When your kids notice the other coparent not being fair, how do you respond?

[audranne]

Expanding on the title. I'm co-parenting with someone who is controlling, manipulative, and hellbent on 'winning' at all costs. What does she want to win? I have no idea. I wish there we're awards for coparenting, but there are not. Anyway, It's starting to become so noticeable that my oldest daughter has begun asking me questions like: "Why is mom screaming? Why is mom trying to change how much we see you? Why is mom mad about X, Y, Z? Why is mom changing my birthday plans? ETC ETC ON AND ON FOREVER.

I'm struggling to know what to say in return, or how much to divulge. I don't want to influence my daughter, but I also don't want her to feel alienated and confused by the constant changing of plans, dates, stories, and rage that are shown in front of her. For the past few years, I've kept a straight face, just said, "Don't worry, I'll talk to your mom about it." but it's becoming increasingly hard, and a few times I've let things slip like "I don't know why your mom is acting this way, I don't know what to do." or, "Well, that's not what we had planned, so she must have changed it." While I know that's not an insane thing to say, I just don't want to bad mouth the other parent in any way.

I need advice from other coparents that have dealt with this. Where's the line between informing your kid about legitimate crazy-making, and pushing it away to act like everything is fine? I want to be there for her, but I don't want to overstep or say anything bad.

Thanks in advance!

A very tired dad.

 

[spookydawg77]

@audranne The line can be very hard to find, but there are some guiding principles:

• Never lie to your kids. That's doesn't mean you have to answer every question or give them every detail, but don't tell them something that is false.
• Don't speculate. If you don't know why your ex is doing something, say you don't know why.
• Try to understand why the kids are you asking you about it. Eg, is your daughter asking you about the changing birthday plans because she's upset about the plans being changed? If so, focus on that, sympathise with her on that, rather than focusing on the fact that it was a unilateral decision by her mum.
• Turn the questions back on your kids. Why do you think your mum is doing this? Validate whatever frustrations that brings out.

 

[audranne]

@spookydawg77 This is great advice, thank you!

 

[peacebestill5]

@spookydawg77 I appreciate this community so much. Storing this answer in my back pocket for the years to come, praying I don't need it. Thank you

 

[stevie83]

@audranne « I don’t know. ». Is a complete answer.

I don’t know. My « coparenting » is a mess

 

[haley009]

@audranne It’s hard when they are so immature and petty and refuse to put the children’s best interest ahead of their hate. Allow your kids to vent to you. Be honest like you have and tell them you don’t know. But the key is to ask how it makes them feel. Or you can say why do you think mom is acting this way or how does it make you feel when mom acts this way. Reassure them it is definitely not their fault mom is upset. You can also be honest and say mom is having a difficult time and having a hard time managing her feelings. And perhaps therapy. My kids had 10 online sessions with a therapist shortly after their dad and I split and it was very helpful. They were 8 and 9 at the time. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s hard enough for the kids w/o the extra drama. So frustrating

 

[audranne]

@haley009 Thanks, great advice. I would love for them to go to therapy. Unfortunately, their mom has stated multiple times that I am the crazy one, diagnosed me with everything under the sun, and often uses it as a weapon. She's even stated that, "They need therapy because of you!" to me. Luckily on the record. I fear that if we enter them into therapy, she might try to manipulate the therapist to do her bidding. It sucks. I've gone to therapy for years and truly believe it would help them, but I don't think she'd be going into it with good faith. I have ADHD and Tourrette's, I do believe my kids have inherited some of those traits and probably could use the help in addition to learning how to deal with the tough stuff they're going through. I just don't know what to do at this point. That's a whole other post though haha.

 

[spookydawg77]

@audranne If the therapist is any good, they will see straight through any attempts to manipulate them.

