Tips for preparing our 3.5 y/o for new baby?

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glowfood

New member
What worked, what didn't? What do you wish you had done more prep for? Any tips for managing my relationship with my first once the baby comes?

I'm due in June with our second, our first was born at the end of August so he'll be almost 4. He will also start school in September and I'll be home for 18 months.
 
@glowfood Ours are about the same age gap, our baby is four months old now.

When I first got pregnant I read the first half of the section about introducing a new baby in the book Calm Parents Happy Siblings by Laura Markham. I didn’t get around to reading all of it unfortunately, but I got a few good tips from it.

I talked to our older child a lot. I explained that babies can’t talk and they cry instead of talking and she did the same thing until she learnt to talk. I said it often and in lots of different ways. Not in a big serious talk, just mentioned it in passing a lot. Also that small babies are quiet boring and sleep a lot, but the baby will get more fun as it gets older.

We prepared the baby’s things together. I let her touch and play with the baby’s things pretty much as much as she wanted, but reminded her that they aren’t her toys and to take care of them because she’s borrowing them.

I always referred to the baby as “our baby” not my baby or the baby, and if she referred to the baby as “your baby” I’d correct her and remind her that it’s her baby too.

We talked quite a lot about how babies are made, I didn’t go into graphic detail, but explained about sperm and eggs and conception and downloaded an app that showed an illustration of what the baby looked like throughout the pregnancy and compared its size to fruit and we looked at that to get her quite regularly.

I talked a lot about what labour might look like and what she could do to help, and it might look like I’m in pain and I might make noises (and demonstrated) and that that’s heathy and I’m ok.

When baby arrived we encountered her to kiss her on the head, babies release a pheromone from their head that helps us to bond with them.

We had a gift prepared from the baby to our older child. And also nappies, clothing and swaddles for her baby doll. We also took her to choose a gift to give to the baby (and entirely un prompted she chose a couple of her own toys she decided she was finished with and she wanted to give to baby)

When they first met I made sure to not have baby in my arms.

We have a stool by the change table so she can be involved.

If she displayed baby-like behaviour I would embrace it. When we first came home she asked to breastfeed, I wasn’t comfortable with that, but offered her a bottle instead, then she curled up in my lap and asked me to feed it to her, so I did and did it very lovingly, she asked for this twice and then has never done it again. And had no issues with me feeding the baby.

I had a box prepared with interesting activities which was intended to be the box she could play with when I was feeding, but she has never needed it. My sister found this helpful for hers though, and would rotate the contents so it was always novel.

I try to say as often as I can, to the baby, I front of my older child (once baby’s needs are met) “I’m sorry baby, your sister needs me right now, you will have to wait just a little while” and similar things along those lines.

Bedtime has become a little more challenging, she is needing more assistance to fall asleep, but I’ve just been giving it to her.

Another thing I find very helpful, is using “preventative maintenance” I make sure to give my older child my full and undivided attention before she has a meltdown. I think of it as making sure her cup is always full. She goes to kindergarten two days a week and I find after that I need to put extra energy into reconnecting with her.

Overall she has taken it all in her stride and I hope to foster a sense of togetherness within the family. We are a team and we can all be happier and stronger if we work together.

Apologies if this is a bit stream of consciousness, it’s the middle of the night and I’m up with said baby haha.
 
@citywolf This is excellent advice and we did much of the same with my daughter who was nearly 4.5 when our 5 month old was born. Just one more thing to add is that my daughter was freaked out about hr idea of my husband and me going to the hospital for days without her (our hospital didn’t allow children to visit either!) so I did a lot to prepare for that time. She was watched by beloved grandparents so that helped but I also prepared a card for her (she loves to get cards) and daily “big sister presents” with small activities and simple things that were wrapped. She knew that she’d get to open the card when we went to the hospital and that for the first week she’d have a daily “big sister” present to open. That did a lot to help her switch from dreading our departure to being excited for it and it also helped her with the huge change that the first few weeks are for any oldest child.

My daughter is a very high emotions kid so she still took a few months to calm down even with these measures but at the same time she turned very little of that emotion onto her brother. She’s adored him from the start and is very excited and loving towards him 99% of the time even when she’s feeling overwhelmed. I think this transition work helped set that positive foundation for their relationship.
 
@glowfood Broadcast to the new baby what you are doing "hold on x, I have to get your sister crackers then I'll change your diaper". So that you're not just telling the older child to wait and they can hear and see you are doing it on both.

They may toilet regress. It's best to meet it with little to no reaction. My 3 year old pooped her pants once on purpose to see if it was orange like the babies. We didn't react just cleaned her up matter of factly,she didn't enjoy it and didn't do it again.

They may regress in general, expect it. Mine got very clingy for 2-3 months, stopped independent play just wants to sit and have me read books with her, lots of cuddles and physical closeness.

Don't be afraid to show baby affection. I was afraid at first but I noticed my older child copied how I treated the baby so if I was kissing and cooing to her she does too.

