What do I do about having more kids? TL:DR questions at the bottom

[jackissaved]

*cross-post from r/AskParents

I am 31F and I have 1 biological daughter who is ~19m. I'm in a very loving relationship with her father/my husband. My plan ever since I was 16y was to be pregnant once and to adopt once. I want 3 kids, so since I had 1 baby with my 1 pregnancy, I would want to adopt twin boys. My husband is not onboard with adoption in the slightest. He only wants biological children. He humoured me and read somethings about adoption and took the requisite educational course, but it hasn't changed his mind one bit.

I don't want to be pregnant again. I hated it so very much, and I didn't even have any significant problems. To name just a few things: I hated how I looked, hated that I was always uncomfortable, my anxiety spiked like crazy with worries about my baby, and I cried hysterically when I could not stop fetal hiccups because I hated the sensation so much that I was punching my belly (NO harm came to my daughter from this). I don't want to go through labour again... it hurts, to put it lightly. I have a 60+ point list of all the reasons I hated pregnancy.

I also never wanted to add more to the population because the world is overcrowded and I care a lot about the environment & sustainability. With the 2 of us producing 1 baby, then the population is 'going down' in my mind. I want to adopt to be able to help a baby or babies find a loving home. My brother is severely autistic and I'm scared about having a child with disabilities that I won't be able to handle. I want to have a hysterectomy so that I'm not able to have more kids. My sex life with my husband is severely negatively affected because we can only use condoms and I'm extremely vigilant about not getting pregnant again.

We recently bought a larger home that would accommodate 2 more children, and it's hard to think that those 2 rooms might need a different purpose if we don't have any more kids (we already have a guest room). Talk of the future comes up with friends and family, but we have to be careful what we say so as not to upset each other.

We both want a large family, but can't agree on how we should go about it. Talking about it in any way just leads to both of us being sad, angry, and frustrated. It hurts so much that we can't agree because I love him so much and we have the same endgame.

TLR So, what do I do? Do I suck it up and get pregnant 1-2 more times even though it's against everything I want? Do I go forward with a hysterectomy and hope that will help convince my husband that we should adopt? Or do I accept that I'll never have the family I've always dreamt of and we both live with only having 1 child?

Advice, personal experience, anything. Please don't be too negative; this is tearing me up inside.

 

[joemzkie08]

@jackissaved Your request to adopt twin boys is very specific and worries me. You also mention wanting to adopt to help babies find a loving home, which makes me assume you want an infant adoption. People often end up waiting for years to adopt an infant.

I’d recommend speaking with an adoption counselor to get a realistic view of what adoption looks like, and attending therapy with your husband to talk through your different options.

 

[qody]

@jackissaved Nothing wrong with one child. You're no more a parent with 2+ kids than you are with one. You can also foster, be involved in their school and activities, etc.

If one partner is not 100% on board with adopting, you don't do it. If one is not 100% on board with a pregnancy, don't do it.

Echoing the concerns about "twins"/infant adoption, which tbh sound like a teenager's idea of what adoption is. (Also, why twins? Many siblings need fostering/adoption.)

This is a very heavy and in some senses extreme outlook, I would really suggest individual and couples therapy to sort out what to do.

 

[san76]

@jackissaved That really is a dilemma. I don’t think you need to cave and just get pregnant because it’s a huge undertaking, especially with how you’re feeling about it. Have you considered or talked to him about surrogacy? That would meet your criteria of no future pregnancies and his desire for biological children. There is also genetic testing that can be done when doing IVF to ensure that the embryo is healthy, which sounded like was another big concern of yours. Which ever road you choose, I hope you find a middle ground you’re both happy with

 

[rufus]

@jackissaved Why twin boys? No offense but you sound like a teenager daydreaming instead of the adult woman that you are. Nothing wrong with adopting but I think you should have real expectations and understand how the adopting process is like. That being said, you two should go to a couple therapist to help you work your differencies. You should both be on board with any decision that you make.

 

[eclipsewolfe]

@jackissaved I think your idea of a family is lovely. I often brought up fostering and not adding to the population. But, like yours, he was only interested in biological offspring. So we agreed oad. Of course, now that we have this amazing 3m old, DH thinks we should have another. But I think I'm OAD.

I still would love to foster in the future.

I don't think you should go through something as difficult as pregnancy again. I teach a couple of adopted students violin and cello, and they are the most amazing kids. It's so lovely to see them have this wonderful life that their adopted parents gave them. Years ago, I had this brilliant student who told me she was adopted and was actually a crack baby who went through withdrawal at birth. I would have never guessed that this smart, talented girl started kife at a disadvantage. And she was so grateful and loved her adopted mom so much.

I hope your husband can see the beauty in adoption. But there is that risk that he would treat them differently.

I have no real advice. Just a big hug, and I hope there is a way to find happiness in whatever family you create.

 

[annalisa]

@jackissaved He who has not a uterus and endures the pregnancy should shut the fuck up. That’s my motto.

 

[chosenremnant]

@jackissaved I doubt very much that doctors will give you a hysterectomy just for sterilisation. They'll be far more likely to give you a bilateral salpingectomy... That's if you can convince them. Unfortunately, doctors still very much seem to think that women don't know what they want and the medical profession knows better.