We already have four. Should I have another?

[sociology]

My husband and I are both 33. We have four girls— 10,8,6, and 1. We thought we were done but we just had a pregnancy scare that initially we were not happy but in the end both ended up disappointed it was a false alarm. We don’t want to try to a boy but a boy would be welcome. Four girls with a little brother? Adorable. Five sisters total? Adorable.

We own our home. 2800 sq ft, 1/2 acre, 4br 3 bath. The rooms are very large but there will definitely be room sharing. Moving could be in the cards but I really do love this house and would prefer not to. I SAH and my husband makes just over 100k/yr after tax. We live in a medium to medium-low COL area. We can fit another kid in my van. His truck is maxed out for seats if I want to ride too. Without me he could fit another child.

Give it to me straight, Reddit. Are we nuts? Should we have another?

 

[shirely]

@sociology If you want another, and can support another, then go for it. You seem to really enjoy having a large family, and you have the room for it, so why not?

Just make sure you aren't going to be one of those parents who expects the older children to tend to the younger children, kids need time to be kids.

 

[sociology]

@shirely We’ve already established we won’t be like that! If they want to earn babysitting money later we’ll consider it but we would never force child rearing on our kids

 

[greenleaf62]

@sociology I’ve heard advice to have the fewest number of children that you would be happy with. That really resonated with me. If you’re happy as is, that’s a sure bet. No need to risk it unless you’re dissatisfied with the current situation. And as others have mentioned, unless the other children are eager for a sibling, there’s a high probability another sibling detracts from at least one of their quality of life.

 

[xcvcvcggh]

@greenleaf62 I would have to agree with this and I’ve never really heard it put that way before, but it makes a lot of sense! I’m the 4th of 5 kids and was definitely very neglected growing up because my siblings were all high needs in their teens - one rebellious, one had a difficult breakup which led to depression, another had (and still has) a severe eating disorder that led to outpatient therapy and homeschooling... so needless to say, no one really spent any time with me or came to any of my track meets, etc because they were so caught up with everyone else’s needs. At the time it didn’t bother me because that’s just how things were, but looking back I wouldn’t want my kid to feel that way.

It might be fun when they’re all kids, but when they start growing up and have more emotional needs, there’s only so much of you to go around.

 

[sociology]

@greenleaf62 That’s really solid advice! Thank you!!

 

[katrina2017]

@sociology It seems like it will bring you all more joy. I feel like that tells you something important.

 

[fayemarie91]

@sociology I feel like after three, they all just blur together, right? That’s how I imagine it. What’s another one, really? If someone was asking if they should go from one to two or two to three, I always say no. But you’ve done the tough adjustments already.

 

[katrina2017]

@sociology Only because you asked, and you asked for it straight: no.

 

[sociology]

@katrina2017 Would you mind explaining why not? I’d really appreciate your thoughts

 

[katrina2017]

@sociology Four kids is a lot: a lot in one house, a lot for two parents, a lot of money, a lot of emotional and physical needs to be met, more people on a crowded planet. Five kids is more than four.

Your post seemed really logistical; almost a feasibility study on a 5th. Not much about how it may impact your existing kids by dividing up your time/resources, and nothing about why about a fifth kid you hope to experience. A child is a person who will have a life that will also consume resources which have an impact on the world, and maybe their own children. And you’ve already created 4 others.

We are living in really uncertain times, in which having many kids may be a liability (or not) - what’s your plan if your husband loses his income? Are you planning to help your kids pay for their education? What if your 5th kid has special needs like autism or something requiring additional care?

I think you should consider why you want to have a fifth child, now that you’ve established that is logistically feasible. Do you miss having a baby to care for? Cute toddler years? Being pregnant? Religious reasons? I guess what seems to be lacking is a clear motivation from you for having a fifth child beyond the fact that it is logistically possible. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

 

[sociology]

@katrina2017 Thank you. That’s actually really helpful. That’s a lot to think about. I really do need to take stock of what’s motivating me. I had to take a minute to process this comment. Every age my kids hit, I think, this is it. This is my favorite age. but as of this moment I think my motivation is mostly I want another little baby to love on. Logistically we’d be okay, and I know my kids would be okay. But wanting a baby for the sake of having a baby, even knowing how much I love each age as they get older. Not enough.

