16 y/o sleeps all day, seems depressed

[thecore1234]

I'm (M 46y/o) at a loose end with my son ( M 16 y/o). His circadian rhythm is a mess. He burns the midnight oil and sleeps all day. I go into his room, and he's curled up in the fetal position, phone in face, watching endless tiktoks. He seems lonely and depressed. It's a hard pill to swallow.

He's got a good group of friends. He goes to the gym. His grades are good. He is learning guitar. He got a scripted part in a theatre production, impressive for his age.

He said he doesn't think he's good at anything. I feel terrible. His mother and I spilt when he 2 y/o. I'm a weekend dad. I wasnt always around. My life was a mess. I had addiction and girlfriends. I wasnt there for him.

I hear broken homes damage kids. If he has low esteem, its my fault. Perhaps I'm blowing things out of proportion. I don't know?

Anyways, other than the mea culpa. Is your teen glued to the device, waking up at midday? Not sure if I'm overreacting or if my concern is valid.

Thank you for reading

 

[andrey1987]

@thecore1234 Mine was. Same thing. Very sad and anxious after a really messy relationship between me and his male parent.

He was anxious. Suffered from poor self esteem. Wasn't interested in socializing.

I had to match his speed, his interests. I invited him to watch his favoirite shows with me. I watched tiktoks with him. We ate meals together more often than separate. I took him to movies. We played card games. We drew together. We watched basketball games and boxing matches.

Basically anything he was interested in was subject for conversation and leisure activities.

I really worked at winning his circadian rhythm back. I made breakfasts. I made sure that he ate andvdramk during the day instead of later on in the evening. I turned our meals into cooking projects. That way he got excited about coming downstairs.

He hated this one but I involved him more in chores than he had been. That got him moving, too. Laundry, sweeping, mopping, cat litter.

And always loads of conversation and positive reinforcement.

If he wanted to talk in the middle of the night or watch a movie, I was there. Participating but also subtly directing him back to sleep as soon as it was clear he was nodding off.

He's still on the road to recovery. But his nights are not so late and I see him in.the morning.

He has an active social life with his dear friends. He's part of a youth group. He's happier. Way less anxious. He's more resilient.

I basically had no life there for a bit, though...about 3 or 4 years. I was really his crutch and his guide. He leaned on me quite heavily.

Now, he goes to great pains to let me know he's got plans and I should go do something fun.

 

[walknlight]

@andrey1987 This. It’s had been absolutely exhausting over the last couple years for me. I am constantly going going with my teens (16f and 14m), I don’t get very much time to myself. They seem happier since I’ve been putting forth a HUGE effort to be fully there for them though. And I keep reminding myself, everytime I’m tired and I don’t want to do what THEY want to do, that it won’t be long before they are off on their own doing their own things. I know I’ll miss the bustle one day lol.

 

[andrey1987]

@walknlight It is a lot. But it makes them so happy. Increasingly, my teen wants more time doing things that don't involve me. Knowing where I am amd what I'm doing and that he can check in amd touch base as much as he likes seems to work for him. I always miss them as they grow through different developmental phases. But then there is so much if them that is new amd being born to discover.

 

[varden]

@thecore1234 I have Downtime on the teens’ phones and I have social media blocked on it. They can message with their friends and play games (like GamePigeon) with them, and FaceTime (when the phone isn’t on downtime).
Social media use is a major contributor to depression and generally a huge waste of time. Come up with something fun to do with him when he’s with you, and do it. No looking at the phones for either of you while you’re doing it. Get him outside with you.
No phone in the bedroom. When he can’t do anything but sleep in there, he’ll only be in there to sleep.

 

[thecore1234]

@varden I feel social media is a fact of life. It's has good and bad sides. They need to learn to navigate it. The downtime thing is a good idea. I just can't see it working. He's too smart. He'll hack the damn thing.

He plays on his guitar. I'm not sure if he's depressed, and if he is, what causes it. It's a jump to assume social media.

I'll switch off wifi at night.

I appreciate your feedback and pov.

 

[varden]

@thecore1234 If he’s not getting enough Vitamin D and B, that’s a factor in depression/anxiety. Also, if he’s not eating enough in general, or not getting enough protein/fat relative to his caloric intake. A high protein breakfast every day might do wonders for him.

A couple of ideas based on things my teen son is doing…

Preply.com is a great place to find music teachers, if he’d like to take lessons (or lessons in addition to what he’s already getting).
My oldest son is learning classical guitar from a guy in Argentina for $15 per hour; he really enjoys it and has a good rapport with the teacher.

