Tips for preparing our 3.5 y/o for new baby?

[ggirl1986]

@glowfood Maybe this worked for me because my kid was relatively sheltered, but I have the same age gap as you.

I didn't tell him about the impending sibling until we were 5 months in and had determined the sex. He was oblivious to the belly until then.

Saying "you're going to have a little sister and her name is [name]" seemed much easier on him, emotionally, than "you're going to have a sibling and that's all we know for now." I know sex shouldn't matter so much in the grand scheme of things, but it does still seem to matter to little kids in current culture. I'd heard from friends how they instantly hated their little sister because they'd wanted a brother or vice versa and figured I'd head those feelings off at the pass.

Once the baby was here, I tried my absolute hardest to not let it change things for my oldest. I dragged baby everywhere, trained her to nap in the stroller, learned to nurse standing up, played soccer with my oldest while the baby napped in a carrier on my chest, you name it. On the occasions that I really couldn't do something with my oldest because of the baby, I made sure to never say "I can't because I'm feeding your sister," I used very neutral language like "my hands are busy right now but I can help you with that in a few minutes."

My oldest (now 10) has always been over the moon for his sister and I give myself a fair bit of credit for their smooth relationship.

 

[elizabeda777]

@glowfood Just a quick comment - I had a caesarean first time around, so I prepared my daughter on third trimester that sometimes I just couldn’t carry her. I stopped carrying her on the stairs, or longer trips. I didn’t blame the baby, just that I couldn’t, or it was sore, or I wasn’t able to. Then we had a second caesarean and it was very easy to keep not carrying her because “I have a sore tummy so I’m not allowed to carry you right yet”. But I would crouch down for a cuddle whenever she wanted!! She kept asking me if my tummy was feeling better, and it was great being able to carry her again! But it was also really helpful that she knew sometimes I wouldn’t carry her, even if she wanted me to!

That, and books that talk about the bad things too. Crying, spills. We had one (that I’ve passed on so don’t remember the name sorry) that said “if mummy and daddy are busy, know that they love you too”. Which is very heteronormative, so I hope there are other options too

 

[elizabeda777]

I agree with someone else about not having the baby in your arms when the siblings meet. We also got a present from our oldest to the baby (that she chose at the shop, and we kept talking about giving to baby), and “baby” bought her something too

 

[rae29]

@glowfood Talk about the baby often. If you have a name picked out, use it already.

Ask what the 3yo will give the baby when they get here, and what will the baby bring? And you can buy it as a present from the baby.

We bought a few books about being a new sibling. Berenstain Bears, Little Critter, Daniel Tiger.

When my daughter was born, no one was allowed in the hospital, so we went home when my son was at daycare. My fiancé and I went to get him without the baby. (My mom was watching the baby) We hugged and had a little time with just us. When we got home, the baby was in the bassinet. No one was holding her, so he didn't get jealous. We told him to go get her present! And he got excited. He's been wonderful since.

If they're going to the hospital, I suggest doing the same. A little one on one time, and then go look at the baby together.

 

[continualseeker]

@glowfood Try to avoid situations were multiple adults are all standing around gawking at the new baby and totally ignoring the preschooler. Try to get at least one adult to be giving the preschooler attention. Typically, a baby does not need the attention of more than one adult at a time.

The arrival of a newborn is a good time for your spouse to bond more with the preschooler by filling the attention gap.

Also, even one adult who is alone and tending to a baby can usually give the preschooler some attention. Prompt the preschooler to do something kind and/or helpful like get a diaper or the wipes and praise him when he does it. Or just prompt him to dance or something and give that attention.

Here's a video on effective praise of desirable behaviors that will ramp them up in frequency so that they replace or crowd out undesirable behaviors.

 

[deseret]

@continualseeker Thank you for sharing the video of the Yale lesson. I wonder what the best science-based parenting courses are

 

[continualseeker]

@deseret That video is from this free course. This is a version of the most effective parent training for behavior problems according to randomized controlled trials. So it is among best for solving or preventing behavior problems.

The top rated parenting programs in these two lists are a comprehensive set of the best science-based parenting programs as far as I know:

https://www.cebc4cw.org/topic/parent-training-programs-behavior-problems/

https://www.cebc4cw.org/topic/disruptive-behavior-treatment-child-adolescent/

You may find in-person parenting courses in some of those programs near you. The free course I linked above has been proven effective as part of research on PSST.

Here is a free version of PCIT: https://www.pocketpcit.com/

You might find a free local Incredible Years training course.

The Incredible Years parenting book covers much more than behavior problems and I think it is the best science-based parenting book. But I think that sometimes a course focused on behavior problems can be important if you are plagued by those since a focused course may be a more reliable problem-solver for you.

 

[deseret]

@continualseeker These seem like great resources. I made another post to discuss.

Are they still appropriate for generally well-behaved children/parents, or are there more appropriate courses?

 

[continualseeker]

@deseret Incredible Years is a good general parenting book.

From the Yale course intro page: "Chances are your parenting is perfectly fine and working the way you would like. But if you have any frustrations with your child or would like improve your effectiveness in changing your child’s behavior, these videos will be a very useful guide."

