Years of infertility and trauma and now I’m 22 weeks and haven’t planned a thing

[promise1]

As the title says, I struggled with infertility for 5 years, did donor egg ivf, had a miscarriage last year and now I’m 22 weeks pregnant. I had spotting and bleeding all of my first trimester and spotting again at 18 weeks. 20 week scan found a hematoma on my placenta and a cyst on the baby’s brain. I’ve made peace with the cyst because we don’t have any other concerning markers. But I can’t shake my terror over this hematoma. It looks like I will be doing non stress testing 1-2 times a week starting around 26-28 weeks. I’m just a mess.

Everyone around me is overjoyed and I can’t feel that joy. I’m anxious and depressed, having ocd behaviors and hardly leaving my home. All this being said, I haven’t bought a single thing for this baby. I still don’t believe it’s going to happen.

What do I do? When do I start buying things? I haven’t even thought about the birth but it looks like I will be induced or have a c section. I’m so scared of both of these things. We are going to be moving early April so I’m hoping I will start planning more things at that time. But now I’m starting to worry that all this fear and frozen stuckness have made it so I will be planning everything so last minute.

 

[pilot2015]

@promise1 I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. You are strong for persevering. My personal experience was similar in regards to preparations. I felt too scared to buy anything or set anything up. We did set up a bulk of the nursery about 2ish weeks before baby arrived. It worked out for us, but I wasnt able to be very helpful. Honestly though you don't have to do much before if you're not up for it. Especially if you will have support/help after. You just need a way to get baby home, a place for baby to sleep, some diapers/wipes, some Jammies, and swaddles/sleep sacks. If you want a pack'n'play (I found this useful Especially the kind that has 2 different mattress heights so you can put newborn in it) you can keep it in the box until you get home and boom instant crib/safe place to set baby. Then after you can have your helpers set up the rest of your nursery. Just an idea. It's so hard not to feel like it's surreal or you can jinx it somehow. Do what you need to do to get through this!

 

[promise1]

@pilot2015 Thank you for sharing your perspective and advice! Two weeks before sounds great. I didn't even know what a pack and play was until you wrote it here and I googled it. That looks pretty easy and doable!!

 

[nancy7]

@promise1 I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I struggled too with getting the nursery ready, as I was convinced I wouldn’t get my “take home baby”.

I first bought stuff at viability (24 weeks) and did a LOT of Amazon shopping in the hospital. At viability, I got the big things (crib, bassinet, changing table topper). I let people buy me clothes and diapers and wipes at 28 weeks, and finally did my own shopping around 30 weeks.

You do what makes you feel comfortable. I have a friend who is Jewish and she did zero prep for the baby as (according to her) it was bad luck to prepare for the baby before it arrived.

 

[promise1]

@nancy7 Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice! I like the idea of buying the big things on the sooner side and then the smaller things from the hospital or having friends/family buy them. How interesting you mentioned your friend being Jewish-- I'm Jewish as well. I wonder if I have similar underlying feelings of "jinxing" things. I've never been religious or superstitious, but I do have a few very close people in my life that are also Jewish and talk about jinxing things!

 

[mattmizzno]

@promise1 After a late loss, I don’t have a “safe zone” this pregnancy, so I have the exact anxiety you describe. One of the kindest things someone told me is that newborns are easy. They don’t hardly need anything (if you’re thinking of a nursery, they wouldn’t even use it until well after 6mo).

On the day you deliver, you could honestly have someone run out to get the essentials: some newborn clothes, diapers/wipes, a carseat, and a little bassinet. I started saving about $20/wk so that I have that as my backup plan in case I can’t get to a spot mentally where I’m ready to make purchases.

 

[promise1]

@mattmizzno That is great advice, thank you!! When you say they don't need the nursery until 6 months, can you explain that to me? I've literally done zero research on once the baby arrives and I pictured them in the nursery right away.

 

[mattmizzno]

@promise1 Most babies will sleep in a bassinet in your room until about 6 months (since they’re up every 3-4 hours, you definitely want them nearby). A big added bonus if you’re still not at the point of planning a nursery: room-sharing, not bed-sharing, has also been shown to offer about a 50% reduction in the risk of SIDS.

At 6(ish) months, baby could be moved to a crib in their nursery, but even then, you could easily have that in your room if you wanted. Babies don’t really start sitting up (or doing much of anything besides being adorable) until 6ish months anyways, so you definitely have time to acquire everything else