Thank you for elaborating.

 

[katrina2017]

@sociology I have four with a fifth on the way and am five years younger than you, so obviously I really support big families. We live on a farm and my husband drives an extended cab truck too. With that intro — here are some things to consider.
1. Do you have a support network? My mom, mother in law, and sister are all just up the road. A nice lady lives on our place too and helps out. You can’t do five kids on your own. Your oldest daughter is going to carry the burden if there is nobody else. That’s just reality.
2. Are you saving for college? I’m from a really conservative part of the country where people still say girls don’t need college, but you want each of your kids to be able to go to school if that’s what they want.
3. Does your husband have good life insurance and disability insurance? It’s scary but it happens. And if something happened to you he’d need enough life insurance on you to work less and pay for full time childcare.
4. Are you saving for retirement? Our place is paid for and my husband owns his own business, but he still puts back 1/5 of what we make into other things so we can have something if his business fails.
Sorry to be a downer, but those are important questions.
We don’t really plan or try to space our kids, but it sounds like you do. If you do have another, and you are okay morally with birth control, I would do something permanent to make sure you don’t have a sixth as an oops. You still have a lot of years of fertility left. Maybe a vasectomy?

 

[mephibosheth391]

@sociology I'm also the youngest of five. I honestly wouldn't recommend it. If you stop now, I doubt that your existing children will miss the siblings they never had, which begs the question, 'Why have another?' Some people might also bring up potential Down's syndrome etc, but I think these conditions are pretty unlikely. But expenses such as orthodontists, or spectacles and optometrist appointments, or adjusting for food allergies - these are fairly common occurrences. Can you cope, and if you lose your income source via job loss or divorce? (I'm not at all suggesting that you will, only that it happens to many families.)

Having another child is great while things are good, but it is really, really tough when the chips are down.

 

[fuchsia]

@sociology For me, I would not thrive with 5...but your post was overall positive and open to it. With the age split for your kids, id say one more would work fine if you both decided it was best for your family. The eldest three are a cluster and then if you had one more, the one year old and new child would be their own cluster. Do what you think would work and benefit your family. Taking everything you said into consideration, I think going for it would probably end up fine! Good luck!!

 

[katrina2017]

@sociology Only if you’re ok with 2 more as it’s possible you could have twins

 

[jsargent]

@sociology I fail to see the cons in your message, only pros! That's telling something. Since it wasn't part of your initial plan, maybe wait a little and see if the desire wears off?

 

[breezyberlin]

@sociology Do you WANT another? Do you want to raise another from infancy to adulthood? While it sounds like you’re in a good place financially, I’d be careful. If the economy goes tits up and one of you loses your job, can you all survive on one income? If so, for how long? As you know, with each additional kid expenses keep rising.

In short, have another if you WANT another AND if you’re extremely confident that you’ll be fine if something unexpected comes your way.

 

[jazzyd777]

@sociology Honestly, I’m going to say no because of global overpopulation. We all have to do our part. Even if you live a fairy low-impact life now, your 4 kids will grow up and start new families of their own; there’ll be 4 more people driving cars, 4 houses, 4 entire families eating meat and using resources... if each of your 4 kids has only 3 kids, that’s already 16 new people you’ve brought into the world. Following that trend you’ll have 36 great-grandchildren. Willingly adding a 5th is irresponsible given the state of the world.

 

[lord07covenantsgc]

@jazzyd777 100% agree. Completely irresponsible to have 4 or 5 children in this day and age. I'd suggest watching David Attenborough's latest TV show which should answer your question whether to have a 5th child or not.