Toddler + Newborn + ?

[exodus02]

Long story short, my husband and I have a 2 month old and 14 month old and have been doing well with the support of visiting family members. We initially imagined having 2-4 kids, but did not have our first until about 8 years of marriage due to focus on education/career. Both babies were unplanned but welcome (we seem to be the few for whom one birth control failure always equals conception).

It looks like I may be pregnant again (missed period, super faint positive test, etc.,) and we should know soon if it’s a false alarm or not, but I’m looking for advice in the case that we have 3 under 3.

We love being parents to our son and daughter, but my births were both somewhat complicated (37 week birth and meningitis for my son, 35 week birth for my daughter), and after I had a life threatening secondary postpartum hemorrhage a month and a half ago, we were planning on not having any more biological kids.

Needless to say, a third pregnancy and baby in 3 years would be a huge challenge. I guess I’m just looking for advice from anyone who has been through similar experiences (e.g., unplanned back-to-back pregnancies, parenting 3 little ones).

 

[morehumble]

@exodus02 I got pregnant with my second when my first was only a few months old. I had two under two, and while it was initially tough - you learn to adapt. Unsure of how much things vary with three under three, but I think it gets a bit easier with each child. You are more confident, you have systems in place, you know what works for you, growth is less eventful knowimg whats normal and whats not, and siblings can be great helpers (even if just a playtime buddy). My first two are very close not just in age but friend wise.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough go with your pregnancies so far. My last was awful to the point where I'd said if I had this baby first I may not have had more! Thankfully each pregnancy is different, so there's always hope. The more prepared you are the easier it will be even if it does turn out to be a sour pregnancy. Hopefully you can find an experienced care provider or can return to the same one as you had before. Past knowledge in care is valuable.

 

[exodus02]

@morehumble Thanks for your kind words! I definitely feel more prepared with my second child, so even though she’s a more challenging newborn than my first (which is just because my first was unusually chill for the first few months), I feel better equipped to handle things. I’m sure the same is true as more kids are added: difficulty level increases, but so does competence.

 

[marke2]

@exodus02 I had 3 under 3 with my oldest three for about nine weeks (I have six now). Not going to lie, it was the hardest parenting we did. Even with relatively smooth pregnancies and births, having three toddlers is really hard.

At the time, I was teaching in a trade school very part time (4-8 hours a week, not during regular working hours), and my husband was still in school (rabbinical school, with long hours).

Routines and pre-planning are very important. 3 under 3 is when I started menu planning every Thursday night for the week ahead, and established a weekly routine of going out (kids went to grandparents/great-grandparents on Sunday mornings when I taught, I took them to the public library Thursday night, we all went to my husband's parents Saturday afternoon) because otherwise I never got out of the apartment except for work.

Also, find something for yourself. A hobby of some sort that can include kids if necessary, and doesn't require tons of cleanup - I started developing my photography from a hobby to a possible income by practicing on my kids, and also got into scrapbooking digitally.

This is going back six years now, a little hard to remember, but if you have a specific question it will probably trigger a memory, so feel free to ask.

 

[exodus02]

@marke2 Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I am very much a schedule person, so the idea of having set activities each week as well as time-saving practices like meal prep makes so much sense.

 

[iferexo]

@exodus02 I had 3 under 2 briefly when my twins were born, and then they were 3 under 3 for the next year. I’ve now got 4. Eldest is 4.5, twins are 2.5 and baby is newborn.

My experience with 3 under 3 is very specific to having twins. Please keep that in mind. Intentional time with the oldest was critical and I definitely goofed that up in the very beginning. But, once recognized, it was easy enough to correct. That made the single biggest difference in our house. Next is that you figure out what works best for you, and to heck with everyone else. With this is a realization that lots of days are survival, especially in the beginning, and the thrive days are few and far between. Somewhere along the line, it switches to more thrive days than survive days.

I don’t have a lot of great concrete memories of my twins’ early days because I was so exhausted. I can’t begin to describe the exhaustion, so I won’t, needless to say, I know they were newborns but I don’t have the same memories with them that I do with my eldest.

