Too affectionate with toddler?

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bellzybee

New member
Was taking to my husband today about how friends of ours like being around us/our toddler (20 months) because he’s affectionate. Their kiddo largely isn’t, but becomes more affectionate when we’re around (e.g., gives a hug if asked if they want to; spontaneously offers hugs/kisses to parents - neither of these happen otherwise). Our kiddo is pretty affectionate - likes to sit in your lap if reading, will spontaneously hug, gives kisses if asked.

My husband made a comment that I “insist” on affection. And I’m now totally in my head about it. Im also stuck on a comment my parents made about me when I was 10 and had a younger (2 year old) sibling - that I kissed them too much.

With my kiddo, I definitely give kisses when we’re playing. If they come sit in my lap, I kiss the top of their head. If I pick them up, I might give a kiss. If we’re getting dressed and they’re fussing, I’ll kiss their little hands and feet to make them giggle. I might tickle and then give a kiss. If they’re hurt, I’ll ask “do you need a hug and a kiss?” I ALWAYS stop if my toddler says no. I will ask for a hug or kiss but if my toddler says no, I never force it or cajole or guilt my kiddo (I just say “okay! Maybe later!” And move on). I do ask them if they want to give so-and-so a hug or kiss (mostly my parents, who live across the country, so it’s by phone).

Is it possible to kiss/hug your kiddo too much? I’m totally in my head about this now.
 
@bellzybee When I read your post, I was reminded of an old study that found that within an attachment relationship there was 3 categories of caregivers, ones that were not very engaged/attentive, ones that were good enough (good outcomes) and then a small group of exceptionally affectionate caregivers whose children had the best outcomes. I can’t find it now, which is annoying, but I did find this instead: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3118641/
Which says that more affectionate mothers have adult children with lower emotional distress.
 
@uknowheknows I came here to say this! I read this information somewhere in a La Leche League book, that children of “exceptionally affectionate” mothers were the most emotionally regulated, independent, and formed the healthiest attachments in their relationships when they were studied again as adults
 
@bellzybee I'm similar with my daughter, 19.5 months. I kiss her head and cheeks all the time while we play, or I'll kiss her hands or toes when I tickle her or if she shows me a boo-boo. She's definitely in that toddler phase of answering "no" to everything (except for nursing or fruit snacks 😂) but if we're playing or tickling and she says no, I immediately pull back and say "okay I'll stop."
 
@bellzybee What you describe sounds like perfectly normal and healthy affection. I am not a physically affectionate person myself, rarely touch other people besides my spouse, pretty much just the occasional hug for parents or best friends during greeting or parting. I am very affectionate with my almost 2-yr old. Pretty much everything you listed. I’m always kissing her, like the top of her head when she sits in my lap, and hugging, or holding hands, or stroking her arm with my fingers if we’re cuddling. I can’t get enough honestly, lol. I am very careful to respect her bodily autonomy and boundaries, as I think that’s super important as she grows up, and sounds like you are respecting that as well. Based on what you described I would not be concerned, but you may want to discuss it with your husband to get his perspective. Maybe he doesn’t show affection the same way, or maybe he doesn’t see (or recognize) the times you do hold back to respect boundaries. He probably didn’t mean much by it, but I t would be good to let him know that his comment stressed you out and get to the root of it.
 
@milaj I'm kind of like you. I hate most physical contact, except with my husband and 4 month old daughter. I always reach for him in some way every time I pass him in the house.

But my daughter? Holding her is my favorite. We are doing a contact nap right now and it will probably last an hour. I'm always rubbing noses, or kissing her head, or nomming her hands and feet. During floor time I'll rub her head or pat her booty during tummy time. I love reading and singing. Sometimes she just wants to play on her gym and I respect that. But otherwise... I need all the snuggles
 
@bellzybee You can never show your child too much love. When they grow up and get out in the world, true love will be hard to come by. They'll always feel safe and secure with you.
 
@bellzybee look ...if your descriptions are accurate...I kiss my toddler (also 20 months) wayyyyy more then you lol like a lot more and I definitely smother him with kisses and hugs and love. (Can't spell smother without mother 😄)

But I am happy and so is he. We have a great relationship. What more could matter.
 
@bellzybee I’ve worried about this as well so this thread is so super welcomed. I read every reply. I am very affectionate with my toddler and he is very confident and caring. His daycare teachers call him “Mr Empathy” because he will ask teachers and students “how are you feeling?” With genuine concern especially if they seem out of sorts or tired. My husband and I do enforce a strict policy that if he says stop or no we stop any rough housing or affection. He’s only ever asked for less rough housing and only a couple times now that I think about it. But he knows stop means stop and that goes for us too.

Blessed with such a good kid. 🫶🏻
 
@bellzybee You can’t be too affectionate IMO as long as the person getting it is cool with it.

Sounds like they themselves may not be affectionate. My toddler is also a kissey, love bug. I hope she runs off on others this way. ❤️
 
@bellzybee I naturally kiss and snuggle my kiddos any time I am near them. It's just how I react to being near them. My nearly 1 year old leans her head into my face when I hold her because I always kiss her face and head and nuzzle snuggle her. I tell them they are beautiful and that I love them constantly and shower them in all the affections - they're just irresistibly adorable to me.

But same as you OP, I always stop if they seem even mildly like they don't want the affection or if they say no or move away. Seeing as they are mostly just legging it around the place it's only a few times a day that they wander over for some affection.

I read once that 'overly affectionate' mothers usually raise successful children or something. Looks like some people have linked to it in other comments. I think as long as you're respectful of boundaries and teach that they can say stop then you're fine. Some people are just very physically affectionate :)
 
@bellzybee My toddler (25m) is forever sitting in my lap, asking to be in the "backpack" (our SSC), her brothers and I are always hugging her (I'm teaching my older 2, specifically the 8yo to read body cues) and I'm always kissing the top of her head when we snuggle. My 8yo is pretty much my shadow, and he loves mama snuggles.

I think you're doing wonderful and your babes is so loved
 
@bellzybee I’m a “kissy” mom too. I have two daughters. One is very affectionate with everyone and the other needs her space and I’m lucky if I get a kiss on any given day. I think we have a lot less control over these things than we think we do.
 
@bellzybee Awww… I feel you described me in your post. I’m exactly same. And to be honest, I kiss my 18.5 months 26827363885 times a day. Whenever I see her and her little cheeks and hands and feet I couldn’t resist. If she ever pushed away, I’d always stop.

But unlike your post, my husband never said that to me. I think it’s an absurd thing to say. Kids are kids. If they don’t like to be kissed or hugged or touched, oh boy, they will let you know. You can’t possible insist on those things at that age (if you’re a sensible parent).

When kids are not as affectionate, it also not entirely from the parents. Some kids prefer to have their space and show love different way.

My kid would hug randomly and give kisses to her dolls, books, her bobos, etc. but when she doesn’t want it and we try to hug her, she just…runs away or pushes you out, she makes sure I know she doesn’t like it.

Don’t let those comments get in your head. You love the way you love. Another few years, we probably can give them a kiss only when they sleep..
 
@bellzybee I’m always kissing mg 12m old. If he doesn’t want it, i don’t do it. But he always giggles when I do. And he offers me kisses all the time. It’s okay to be affectionate as long as it’s welcomed
 
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