B believes that it's no big deal that the kids are home for one day while Parent A works from home because it's two teens and a 3rd grader - which many working moms here probably would agree with, given that it's not an uncommon scenario at all.

Again, does it matter who is shittier? Does OP feel better to know that the other parent is MORE in the wrong? Or is OP actually interested in solving the problem and addressing the underlying issue going forward? I know this is Reddit, where people post to just win brownie points, but this is not AITA and it doesn't matter to the kids who sucks more if ESH. Again - now that the problem has already occurred because neither communicated well beforehand, do you throw accusations at your significant other as they're leaving the door, or do you reflect on what you can do better, what they can do better, and both sit down to address it as adults?

They are both being irresponsible for care, her not walking out of the house is irrelevant. You're the one who brought up the scenario of both parents working out of the house and trying to argue that whoever walks out first is "in the right" when in fact that scenario shows very much why both are in the wrong. So 1) what went wrong and 2) how can they fix it.

 

[iamkingsamuel]

@churchbuilder Why would you assume the routine should be the same when the kids have off of school? It shouldn’t be on parent A to always manage those details.

I agree that communication was poor. But an engaged parent should at least recognize things will look different if kids are not in school all day. Parent A should have to spell it out.

 

[churchbuilder]

@iamkingsamuel I would assume the routine is the same because nothing has been decided. If, in casual conversation, someone says “hey kids have no school on Friday” and left it at that, I’d be like oh ok thanks for the heads up, unless both parents work outside the home and have no childcare.

If someone said “hey the kids have no school on Friday and I can’t manage them,” that would be a different conversation that would likely have resulted in a change of routine.

When my husband tells me random things about his day, “hey I have a dental appointment Wednesday morning,” I usually acknowledge and move on unless it is followed by “hey I have a dental appointment Wednesday morning, and I can’t drop off the kids. Can you step in?” Then we would make that plan and execute that plan.

 

[iamkingsamuel]

@churchbuilder Parent B is just as responsible for asking the follow up questions as parent A is. “Hey, the kids have no school on Monday”. Parent B should be responsible for asking for what the means for the routine just as much as much as parent A. Why is the SAHP assumed to be in charge of this?

 

[churchbuilder]

@iamkingsamuel I didn’t think there was a SAHP? Idk with two teenagers and a third grader I wouldn’t think this would be an issue. It’s ok to disagree

 

[jidalbc]

@nataliya This. Both my husband and I wfh in high demand jobs that require all day meetings. When our kid is too sick to go to daycare we have to coordinate a game plan between each other which includes letting our employers know the situation and shifting things around as much as possible to take turns watching our kid. There's no assumptions made without clear communication.

 

[sofa24h]

@kezia Was this discussed at any time before this morning? Sounds like a lack of expectation setting to be honest.

 

[kezia]

@sofa24h yes, on friday, when parent a communicated that their day on monday when the kids would be off was very busy, and parent b expressed their day was not.

 

[bluesky741]

@kezia And what was the conclusion of the convo? Did A ask B to wfh?

 

[kezia]

@bluesky741 nah. he’s at work. you’re all right, i should have communicated better. i’m just worn down from it. i’m the one who picks up from school and then is home from 3:30 until parent b is home at 6. i’m the one home on sick days, and on holidays, and on days off, and on breaks and during the summer. i feel taken advantage of, and also like everyone is saying - what’s the big deal? just be quiet and do it.
and if i ask, he’ll give me all the reasons he can’t work as well at home, and they’re true. so i just suck it up. but guys, especially those with just younger kids - they don’t just quietly entertain themselves. they want food and to chat and to go places. i don’t parentify the older ones so i don’t make them watch the younger, and when i do they get paid and that gets pricy! they want to do fun stuff on their days off, just like we might. so it’s not a walk in the park, either - and i hate repeating “sorry i’m working” ad nauseum too.

 

[paparazi257]

@kezia Your kids are far old enough to be told and understand that, sorry I understand it is your day off but it wasn't in my schedule to take the day off, so you are not going to be able to go out and do fun things today. Summers sound like a different matter as you can't say this for months on end, but as today is a one off, they should be told this frankly and should be old enough to understand it.