Tips for preparing our 3.5 y/o for new baby?

[ggirl1986]

@glowfood Maybe this worked for me because my kid was relatively sheltered, but I have the same age gap as you.

I didn't tell him about the impending sibling until we were 5 months in and had determined the sex. He was oblivious to the belly until then.

Saying "you're going to have a little sister and her name is [name]" seemed much easier on him, emotionally, than "you're going to have a sibling and that's all we know for now." I know sex shouldn't matter so much in the grand scheme of things, but it does still seem to matter to little kids in current culture. I'd heard from friends how they instantly hated their little sister because they'd wanted a brother or vice versa and figured I'd head those feelings off at the pass.

Once the baby was here, I tried my absolute hardest to not let it change things for my oldest. I dragged baby everywhere, trained her to nap in the stroller, learned to nurse standing up, played soccer with my oldest while the baby napped in a carrier on my chest, you name it. On the occasions that I really couldn't do something with my oldest because of the baby, I made sure to never say "I can't because I'm feeding your sister," I used very neutral language like "my hands are busy right now but I can help you with that in a few minutes."

My oldest (now 10) has always been over the moon for his sister and I give myself a fair bit of credit for their smooth relationship.

 

[elizabeda777]

@glowfood Just a quick comment - I had a caesarean first time around, so I prepared my daughter on third trimester that sometimes I just couldn’t carry her. I stopped carrying her on the stairs, or longer trips. I didn’t blame the baby, just that I couldn’t, or it was sore, or I wasn’t able to. Then we had a second caesarean and it was very easy to keep not carrying her because “I have a sore tummy so I’m not allowed to carry you right yet”. But I would crouch down for a cuddle whenever she wanted!! She kept asking me if my tummy was feeling better, and it was great being able to carry her again! But it was also really helpful that she knew sometimes I wouldn’t carry her, even if she wanted me to!

That, and books that talk about the bad things too. Crying, spills. We had one (that I’ve passed on so don’t remember the name sorry) that said “if mummy and daddy are busy, know that they love you too”. Which is very heteronormative, so I hope there are other options too

 

[elizabeda777]

I agree with someone else about not having the baby in your arms when the siblings meet. We also got a present from our oldest to the baby (that she chose at the shop, and we kept talking about giving to baby), and “baby” bought her something too

 

[rae29]

@glowfood Talk about the baby often. If you have a name picked out, use it already.

Ask what the 3yo will give the baby when they get here, and what will the baby bring? And you can buy it as a present from the baby.

We bought a few books about being a new sibling. Berenstain Bears, Little Critter, Daniel Tiger.

When my daughter was born, no one was allowed in the hospital, so we went home when my son was at daycare. My fiancé and I went to get him without the baby. (My mom was watching the baby) We hugged and had a little time with just us. When we got home, the baby was in the bassinet. No one was holding her, so he didn't get jealous. We told him to go get her present! And he got excited. He's been wonderful since.

If they're going to the hospital, I suggest doing the same. A little one on one time, and then go look at the baby together.

 

[continualseeker]

@glowfood Try to avoid situations were multiple adults are all standing around gawking at the new baby and totally ignoring the preschooler. Try to get at least one adult to be giving the preschooler attention. Typically, a baby does not need the attention of more than one adult at a time.

The arrival of a newborn is a good time for your spouse to bond more with the preschooler by filling the attention gap.

Also, even one adult who is alone and tending to a baby can usually give the preschooler some attention. Prompt the preschooler to do something kind and/or helpful like get a diaper or the wipes and praise him when he does it. Or just prompt him to dance or something and give that attention.

Here's a video on effective praise of desirable behaviors that will ramp them up in frequency so that they replace or crowd out undesirable behaviors.

 

[deseret]

@continualseeker Thank you for sharing the video of the Yale lesson. I wonder what the best science-based parenting courses are

 

[continualseeker]

@deseret That video is from this free course. This is a version of the most effective parent training for behavior problems according to randomized controlled trials. So it is among best for solving or preventing behavior problems.

The top rated parenting programs in these two lists are a comprehensive set of the best science-based parenting programs as far as I know:

https://www.cebc4cw.org/topic/parent-training-programs-behavior-problems/

https://www.cebc4cw.org/topic/disruptive-behavior-treatment-child-adolescent/

You may find in-person parenting courses in some of those programs near you. The free course I linked above has been proven effective as part of research on PSST.

Here is a free version of PCIT: https://www.pocketpcit.com/

You might find a free local Incredible Years training course.

The Incredible Years parenting book covers much more than behavior problems and I think it is the best science-based parenting book. But I think that sometimes a course focused on behavior problems can be important if you are plagued by those since a focused course may be a more reliable problem-solver for you.

 

[deseret]

@continualseeker These seem like great resources. I made another post to discuss.

Are they still appropriate for generally well-behaved children/parents, or are there more appropriate courses?

 

[continualseeker]

@deseret Incredible Years is a good general parenting book.

From the Yale course intro page: "Chances are your parenting is perfectly fine and working the way you would like. But if you have any frustrations with your child or would like improve your effectiveness in changing your child’s behavior, these videos will be a very useful guide."

The PCIT course intro page says: "This resource is based on Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, an evidence-based treatment for children with disruptive behaviors. This online parenting program provides lots of tips for how to improve your relationship with your child and improve your child's behavior. Pick the strategies that will work best for your family and start practicing these new skills today!"

 

[chanson]

@glowfood One of the best things we did was communicate how the new baby was not going to pop out as full grown playmate. We spent a lot of time describing how we would care for a baby, where the baby might lay down, play and generally be with us in the house. These were all small exercises to help the new big sibling imagine life with the baby. When possible we tried to point out examples in real life, “That baby is going to be like our baby. Look how tiny. They are so happy to be with their mama and siblings.”

Another very helpful way to talk about the new baby is to talk about when the sibling was a baby. Both my older kids LOVED to hear about when they were little babies. Telling them all about the small details. They always seemed to internalize these stories much better and once the baby did arrive, they were eager to show or teach the baby how to be part of our family.