He also joined the Civil Air Patrol earlier this summer; if you have a squadron close by it’s worth looking into. Inexpensive, wholesome, encouraging, and an opportunity to make new friends and learn new skills. He just got back from a day trip to a local corn maze with his squadron.
https://www.gocivilairpatrol.com/programs/cadets

Depression and anxiety can be caused by a lack of defined goals; does he ever talk about his future plans?

 

[thecore1234]

@varden My son has had guitar lessons for about a year. He had lessons as a boy, too. I bought him an electric guitar, and he has an acoustic guitar. I don't live in the USA. I'm pushing for a part-time job. He's not outdoorsy. He'd hate military academy or boy scouts.

We talk about career paths, but I don't want him to worry too much about it. He'll move into medicine. His mothers side of the family are all doctors. His anxiety centers around assessments and exam deadlines.

 

[daexorn]

@thecore1234 Some is normal. Some could probably use some help with a therapist. Likely for both of you. But be thankful he is articulating his feelings. That’s a good first step.

His brain is all weird and yours may be as well. It’s not your fault. Just be there to listen and get help if you can.

 

[chuppers]

@thecore1234 Broken homes are bad for teens.
Social media is too. The confusion around gender and sexuality is surely playing a part. No doubt being on and available 24/7 would be also.
And diet. Diet plays a huge part in whether mental health is good or not.

.. to name a few

Our teens have a lot on their plates. You don’t get to take all the credit there, sorry. I’d bet you’re doing the best that you can.

 

[matheushorta]

@thecore1234 I’d say find a therapist, perhaps look into the difference between child therapy and adult therapy? I’m not sure which category a teen would fit into.

What can it hurt to have someone to talk to and guide you that’s not your parent or peers?

I do a teleheath zoom call with mine once a week and it has helped me immensely.

 

[thecore1234]

@matheushorta Thanks great advice. I'll look into it.

I'm considering group counseling.

 

[matheushorta]

@thecore1234 Yeah! Your teen might not want to do it at first but it’s worth a shot. I remember when I was that age my mom asked if I was depressed while passing through our living room, I was, but said no. She never asked again. Don’t be that parent, it sounds like you’re already on the right path. Keep it up!

 

[feargodnotthem]

@thecore1234 1st of all, yes this sleep habit is normal for teens.
That said, your kid sounds like he has probably had a less than ideal upbringing so you may want to look into getting him some help if possible and possibly figuring out a bonding hobby you can do together (one that HE likes)

 

[moshil]

@thecore1234 Take his fucking phone.

 

[thecore1234]

@moshil I like the directness. The solution is simple. lol

 

[tdarcher7]

@thecore1234 He sounds like a pretty normal kid to me! They are all sleep deprived ( thank you, public schools that start 2 hours before the teenage brain is awake) and most of them are either anxious, depressed, or both. If you said he had no friends that would be worrisome. The fact that he hangs in his room alone a lot is related to this generation’s habits. They do lots of screens and less in-person activities. You say he’s in theater— that’s a great sign that he’s a creative and confident kid. I think someone who felt terrible about themselves would not be trying out for roles or doing as much as your son is. I’m not trying to paint a rosy picture- if you think he’s truly depressed you should explore that. But he sounds like the typical post-pandemic adolescent to me!

 

[thecore1234]

@tdarcher7 Thanks for the awesome comment. The truth is I was in a bit of state when I posted. I had a change of mind. My sons pretty normal, I'm the neurotic one.

He gets up every day and faces the day. All the good things in his life (grades, mates, strength training, extra ciricular activites) is 100% his doing. His mother does not push him. I don't see him enough to influence him. He's self-motivated. Thats the anxiety coming thru.

I hate how they school starts at 8:45AM. Its so draconian!

 

[tdarcher7]

@thecore1234 You’re not neurotic, you’re being a concerned and thoughtful parent. The thousands of nights I can’t sleep worrying about my kids, I can’t even tell you. Also on the slight chance we ARE being over-anxious- who wouldn’t be in this world? I’ve long suspected that the only people who aren’t worried at all times are dumbasses

 

[thecore1234]

@tdarcher7 Thank you. Its feels overwhelming sometimes. You undertsand this. I'm not even full time. The curse of the sometimes parent is worry preys on you. Its a hard cross to bear. But I check out. I have it easy. I admire total parents like you immsensely.

I try stay positive. Sometimes, I see him and smile. We have the future.