Visitors immediately post c-section

[carolyn1520]

@cbmiller I had a standard vaginal birth with no issues, just a long induction to get there and I didn't have any visitors during my hospital stay, except for my partner (he was able to stay at the hospital with me).

And I was glad it was like that. I was feeling good, considering the circumstances, but we had some issues with breastfeeding, jaundice, weight loss ... and it took a toll and was a stressful experience.

Having visitors would have just cost me energy and reduced the little time for naps that I had.

I would do it like that all over again if I have a second, except for having the sibling visit.

 

[dece870717]

@cbmiller You will be healing from a majority surgery and will be in a very vulnerable position. I never felt more vulnerable than after my c-section. You need to feel safe and your husband's top priority should be you and the baby, not his mom.

 

[veryconfused]

@cbmiller Apart from all of the “stuff” with your partner, could you call your mother in law and have a conversation with her directly and see what you can work out?

 

[lele123]

@cbmiller You said he jumps to her defense and says she’s “just trying to help” and I wanted to note that “trying to help” and “helping” are not the same thing.

Help is only considered help if the recipient finds the action helpful.

If I bake cookies for someone but they hate cookies, I didn’t help them (even if my intent was good, and I didn’t know they hated cookies!). If someone asked me not to rearrange their kitchen, but I decided to do so anyway, I didn’t help them, I just did what I wanted to do under the guise of “helping”.

It’s not okay to ignore someone’s wishes and cross their boundaries, and then justify that our behavior was warranted because our intent was good.

You might read the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and hope he’s willing to read it with you. If I’m playing armchair psychologist, I wonder if he’s grown up learning that mom’s emotional needs override anyone else’s boundaries, and he’s never paused to realize that this isn’t okay.

 

[cbmiller]

@lele123 I think it’s more, it’s constant can I come round and do anything? Partner says you aren’t well, can I help with anything? Do you need any chores doing? Think of me as a fairy godmother. I said to my partner I think we should get a cleaner and his first answer is, should I get mum round to help! He’s a massive mummies boy and I like my space. So post baby arrival, I’m just dreading her being round all the time “helping.” And it’s where I will find it difficult to manage those boundaries.

 

[lele123]

@cbmiller Well, these are all still boundaries. Boundaries apply to your physical space, who you spend time with, who you invite into your home.

If she’s offering to be your fairy godmother, I wonder if you could put her to work doings outside of your home so you feel less smothered.

Could you ask her to cook some meals (at her house!) that she can drop on your porch for you to freeze and re-heat another day? Can she take your car for a car wash and vacuum, or run any other errands for you? Does she have any hobbies you can take advantage of, like asking her to quilt or knit a blanket for your baby?

Usually I think it’s the partner’s job to manage boundaries with their parents, but because he sounds unwilling to do that, you might want to have a conversation with her yourself. You can express that you are grateful for her help and that you need physical space after the birth. Hopefully, as a woman who gave birth herself, she will understand that you aren’t up for an audience immediately post-surgery and that you’ll let her know when you feel comfortable with a visit.

 

[panzerkamfwagen]

@cbmiller I don’t think most men are aware of what childbirth and postpartum are really like until it happens. My husband wanted to have visitors too, and when I told him what it was going to be like, he said I was exaggerating.

A full sleepless 24 hours of labor followed by an emergency c-section and a NICU visit, and he realized he was wrong. I couldn’t get up on my own, I peed and bled on the floor every time I got out of bed for the first day, I was so tired I could barely stay awake, my boobs were out every hour and a half, the nurse was in regularly to do fundal massages and look at my incision, the lactation consultant visiting, I kept getting sweaty and taking all my clothes off, and I was releasing gas like an air compressor. It was FULLY about my body being literally on display for medical professionals near constantly for 3 days.

 

[emanuele]

@cbmiller Come up with a compromise- let her come to the hospital after you have your golden hour with baby if he agrees that she won’t come to the house for the first few days when you are discharged. Let nurses know in advance to kick her out after an hour.

 

[digitalwilderness]

@emanuele I don’t think there should be compromises around how someone handles recovering from major adnominal surgery

 

[emanuele]

@digitalwilderness I also had a c-section and have an acrimonious relationship with my mil. Like can’t wait til she croaks kind of loathing.

For me, this compromise worked great because it ensured I wouldn’t have to have her at my house while recovering. At least at the hospital nurses could shoo her away and her time there is limited.

And also, marriage is full of compromises. As much as it sucks, it is still OP’s husband’s mother. This child is just as much his as it is hers and he has the right to introduce his child to his mother.

 

[cbmiller]

@emanuele We aren’t married

 

[emanuele]

@cbmiller Well, you’re in a “partnership” that’s apparently strong enough to have a baby, so I assume that compromises are an important part of maintaining your “partnership” - anyway just giving my thoughts. Just like all the other internet strangers you’re asking for input from, feel free to disregard.

 

[cbmiller]

@emanuele Oh not at all, I agree we should compromise. Just we aren’t married and baby also wasn’t planned but it just feel like I get that it’s not all about you thrown in my face, but then he wants it all his way. It’s exactly not how to compromise.

 

[emanuele]

@cbmiller Gotcha! Yeah that sounds so frustrating. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. My mil was a huge source of anxiety for me, especially the last few weeks of my pregnancy.

 

[digitalwilderness]

@emanuele This is where we disagree. No one has a right to a child. If you disrespect the mother of a child, don’t expect a good relationship with the child either.

 

[emanuele]

@digitalwilderness I agree that nobody has a right to a child except the parents. I’m saying if it is important to the child’s father, then the mother should consider a compromise. I shared the compromise that worked for my family, despite the awful relationship I have with my mil. In my opinion, there can never be too many people who love a child. Boundaries are the key.

 

[evilgriff]

@emanuele All you wrote sounds reasonable until the sentence “This child is just as much his as it is hers and….” Uh, wtf? She already had her round of babies. She’s been there and done that. Now move over and make way for others to have their turn. The baby is NOT HERS. Her son can introduce the baby at the BABY’S MOTHER’S terms, not the father and definitely not the father’s mother. His pouting and sulking just show how much he is not going to be a supportive partner, and for that alone, he can go shove it up himself and go back to his mama.

Uh I’m so mad. My husband loves his mother dearly but would never cross this type of boundaries with me. The consequences will be very clear.