You know how they say every pregnancy is different for each woman? Well, I anticipated at least hypertension as a complication with my 4th. I figured I’d deliver between 37-38 weeks, at the latest. I had my eldest at 37.5 weeks due to hypertension. My twins came at 35+3 because of outright pre e plus a side of gestational diabetes. Number 4? She hung out until 39+4. Other than a transverse lie even at the bitter end, no complications. So, don’t necessarily assume that just because the others came early that this one will too. Also, don’t assume that some random stranger’s experience with a 3rd pregnancy is typical too.

It’s a juggle but not impossible. And like most things life related, you just kinda figure it out. If what you’ve tried one way doesn’t work, try something else.

Good luck and I wish you a healthy, boring pregnancy.

 

[exodus02]

@iferexo Thank you for sharing your insights and experience! It’s helpful to remember the very true statement that every pregnancy can be so different! One of the silver linings of the survive-thrive ratio with having a newborn and one-year-old at the moment is that we haven’t transitioned fully out of first-year survival mode, so it’s not as much as a jarring shift as having babies further apart. I’m sure that your experience with newborn twins and a toddler was uniquely challenging (I’m a twin myself so apologies on behalf of my people haha), but it’s good to hear that you made it work for your family. Thanks for the support and reassurance!

 

[jesuscansaveu]

@exodus02 I don’t have any advice on the unplanned part, though all three of my children were conceived more easily than expected. But I have some experience with three under three (and three under two). My sons are 21 months younger than their sister. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember much of their first year and I think accepting that this can happen is important. It really is just about survival for the first year.

We focused on making sure I had easy access to snacks while I was breastfeeding and that our daughter has snacks that were easy too. We had a cleaner fortnightly, which was a lifesaver. We used formula when needed, because twins, and to be kind to me. I say we because my husband was 100% there while he was home. We are a total team until our kiddos are asleep.

Our daughter started daycare two days per week right before our sons were born, having her there gave me time to bond with the boys. And now with my sons they’re in daycare with their sister two days per week.

We got a zoo membership and I use it all the time. It’s so nice just walking them through, plus our zoo has amazing playgrounds. We also say yes to any reasonable offer for help. Other than that you’ll get through it because you have to.

 

[ehr]

@jesuscansaveu Spot on, all of this. Had a beautiful daughter and then twins 15 months later. I remember no major events from the following year.

They're in high school now, and I can say that having them close together is a great blessing. For one thing, they are close friends with each other, and so they support one another in ways that they couldn't if they were farther apart in age. They share at least some extracurriculars, and that makes logistics much easier (still need a phone tree and help from other parents etc.!). Just being DONE with all the baby crap, literally and figuratively, in 4 years instead of ten!

So, yeah, all of that, especially the bits about seeking support--rather than day care, we traded time with other young families; we paid for help with cleaning, all that. Seek activities you can do with them, out of the house, for just an hour or two at a time. Yes, you'll take almost that much time getting ready to go, but it's worth it, especially when one parent can take them all.

You got this. The hard work and worry pays off.

 

[exodus02]

@ehr Thanks so much for your kind words and advice! I agree that it can be challenging to motivate oneself to get out of the house with multiple young ones, but definitely worth it to maintain sanity! I completely get the part about having siblings close in age, I hope my kids will be extra close because of that.

 

[exodus02]

@jesuscansaveu I love to hear this! My husband and I are also a team at home with our little ones (he works nights from home, and I work part-time from home on a flexible basis). We're definitely big on formula (lost my supply for second, never came in for first). We'll have to figure out the daycare part soon. In my area the waiting lists for most are endless, and many are out of our budget because of our debt to income ratio, but we'll definitely need the help if I'm ever going to be able to go back to full-time work. We are super lucky to have an amazing zoo in our neighborhood (walking distance!) so we'll be taking advantage for sure. Thank you so much for your supportive comments and advice!

 

[jesuscansaveu]

@exodus02 Good luck with everything. It sounds like you’ve got a good starting point. You’ve got this.