katrina2017
New member
@amyamelia I have a couple friends who talked about it taking so long to conceive and when I specified how long they said up to 4 months 
“we weren’t even trying!”
- Thread starter amyamelia
- Start date
-
- Tags
- advice trying for a baby
@katrina2017 ouch 
solomonf1776
New member
@amyamelia Before it happened to me, I always thought those who said ‘we weren’t even trying!’ Were lying. But I had one accidental pregnancy (failed birth control) that ended in an ectopic, and one ‘planned but not really trying’ pregnancy where I no it pregnant first cycle… that also ended in an ectopic.
I’m now TTC number 2 - this is our first cycle trying and part of me really doesn’t want to get pregnant this cycle because in my head if I get pregnant first time then it will end in ectopic (which obviously isn’t how it actually works but the fact that its happened twice now has made it a Thing in my head)
I’m now TTC number 2 - this is our first cycle trying and part of me really doesn’t want to get pregnant this cycle because in my head if I get pregnant first time then it will end in ectopic (which obviously isn’t how it actually works but the fact that its happened twice now has made it a Thing in my head)
@solomonf1776 I totally get that. I’m sending love to you that it goes differently for you next time 
@amyamelia As someone who’s been on both sides of this, when we were accidentally expecting our first, I always felt embarrassed when people would ask us “was it planned?” Or “were you guys trying?” Because then we had to admit that no, we were just being totally careless the one time we got to see each other that month and got hit with a pregnancy that neither of us were ready for. We were just engaged, still living long distance, and I was only halfway through grad school. So this question really made me feel shameful. It was also no one’s business to be asking?!?! I was truly surprised by the number of people who essentially asked us about the details of our sex life. After our journey being much longer and more difficult the second time around when we were actually trying, the question, in hindsight, gives me a different perspective on the motive behind asking it. But still, totally inappropriate to ask someone.
@amyamelia I’m so grateful you posted this because I’ve been struggling on being happy for all my friends who have said these things. More recently a friend of mine got a girl pregnant (and they haven’t even said I love you); he told me by handing me the pregnancy test 
You’re right; we don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes and there’s always more to the story
You’re right; we don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes and there’s always more to the story
@darlin337 Oh wow that is wild! I totally feel you. It’s so hard to be happy for everyone else. I’m glad my post could help a bit 
called2holiness
New member
@amyamelia My first pregnancy, we tried for about 2 years. My second pregnancy just happened 8months postpartum so now we have two under two. The second one, I can confidently say we weren’t even trying. But we were not preventing either. When we were trying with our first, we didn’t tell anyone we were. We just said “whenever God wants to bless us we are ready” but privately, I was tracking everything and we both paid attention to what we ate and our health. I guess it was to avoid people having expectations and kept asking “when?”
@amyamelia Where I live, women typically take a year of parental leave for each child. Such an impact would be idiotic not to plan, but because my manager is so outspokenly childfree and anti-child, I can imagine telling her that my pregnancy was not planned so that she wouldn’t judge me for purposely getting pregnant.
So I can see why couples may say it’s a surprise- there is so much pressure to have a reason to get pregnant or to not get pregnant, they just opt out of that conversation.
So I can see why couples may say it’s a surprise- there is so much pressure to have a reason to get pregnant or to not get pregnant, they just opt out of that conversation.
@amyamelia Yeah, I have one who did plan however keeps telling over and over again: "The chance was less than 20% since I wasn't in ovulation window but it happened from the first try' hahaha. I was genuinely happy and generally don't tend to envy. But it's damn annoying when you hear that over and over again. From a person who knows that I am TTC
@amyamelia Yeah I know a few people like that. Usually it's "we weren't even trying" but what they mean is they didn't use any contraception but weren't actively tracking. After many many months of this, she'd get pregnant and they'd say it was an accident/they weren't trying. So by now hearing that honestly makes me want to roll my eyes. I can't fully take it seriously. And even if it's true, there surely are those cases as well, it's often said like a badge of honour, which is also eye-roll-inducing. We put a lot of value on being fertile I think (we as a society), which yeah we all know, but I didn't realize just how deep it goes. If I'd gotten pregnant in the first cycle, maybe I would've also felt proud of it. So from that angle I'm glad I now see why that's nonsense.
