This is a bit of a long one so sorry in advance, I think I just need some outside perspective as I don't know what to think anymore.
Background...
I've been with my bf for two years and he has two boys from a previous relationship that broke down about 3 and a half years ago. When we first met we fell head over heels, he was working at the same place as me as a supply teacher. When he left the school he moved 5 hours away to be nearer his children. We were long distance for a few months until he moved back and in with me. He kept the flat in the other town so he could travel and still see the children as much as he was when he lived there, which was every other weekend. Things were great for a few months until his ex found out he was dating and living with me and stopped all contact with his children. This continued for 5 months until we saved the cash to take her to court.
Court seemed to work, contact resumed every other weekend and phone contact during the week. The problem now was that as we were so far away and had given up the flat, he was only given day contact on a Saturday. No over nights, which we knew would happen being so far away. Immediately we put into action plans to move closer. I quit my job, put in notice on my rented house and we moved closer just before Christmas this year. Overnight contact was granted in court and things were good.
The problem...
When the ex stopped contact she became incredibly abusive. She would call both of us every name under the sun, threaten to hurt us, said that she hoped any children we had were born retarded or died... It was horrible and very hurtful but he dealt with it by ignoring most of it and not replying. Looking back at it he would defend any accusation against him, but would ignore any slander against me. I put it down to how stressed he was, it was a horrific time and really took its toll on him. Now during all of this I've tried to be so patient and supportive. I've given him space when he needed it and held him when he cried. I left my life behind to help fix things... But now things are settling down I'm noticing some things that are really worrying me.
When she slags me off and calls me names now, he still ignores it... Literally pretends she didn't say it. I get called "that whore" and may other names and he just skips over it. I've asked him many times why, and he says that it's not worth the arguments it would cause and the abuse just wouldn't end. I though for a long time that that was fair enough, I didn't want anything to risk him not seeing his children and I'm a grown up and can take been called a few names. Now he also keeps me well away from her... She knows the boys stay with both of us, but he will never ever mention anything to do with me, it's always a solo effort when what we are doing gets brought up. Lots of I and Me, not us or we. Yet again, I thought fair enough, I don't want to upset anything by being childish about being left out.
Until a few months ago. He was made unemployed when his contract ended and had problems paying maintainence. It was going through the child support agency and he was behind with payments whilst they readjusted the claim. We could have made the payments but he said to wait for them to make the adjustments. This caused many arguments between them, that would go on for ages, and she kicked off and stopped contact. It went back to court and payments and contact restarted.
Now my problem is this... He'll argue to the ends of the earth with her about money... Risk not seeing his children over money... "to show her she can fuck off and stop controlling me " to quote him. But he still won't include me or defend me incase she stops contact. It doesn't make sense.
Last night she text to say the eldest has a school play next week and did he want to go. He text her back asking where he could get a ticket from, and boasted to me that he had said ticket not tickets on purpose. I know it's a silly thing to get mad about but it was the last straw. I calmly asked why he had done that and he couldn't answer. We argued and I left the house. I asked him many times why it was like this, where I'm excluded all the time and not defended and he kept saying it was to not cause waves. So then I asked why he'll cause waves over money and not me. He dodged the question for ages then when confronted said he couldn't answer me and went to bed.
Reddit I don't know what to think... Am I being unreasonable expecting to be defended just a little when she calls me names? Or now that things have settled down to be included a little? I can't even go with him to pick up or drop the boys off... I have to stay home...
Tl.Dr. My boyfriend won't defend me when his ex calls me names and won't acknowledge my existence to her beyond a theoretical person that help look after his children.
Background...
I've been with my bf for two years and he has two boys from a previous relationship that broke down about 3 and a half years ago. When we first met we fell head over heels, he was working at the same place as me as a supply teacher. When he left the school he moved 5 hours away to be nearer his children. We were long distance for a few months until he moved back and in with me. He kept the flat in the other town so he could travel and still see the children as much as he was when he lived there, which was every other weekend. Things were great for a few months until his ex found out he was dating and living with me and stopped all contact with his children. This continued for 5 months until we saved the cash to take her to court.
Court seemed to work, contact resumed every other weekend and phone contact during the week. The problem now was that as we were so far away and had given up the flat, he was only given day contact on a Saturday. No over nights, which we knew would happen being so far away. Immediately we put into action plans to move closer. I quit my job, put in notice on my rented house and we moved closer just before Christmas this year. Overnight contact was granted in court and things were good.
The problem...
When the ex stopped contact she became incredibly abusive. She would call both of us every name under the sun, threaten to hurt us, said that she hoped any children we had were born retarded or died... It was horrible and very hurtful but he dealt with it by ignoring most of it and not replying. Looking back at it he would defend any accusation against him, but would ignore any slander against me. I put it down to how stressed he was, it was a horrific time and really took its toll on him. Now during all of this I've tried to be so patient and supportive. I've given him space when he needed it and held him when he cried. I left my life behind to help fix things... But now things are settling down I'm noticing some things that are really worrying me.
When she slags me off and calls me names now, he still ignores it... Literally pretends she didn't say it. I get called "that whore" and may other names and he just skips over it. I've asked him many times why, and he says that it's not worth the arguments it would cause and the abuse just wouldn't end. I though for a long time that that was fair enough, I didn't want anything to risk him not seeing his children and I'm a grown up and can take been called a few names. Now he also keeps me well away from her... She knows the boys stay with both of us, but he will never ever mention anything to do with me, it's always a solo effort when what we are doing gets brought up. Lots of I and Me, not us or we. Yet again, I thought fair enough, I don't want to upset anything by being childish about being left out.
Until a few months ago. He was made unemployed when his contract ended and had problems paying maintainence. It was going through the child support agency and he was behind with payments whilst they readjusted the claim. We could have made the payments but he said to wait for them to make the adjustments. This caused many arguments between them, that would go on for ages, and she kicked off and stopped contact. It went back to court and payments and contact restarted.
Now my problem is this... He'll argue to the ends of the earth with her about money... Risk not seeing his children over money... "to show her she can fuck off and stop controlling me " to quote him. But he still won't include me or defend me incase she stops contact. It doesn't make sense.
Last night she text to say the eldest has a school play next week and did he want to go. He text her back asking where he could get a ticket from, and boasted to me that he had said ticket not tickets on purpose. I know it's a silly thing to get mad about but it was the last straw. I calmly asked why he had done that and he couldn't answer. We argued and I left the house. I asked him many times why it was like this, where I'm excluded all the time and not defended and he kept saying it was to not cause waves. So then I asked why he'll cause waves over money and not me. He dodged the question for ages then when confronted said he couldn't answer me and went to bed.
Reddit I don't know what to think... Am I being unreasonable expecting to be defended just a little when she calls me names? Or now that things have settled down to be included a little? I can't even go with him to pick up or drop the boys off... I have to stay home...
Tl.Dr. My boyfriend won't defend me when his ex calls me names and won't acknowledge my existence to her beyond a theoretical person that help look after his children.