The PCIT course intro page says: "This resource is based on Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, an evidence-based treatment for children with disruptive behaviors. This online parenting program provides lots of tips for how to improve your relationship with your child and improve your child's behavior. Pick the strategies that will work best for your family and start practicing these new skills today!"

 

[chanson]

@glowfood One of the best things we did was communicate how the new baby was not going to pop out as full grown playmate. We spent a lot of time describing how we would care for a baby, where the baby might lay down, play and generally be with us in the house. These were all small exercises to help the new big sibling imagine life with the baby. When possible we tried to point out examples in real life, “That baby is going to be like our baby. Look how tiny. They are so happy to be with their mama and siblings.”

Another very helpful way to talk about the new baby is to talk about when the sibling was a baby. Both my older kids LOVED to hear about when they were little babies. Telling them all about the small details. They always seemed to internalize these stories much better and once the baby did arrive, they were eager to show or teach the baby how to be part of our family.

 

[bookerdewitt]

@glowfood Talk to them, talk to them, talk to them. Our daughter was under 2 when we told her she was going to be a big sister. We kept telling her that there was a baby in mommy’s belly and that she was going to have a sister. Our OB told us she would never understand but she absolutely did. Do not underestimate the power of just talking to kids. Even if you think they won’t get it, they probably do more than you think.

 

[hoohkostwon]

@glowfood Little kids love some degree of responsibility. They want to feel independent and important.

We talked alot and still do about how the big sibling is going to show the baby all the cool things and how the baby is going to think they are so awesome. She's her biggest teacher.

 

[truebodhisattva]

@glowfood Ours turned 4 the same week our second was born.

I had a lot of different books recommended but the Sears Children’s Library “Baby on the Way” book was probably the best as far as introducing the concept to our firstborn (they have a follow up for when baby arrives as well), it’s not perfect but it had more detail than other suggestions I’ve received.

We did the gift from the baby trick and called him “our baby”.

Our first is a bit of a whirlwind so we weren’t sure what to expect but he’s a very loving brother. We do need to reign him in a bit because he thinks he’s in charge.

 

[agustinus555]

@glowfood I think you've gotten a ton of great answers about talking, setting realistic expectations, and including the older kiddo, so I'll steer in a slightly different direction. When baby comes, be on the lookout for really... special or important moments between you and your older child. Tests, almost.

Here are the two standout moments I remember best. My son was 3 years 3 months old when my daughter was born, and we had just come home from the hospital the day before. Me holding baby, my husband, my mom, and my son were all hanging out in the living room when my son went to the bookshelf and picked a book. He walked past his Dada and his Gigi, right up to me and asked me to read it to him. Dada and Gigi both happily offered to read with him immediately, but he just looked back at me and quietly said that he wanted Mama to read it. I can still see the complete vulnerability in his sweet little face; he needed to know that I would still make time and space for him, would still love and care for him. Of course, I shifted the sleeping newborn and read him the book, and that really seemed to help him.

The other moment was a complete contrast. A few weeks into newborn care, and it was just me and the two little ones at home. My son was supposed to be in his room for his nap, but he kept coming out; meanwhile I was on the couch trying to nurse the baby to sleep for her nap. For the third or fourth time, I told my son he needed to go back to his room, but this time he smirked at me and stayed at the far side of the couch, out of reach.

"He thinks I won't get up," I realized abruptly. "He thinks he can defy me because I won't want to wake the baby!" And so I popped off that couch with the baby still nursing, and the look of wide-eyed shock on his face was unforgettable. Yeah, I woke the baby, and yeah, that nap was kinda ruined for her; but my son learned that I wasn't going to be a pushover just because there was a baby in the family, and that helped him in an entirely different way.

My kids are 4 and 7 now and they are great friends and play so well together. Best of luck to you, OP, as your family goes through this transition

 

[sabresong]

@glowfood This is a really minor thing, but I got my daughter who was 2-2.5 some toys in the Little People Babies set and I think it helped her understand what we'd need to do to take care of a baby.

I kept her in pre-school while I was on leave so she had a solid schedule and we tried to focus our evenings a bit more on her than on the baby. It could be good to get him out of the house to something in a school-like routine (like camp) to avoid having two huge transitions at the same time. Otherwise, it might feel like his life is being disrupted because of the baby. And I don't understand how people manage to care for a newborn a 3yo at the same time!

I know a lot of people will do the thing where you say to the baby "I'm helping sister now, so you'll have to wait," etc because they do the same with helping the baby, but instead I tried to avoid "blaming" the baby and that worked really well IMO. Especially because I was in the hospital for a month before the birth so we didn't even tell her that I was in the hospital because of the baby. Carried that further as much as possible with stuff like "I can play with you right after dinner" instead of specifically saying "I can't play with you now because I'm putting the baby to sleep."

 

[landeigestapo]

@glowfood What everyone else is saying. But just remember to tell your kid that their sibling is there to stay. The baby is going to live with you guys for good. You're not handing it back. That is obvious to you, but not to a small child.