On the other note: one of my friends took 9 months, a family member around a year and a half (I think it was closer to two years but I don't remember exactly anymore). Both conceived "naturally", so without seeking further medical help. The family member had a second child, took about a year too, had a miscarriage at 6ish weeks as well. But yeah has two kids now. A friend of a friend did IVF and successfully got pregnant that way.
On the other note: one of my friends took 9 months, a family member around a year and a half (I think it was closer to two years but I don't remember exactly anymore). Both conceived "naturally", so without seeking further medical help. The family member had a second child, took about a year too, had a miscarriage at 6ish weeks as well. But yeah has two kids now. A friend of a friend did IVF and successfully got pregnant that way.
katrina2017
New member
@amyamelia To be honest.... depending who asked me or who I was talking to, I would lie and say it was quick/a surprise. Only our nearest and dearest people would ever know our private struggles because it's not something I want to talk about.
@amyamelia My oldest sister does this for some reason (acting like each of her 6 children with her husband were accidents)... Statistically, that's just so unlikely because by the first few "oops" babies, you'd figure out how to actually prevent that. But also, I know that she was actually thinking about it on her end and used OPKs for a couple of them. It really confuses me when she says stuff like that and I internally roll my eyes.
It's interesting to hear that this is a wider spread fiction
It's interesting to hear that this is a wider spread fiction
@amyamelia Such an unnecessary lie! So I'm glad that your post is shedding light on this issue.
mangalnmbs
New member
@amyamelia I’m going to be honest, I am one of those cases with my first born. It was easier to act like he was a random case to my best friend who had had 2 losses at the time rather than telling her we were trying. I wasn’t sure how she was going to react as she had expressed that we needed to wait for marriage (older views) and I wasn’t willing to negotiate with someone who wasn’t my fiancé on when I should start trying. It took several months and a loss but to most people he was an “accident” but he is/was a very wanted baby.
My sister in law can think about having a child and becomes pregnant. I asked her how is it being Gods favorite and she laughed put her hand on my back and said “hey, he just pours wild in a bucket and says “well this one is ready”.”
My sister in law can think about having a child and becomes pregnant. I asked her how is it being Gods favorite and she laughed put her hand on my back and said “hey, he just pours wild in a bucket and says “well this one is ready”.”
@mangalnmbs Thank you so much for sharing your story, it’s great hearing all different perspectives 
@amyamelia I had a coworker (who has 3 kids now) tell me that she was going to wait for March to try for her 3rd baby because she wanted maternity leave to match up with the holidays. She said she gets pregnant really easily. I thought she was kind of full of it. But nope. She was pregnant in March. Just like she had said. Insane. Apparently all of her pregnancies happened EXACTLY when she wanted them to 
missionsmanual
New member
@amyamelia TW: living children
I got pregnant by complete surprise at 20, which was a massive shock and flipped my world upside down. It took us around 4 months to conceive my second baby a few years later, but 10 years down the line we decide we would love a third baby to complete our family and absolutely nothing - over two years of TTC and nothing.
So I feel like I’ve been on all sides of this journey, and I’m always beating myself up like I must have done something wrong to conceive my first two relatively easy yet my body just won’t do the job for the third time.
I got pregnant by complete surprise at 20, which was a massive shock and flipped my world upside down. It took us around 4 months to conceive my second baby a few years later, but 10 years down the line we decide we would love a third baby to complete our family and absolutely nothing - over two years of TTC and nothing.
So I feel like I’ve been on all sides of this journey, and I’m always beating myself up like I must have done something wrong to conceive my first two relatively easy yet my body just won’t do the job for the third time.