Words used at Mom’s

[olesia]

Ex’s new husband apparently has some road rage and a penchance towards cursing.

The kids have told me this much.

Apparently, he tells his bio kid to “shut up”, and my son (my kids are 10, 7, 6, and his is 5) claims he’s been told to “shut up” before, perhaps a couple times.

Mom and I don’t get along too well and keep communication to a minimum. She did bring up a concern about my wife’s 8-year-old sister apparently holding my 6-year-old’s arm to keep her from grabbing a marker of hers without asking, and expressed she was concerned about the age/size difference, but no marks or anything of note, so it was the first time I’d heard this had happened as they get along great and neither kid has any behavioral issues.

Should I bring up my concern about words used in my ex’s household by her husband?

1.5 years divorced, 2 years separated.

My youngest (6) also told me she’s scared “he’s hurting Mommy in her feelings” bc she cries.

Not sure what to do here, or how to address this without direct defensive opposition.

Email I just made to myself to document:

January 7, 2024

6 girl: Scared he’s hurting mommy in her feelings as mommy cried

7 boy: has told boy and tells his bio daughter to shut up a few times

Girl/boy: husband curses and has road rage. Cursed around them often.

Boy: “Some nights I hear Mommy and husband fighting and yelling.”

Boy: Yelled at and scared. Mommy told husband not to yell at him and said he could eat.

Boy: Yells at him a lot. When asks for food, he gets very mad.

Boy/girl: I love how you and Emma don’t yell or get mad at each other. Mommy and Brandon yell a lot.

Boy: husband would spank. Whipped with hand and wooden spoon. “Mommy promised no more spankings.”

 

[kryptonkangaroo]

@olesia The stepdad should absolutely not be physically punishing your children and it seems that this is something that could be court enforceable. May be worth a call back to your attorney to see if anything can be done about this.

 

[olesia]

@kryptonkangaroo We used a mediator for the divorce. I am not sure what is actually happening atm. My daughters say they have never been spanked, and my son says he’s been threatened to be spanked with a spoon and that he and my younger daughter have been, but my younger daughter says she has never been.

My oldest can only confirm the previous fights and issues that I addressed with my ex previously. They’re all crammed into a 2 bedroom atm, so I don’t think much would get by her, but I talked with her therapist tomorrow about how to best approach this information with an ex who is not easy to deal with.

 

[catholicbat]

@olesia Had a similar situation and it took a CPS call because hcbm and boyfriend escalated and left marks after we talked in a civil manner. After CPS there is no more hitting from our understanding but still lots of yelling and name calling. Not much you can do, it isn’t illegal to be a shitty parent… keep the kids in therapy and love the tar out of them and be the safe space. If your ex and her new husband are high conflict within their own relationship and yours, it maybe worth looking into parallel parenting. At the end of the day you can’t control the other side’s actions. But you can be there when it inevitably falls apart and still have your sanity.

 

[gangel062]

@olesia Wow. I personally would address it, BUT try to find a way to make sure the kids do get the backlash.

Maybe meet in a public mutual area. Inform her beforehand that you would like to talk about some concerns. I wouldn't blind side her with it.

Maybe now is a time to talk bout how to handle these things in the future. Im sure you both love the kids, so trying to work together a little will be beneficial. Even more so because they are still so young.

My coparent n I talk, but if we have to, I will always make sure our son doesn't get the heat from it. It's not his fault we are his parents or that we dont see eye to eye.

Hope you two can come to a mutual agreement. Good luck.

 

[olesia]

@gangel062 I have to do this via email. We’re contentious and I’ve had to grey rock her in the past. She sent a book-long admission email to jealousy and other stuff fueling her negative actions and words in the past, but none of it felt sincere, I just grey rocked it and answered only pertinent things about the kids.

They recently married and she has a baby on the way, so I assume she’s deadlocked into their relationship atm. I am meeting with my oldest’s therapist tomorrow at the end of her session to discuss these things I have documented in email.

This guy and his ex were high conflict with several domestic disturbance calls on his and her records. My ex and I were never like that, but I left the marriage citing I was choosing my mental health over the relationship.

I just BIFF and grey rock as our entire means of communication. Everything is BIFF from my side. Anything extra and she has fuel for toxicity.

Neither of us have funds to fuel a court battle, and that would be deterimental to the children anyway. I just don’t know how to word this email. I’ve had to discuss concerns about her husband in the past after my school’s (I’m a teacher) social worker helped me research his records and address things the kids said previously—on a lesser scale, but about their constant fighting.

 

[gangel062]

@olesia Hope the oldest therapist was helpful. The fact that you have him in therapy is great.

Wow, from the sounds of it, you're doing everything right. Just keep doing everything you are. Document every, and the therapist should already be doing the same. Maybe share your documents with them so they have all the information.

Hopefully, she realizes what's going on sooner rather than later. But if not. Keep showing them YOU are there for them, that YOU will do anything you can to try to keep them safe.

I do hope something is figured out for these babies. Hearts my heart they have to go through this.

Hug em tighter and just keep being a good parent.