what's fair when one parent travels half the week?

[idontknow]

If one parent travels for work (overnight, 3-4 days a week) and the other parent does not travel and instead works a "normal" 9-5, how should household labor be divided?
I am thinking of day to day housework with kids, like making dinner, driving kids to activities, laundry, daily kitchen cleanup, grocery shopping- not big, occasional projects.

For example, should the parent who travels pick up more household labor when home? (E.g., do 60-70% of the household work for the 3-4 days they are home, since they did 0% over 3-4 days while away)

Or, since the parent who travels is working those travel days, should that parent be "excused" from the housework that comes up while they are away, and just try to evenly split the work over the four days they are home? (E.g., each parent does 50% of the housework when both are home for 3-4 days)

 

[katrina2017]

@idontknow The traveling parent picks up more when they are home. Otherwise the 'home' parent is just being penalized for not traveling. They are doing 100% + 50% in that scenario, vs 100% + 30%.

 

[temesgen]

@katrina2017 Yep - I’m in this situation now being the non traveling parent. It isn’t fair, but the traveling parent can’t help much if they aren’t there.

 

[guani360]

@idontknow I travel for periods of times, but not regularly like weekly 3-4 overnights.

When I come home, I immediately give my husband a break. It sucks to come home like that and go right into parenting mode, but it sucks more to be the solo parent for that long.

 

[rockdrik]

@idontknow Is this a normal occurrence, like every week?

To me the at-home parent is entitled to, when the travelling spouse is home:
- A chance to work late or extra some days if desired with house/kiddos handled
- A chance to socialize with other adults, assuming the travelling parent gets more access to this while away.

I would try and keep the housework to the days when you're both around so it feels more balanced. Travelling parent should help with meal planning/prep to help the at home parent during the week.

While spouse is travelling, at home parent does bare minimum chores and focusses on their own work and kids.

 

[idontknow]

@rockdrik Yes, most weeks, like a consultant.
Unfortunately it's not possible to save housework for days when we are both around, because the travel is over 3-4 consecutive workdays.

 

[barjean]

@idontknow I would definitely figure out what you can outsource since your spouse is only home part-time. For example, have a housekeeper come weekly, explore a laundry service, explore meal kits or delivery, etc.

 

[reallysad]

@idontknow This is my exact situation. We have 3 girls (15, 8, 6) and I am pregnant with number. During the week, I do the typical day to day chores and on the weekend he does the cooking and cleaning during those times, as well as allow an opportunity for me to get a break. Even if it is a short nap.

 

[reallysad]

He also does the younger girls laundry when he is home.

 

[feargodonly]

@idontknow I am in general always of the opinion that it should be an overall 50/50 split and that both parents are entitled to breaks and down time and equal rates. How travelling counts as down time depends prbly on the type of work.

So my suggestion would be to try to figure out a split of chores by type rather than time. So can the travelling one do the online shopping, bills, whatever can be done remotely while the other one is doing more of the daily business? I guess it could be helpful to write everything down and then see a split that works for both. Likewise if you can, try to outsource something.

 

[sandraovercomer]

@idontknow My husband travelled a lot pre-COVID (like 50-75%) and honestly not much changed in regards to splitting the labor . I know that's partially my fault. He's now looking at a new job that will require up to 50%, so we will need to discuss this and find a better solution.

We already outsource lawn care, but I think he'll need to step it up when he is home. While we do the majority of the housework on the weekend anyway (cleaning, laundry), he's usually really tired and worn down when he gets home and I end up doing most of the parenting at least one day of the weekend.

 

[fredric777]

@idontknow I am the traveling parent, although it’s irregular. When home, esp. right before or after a trip, I try to take on more (additional daycare drop off/pick ups, will do all toddler appointments I can manage, fully catch up on laundry and will stock up on easy meal stuff and prep anything I can for the week). It’s still overwhelming for my husband to be solo, but we just make it work because we have to. This last trip he had to take time off because there was an exposure at daycare.