Why do parents have such a hard time letting go? I.e. Letting their kids become adults?

[davidg467]

Not a parent, and personally didn’t have this problem, my parents seemed to let go by the time I turned 18.

I’ve just come across a lot of stories of parents controlling their kids well into their 30s and just less severe but similar stories of parents refusing to give up control of their young adult. Is control just the primary reason?

 

[kevonb129]

@davidg467 When you have a baby, being a parent has to become almost your entire personality, whether you want it to or not. You have to anticipate the needs of someone else, plan around naps, call to make dental check-up appointments, call to schedule their vaccines, register them for school, send 30 little cards for Valentine's day. It's a huge mental load to carry around and quite stressful. The mental load can be so large that it pushes out any room (mentally and physically) for other hobbies or interests. The only thing left is the little bit of serotonin boost when you cross something off your mental checklist.

Now all of a sudden your kid moved out and your brain is still creating those little mental checklists. Did they study for the physics test? Did they get their car inspected? Did they get their passport renewed? Are they washing their sheets enough?

All these thoughts still rattling around in the parents brain and not knowing the answers to these questions can trigger anxiety. It can be hard to let go. Some parents have an easier time and letting go comes naturally, others have a harder time.

The ideal practice is to slowly transition the mental load to your kid starting around age 8-12 depending on the kid. They should do some chores without being asked. Do their homework without being asked. Then when they get a little older they should keep track of their own doctor and dentist appointments, etc

 

[bluegot]

@davidg467 Days after we dropped off my only child in his dorm, I experienced empty nest syndrome. The sadness was indescribable. It was deep loneliness but I thank God that the sorrow was short.

I am aware that I need to let go of my son and I thought I was ready but during college move-in day I was overwhelmed by many thoughts. I was sad, scared and worried. I was with him for 18 years, I took really good care of him and worried that something bad might happen to him.

Now, my son is a senior in college and prayer gives me peace. We communicate everyday and he informs us about his plans or sometimes asks for advice.

 

[saulfactuspaul]

@davidg467 How long is a piece of string? There are as many reasons as there are controlling parents.

Just a few I can think of:

• a wish to live vicariously through their children (and therefore only want them to do the things the parent/s themselves wanted to achieve)
• an inability to let go of their "little kid": you have to understand that parenting can be an enormous time/money/energy drain and it can become an enormous part of your identity: it can be very hard to just let that go. For some parents, they feel like they lose purpose.
• general narcissism
• extreme religious beliefs
• some form of exploitation (monetary perhaps)
• worried the kid can't actually handle adulthood and so are overbearing in a (failed) attempt to help

They say "parenting is the art of slowly letting go". It is a hard thing to dedicate your life to the well-being of another person and then have them want to get away from you. Imagine an 18-year relationship and then they break up with you: that feeling would only skim the surface of the emotional difficulty involved here, especially since it's a particularly close bond and you're highly invested in your kids' success.

That's the only reason I personally can imagine myself not being capable of letting my kids go, but as per the above there are plenty of others.

 

[katrina2017]

@davidg467 I think the reason is fear. Fear that if they aren't there, their child will be hurt by someone and be alone dealing with it. Fear that if their child has too much stress, they will cope poorly, maybe become depressed. Maybe the parent thinks they struggled too hard mentally themselves when starting out and want their child to have an easier time.