 

[khohanguc]

@audranne As a therapist, we are pretty used to having to weed out what's good for the kids versus what's overstepping on the part of the parent. Some of us even specialize in working with kids (and adults) during divorce/coparenting conflict and will provide feedback to both parents on how to coparent / communicate with the kids better, or will recommended conjoint or individual therapy to parents when we feel its going to help the children we're working with. Usually even when a parent says the kid is the problem I can get them with a "that sounds like it's really stressful for you, do you think you having your own therapist to talk through that with might be helpful?" And they feel so VALID even though I haven't told them their kid is a problem that they agree to see a coworker who will very gently push them on their parenting

 

[khohanguc]

@audranne Also ADHD and tourrettes don't make your kids (or you) "problems" so maybe let's try to ammend that thought too

 

[audranne]

@khohanguc Oh I didn’t mean to say it was a problem to have adhd & tourrettes, but the other parent absolutely believes they are personal flaws and uses them as weapons against me constantly. I know that it’s only a matter of time before she does it to my girls. What sucks is she’s an elementary school teacher and should know better. I think these are super interesting and useful traits to have, I myself am very creative and I know that’s because of my weird/wonderful neurodiversity, I try to teach them to value themselves in the same way. I worry more about them getting the proper support to learn to deal with it, and accept themselves, if they end up being like me.

This is great advice about therapy. I think I always fear the worst. I have good reason to, but putting that aside and hoping that I can find an objective therapist that understands the situation and wants the best for the girls would be a good option. I definitely shut down her suggestion to use the counselor at the school she works at (and my girls go to) although, I would hope that person could be objective, it seemed like a recipe for serious triangulation. I know I sound paranoid here, but unfortunately that’s already an issue at their school.

 

[danields]

@audranne Saying “I don’t know” - is both honest and not saying anything bad about the other parent.

 

[jlamb1]

@audranne How old is the child please

 

[audranne]

@jlamb1 She's 9. My 7 year old doesn't care about any of it at all. My 9 year old is very smart and observant.

 

[earthly0upe]

@audranne Your 7 year old is likely paying attention to your 9 yo questions and your answers. Sometimes kids take up different dynamics to the same stressful behavior.

 

[audranne]

@earthly0upe Oh I'm sure she does notice it, she just seems less emotionally effected by it. For her, the divorce happened at a much younger age, so I'm sure part of it is she's just used to it being this way.

 

[hocachepkoi]

@audranne Call it for what it is, just be "nice" about it. For example, instead of "your mom is a crazy psycho bitch now, get used to it," say something like "your mom is going through a lot, its common for people to take their anger and frustration out on someone they know, especially someone they used to be married to." Going further, point out that "mom needs our patience right now." You could do your own version of that but that's how I spun the craziness to my daughter. Unfortunately, she was very impressionable and bought into her mom's antics, becoming a mini-me version.

Your daughter is doing something that is promising- identifying strange unprovoked nonsensical aggressive behavior and questioning you about it. That's something my daughter never did. It sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders, something that could be a key factor in protecting your relationship with the other kids by them seeing her reaction to mom's antics. Aside from that, all the counselling in the world may or may not make a difference in protecting your relationship with your kids. It didn't help me because my daughter would not share what was going on at her mom's. It was always "everything's fine" but in no way was it fine at all, not even remotely. She was pummeled with her mom's hate towards me relentlessy. I know this because my ex's b/f became an ex and he told me. Do everything you can to spare your kids if its that bad. That's where the counselor, or even "ad litem" could be your and your kids savior if things end up in court. Best of luck.

 

[audranne]

@hocachepkoi This is great advice, thank you. My daughter is super smart, super kind, and endlessly curious she definitely has the ability to think for her self, luckily. For her own sake that will be good in the long run. I know that when I try to help her express emotions I tend to get the “I’m fine” response, so I would assume it would go that way in counseling too.

 

[pattyketty]

@audranne Your daughter sounds really observant and is probably more on the sensitive side. The danger with kids like this, is they are more prone to feel ‘if only I did something, or had enough data to reason with Mom, I could make this stop’. Which isn’t true. It’s not kiddo’s job.

Your job, as the stable parent, is to steer her away from ANY involvement. And you do this by saying in a very neutral, uninterested tone: ‘I don’t know.’ Followed immediately by an upbeat ‘Hey! Let’s go play at the park after dinner! It’s a beautiful evening!’

Because the truth is, you don’t know why Mom is doing those things and you will likely never know.

 

[audranne]

@pattyketty True, she’s very similar to me as a kid, and I worry so much that she’ll end up in that kind of relationship when she grows up. I don’t want her to learn to just be “the peacemaker” for her mom’s sake and to spare her trouble. Trying my best to teach her that it’s ok to say no, it’s ok to disagree with people, and it’s ok to have your own opinions about everything in life. It’s so hard knowing most of it she will have to learn for herself, but I’m doing my best over here!