@louismartin My mom had 3 kids and we all have separate dads and she’d tell us stories about our dads and treat us based on how she felt toward them; mine (oldest) had visitation, my sisters (middle) was abusive and gone, never saw her and she was married to my brothers dad. She literally told my sister and me she’d never wanted us, she’d just been trying for her son and she openly blamed my sister for the breakdown of her marriage. It’s insane but ppl really do this type of shit all the time.
When you see parents of multiples favour one over others..
- Thread starter louismartin
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@louismartin I lived it - my mom favorited my sister very openly and obviously and it was straight up emotional abuse. If you don’t think you can show your children equal love even if you secretly love one more, don’t have more than one child.
This is one of the biggest reasons we are OAD.
This is one of the biggest reasons we are OAD.
katrina2017
New member
@louismartin In my extended family, there is a couple with three children. The middle child is openly the favourite, to say she is spoiled by her parents is an understatement. Meanwhile, the two other children aren't as loved. The eldest kid has normalized this behaviour ("I was a difficult baby, of course my parents prefer my sister.") and the youngest is just... ignored. It's extremely sad to see.
@louismartin I’m an only but my parents are the youngest siblings of large families. Their parents and siblings made it painfully clear that they were NOT wanted and were treated terribly. It fucked them up so much they decided THEY couldn’t have more than one child and stopped at me. They really did their best to break the cycle of abuse, but even as adults in their 60s, you can still tell they deal with a lot of emotional problems.
This alone leads me to only wanting one. I know I would do my best to raise all of my children equally, especially after seeing the way my parents were treated. But I’m truly worried I will internally have a favorite and show that I prefer one child over the other on a subconscious level. Plus I’m so attached to my 9 month old son, I don’t know if I could really love another child the same way.
I would never ever want to inflict the pain and emotional damage of favoritism, even if unintentional.
This alone leads me to only wanting one. I know I would do my best to raise all of my children equally, especially after seeing the way my parents were treated. But I’m truly worried I will internally have a favorite and show that I prefer one child over the other on a subconscious level. Plus I’m so attached to my 9 month old son, I don’t know if I could really love another child the same way.
I would never ever want to inflict the pain and emotional damage of favoritism, even if unintentional.
@bluejay57 I appreciate your post so much. Thank you. I am over hear crying reading some of the comments because I was abused emotionally (mainly) as a child and reading all of this just confirms it more. But it also makes me sad because these are the same reasons I only will have my one angel boy. I cannot imagine him not having me at my best. Ugh.
@bluejay57 Thank you so much! Yes we are a happy little family over here
We both stopped the cycle.
We both stopped the cycle.katrina2017
New member
@louismartin I almost posted something like this in Easter. We (me, my husband and our daughter(5)) had Easter dinner with my bil and his family. It’s him/his son(5), his gf and her two (10m, 9f). Then my mil, her mom, and the gf’s Mamaw. Everything was going good until the egg hunt. They had a king and queen egg but my bil wanted to keep it fair money wise and gave all the kids $5 in their goody bags.
The littlest two got to have a few minutes head start since you know, they’re smaller. Then the big kids went. Within two minutes my niece found both of the big eggs. We we all standing on the porch and she found them fair and square.
All of the sudden my oldest nephew, the oldest of them all, got all pissy and stopped hunting eggs. My bil said he shouldn’t get candy if he wanted to act that way. He went inside.
When the other kids were done we went in and went on and divided the candy amongst all four kids. Oldest sat there and wanted to open his eggs, then didn’t want to pick them up. His mom told him stop before he got a whooping. My bil said he didn’t see that happening.
She sent him to his room then he came back whining that his ring pop was busted. If this had been my other nephew (5) or even my niece they would’ve been spanked already. I know my niece is right there behind him in age but she’s like a wilder spirit so seems younger. But like… I don’t really care about whooping but not my kids but my thinking is how do you have more tolerance with the older one who should definitely know better than the younger two?
Also Mamaw went back to his room to talk to him and he FLAT OUT LIED and said he was going to get the egg and his sister pushed him. Mamaw has cataracts so she doesn’t know. We all were standing there. Their mom was like she probably did with her little mean ass and she had been standing there herself as well…
We left not long after that but Mamaw was getting onto my niece. My mil told us yesterday my niece apologized to her brother and gave him a dollar. It’s just some bullshit.
The littlest two got to have a few minutes head start since you know, they’re smaller. Then the big kids went. Within two minutes my niece found both of the big eggs. We we all standing on the porch and she found them fair and square.
All of the sudden my oldest nephew, the oldest of them all, got all pissy and stopped hunting eggs. My bil said he shouldn’t get candy if he wanted to act that way. He went inside.
When the other kids were done we went in and went on and divided the candy amongst all four kids. Oldest sat there and wanted to open his eggs, then didn’t want to pick them up. His mom told him stop before he got a whooping. My bil said he didn’t see that happening.
She sent him to his room then he came back whining that his ring pop was busted. If this had been my other nephew (5) or even my niece they would’ve been spanked already. I know my niece is right there behind him in age but she’s like a wilder spirit so seems younger. But like… I don’t really care about whooping but not my kids but my thinking is how do you have more tolerance with the older one who should definitely know better than the younger two?
Also Mamaw went back to his room to talk to him and he FLAT OUT LIED and said he was going to get the egg and his sister pushed him. Mamaw has cataracts so she doesn’t know. We all were standing there. Their mom was like she probably did with her little mean ass and she had been standing there herself as well…
We left not long after that but Mamaw was getting onto my niece. My mil told us yesterday my niece apologized to her brother and gave him a dollar. It’s just some bullshit.
@louismartin Yeah since being OAD I have also become hyper aware of parental favoritism. The parenting advice column I read on Slate has soooo many parents playing favorites, causing rifts, and then wondering why their less favorite kid is upset.
I also notice people putting up more pics of their younger child/baby on social media. Or making more of a fuss of the same gender child. I have a trans activist friend who says their community mocks people who want “one of each” for assuming that there are only two genders and the child’s gender identity will perfectly align with the parent’s.
I also notice people putting up more pics of their younger child/baby on social media. Or making more of a fuss of the same gender child. I have a trans activist friend who says their community mocks people who want “one of each” for assuming that there are only two genders and the child’s gender identity will perfectly align with the parent’s.
@louismartin But is it the results of having multiple kids or just the results of bad parenting. Bad parents can also do damage when having an only
louismartin
New member
@alder56 In my more logical thoughts the division of attention, internal favouritism and simply having more in common with one person over another is the root cause of it all - you can be a wonderful parent and put up on pedestals by other parents but still unknowingly emotionally neglect one child. I hope no one sets out to be a bad parent but we all know it happens.
@louismartin I see it ALOT with my own immediate family and also my In-laws. With both of my parents they ofc always swore there was no favoritism and while I understand maybe some kids need more attention than others it was VERY obvious I was the least liked one, I always attributed it to the fact I was the oldest and also the only girl, which meant my family had more expectations of me and when I didn’t meet them they were upset. With my In laws i saw my MIL do it to her own nephew, because he had 2 other sisters she would always dote on them yet whenever Poor nephew needed a snack or something it was always “this kid eats too much” if one of the girls wanted to play with his toys that he was playing with, he needed to give it to them, or if he needed more patience it was annoying to her