The big one WILL hurt the little one. Try not to fuss over the small stuff that wasn't intentional. It sounds mean but I feel like I have to sacrifice a little of the small ones comfort in the name of letting them develop a sibling relationship. I don't mean hitting or deliberate things here, just avoiding over correcting or scolding if a toy is handed to baby too a little too roughly or she pats her back a bit too enthusiastically.

Don't create the narrative of "little one small and fragile, big one aggressive agitator". On occasion, my 3 year old will try to hurt the baby on purpose on impulse. After removing her and calming her down I give her any tiny thing that I could praise her for. I ask if she'd like to say sorry to her sister and when she does I thank her profusely and give hugs. Just so I hold the boundary that she can't hurt the sister, but also not creating the narrative that she's a mean aggressor that I don't like, by making sure to give her the opportunity to get a ton of praise for a mumbled half hearted apology.

Mine loves to help so I do try to let her help in appropriate ways but I'm also trying to avoid parentification so if I say pass me the wipes and she says no I just say OK and get them myself. It's an open invitation to help out not an obligation
 
@c4ccheyenne Oh thank you I try but sure the reality is juggling two and work is tiring and stressful so while I aim for what I say, I don't do it 100% of the time either. I definitely lose it and shout but I try to apologise & explain always
 
@glowfood We have a 2.5 year gap and our oldest (now nearly 3.5) is so sweet with the baby. We:
  • told him about the baby right away and about how he would become a big brother
  • read lots of books about siblings and watched the Daniel Tiger episode about Daniel becoming a big brother (which deals well with new babies being mostly asleep or crying, IMO)
  • pointed out siblings at the playground, especially if they were playing nicely together
  • talking about the baby sort of how we talk about our cat (they're little so they need us to be gentle, sometimes they need personal space, etc.)
  • made changes well before the baby came (e.g., switching from high chair to booster seat, from crib to toddler bed) so they wouldn't be as obviously caused by the baby needing his stuff
  • got him a present "from" the baby that he got when he first came to the hospital to meet him
  • letting him pick a nickname for his brother (we're a very nickname-y family)
  • made sure to give him lots of attention after the baby was born; choosing his needs over the baby's every so often if it's safe to do so and saying "just a moment, baby, your big brother needs X"
  • letting him "help" by singing the baby a song when he's upset, showing him how to do things, etc. – while also making it clear that it's not his job to take care of the baby even though we love having his help
  • planning special one-on-one times with mom (me) like going for lunch or to a cafe while dad watches the baby
I don't know how it's all going to play out long term but so far I couldn't ask for a better sibling relationship between the two. The baby is super into our oldest, and our oldest loves playing with the baby, pauses what he's doing to give the baby a hug every so often, and tolerates occasional hair-pulling and toy-grabbing pretty well. They are so cute it's ridiculous. I could go on.
 
@glowfood Our kids have a 2 year gap. He was talking about his brother for atleast 2 months before he arrived, and is absolutely smitten and so so sweet with him.

(Not scientifically driven just anecdotal) here’s what we did:
- we told him right away about the baby. He found out the same day as dad.
- talk about baby a lot. In Vietnamese culture, younger siblings are called “em” (pronounced am) so we have been calling baby em to our first since day one. There’s also a pronoun for older brother, so we started using that with our first as well.
- as soon as I could feel baby movement, I encouraged our first to feel too. It didn’t always work, because movement is hard to anticipate, but he did feel some moves.
- as soon as we had a name, we started using baby’s name.
- anytime we’d hang out with young babies (under 9mo) we’d say “that’s like the baby in mom’s belly” or “your em is going to be a baby like this!” We’re lucky with this one because my brother had a baby 1 month before we conceived so we always had our baby cousin to refer to as similar to the new addition to our family.

All of the above worked super well for us. When we went to the hospital and left our first with grandparents, he understood we were going to “get our second baby from the doctor” and he was really excited about meeting his sibling and quite patient (as patient as a 2YO can be) about our absence.
 
@nicogarzanderson We didn’t get a doll specifically but our first will take care of his teddies like a baby. We swaddle them, change their diapers, sing lullabies, feed them, etc. Honestly wasn’t my idea, my toddler is really the driver there, which is really sweet and fun haha.
 
@nicogarzanderson Yes, we did this, too, along with most of the other things mentioned. We specifically got him a lifelike baby doll, which he is now very attached to. We also used the doll for practicing how to handle a baby. Big kid is 3.5 yo and baby is just now 3 months, and he is just the best big brother ever. He's obsessed with her in the cutest, gentlest way imaginable.
 
@truthandlove How did it go in the first weeks after your second? We've done basically all of what you've done and she's already absolutely dedicated to the "big sister" life but I'm a little concerned about that adjustment both for her and us!

How did your second adjust to the sleep issues?
 
@prexioc We thought the sleep adjustment would be hard too, especially cause we don’t have enough room to have them sleep in separate spaces.

Weirdly enough, he’s normally a light sleeper but has taken baby’s crying in stride. Sometimes he’ll wake up from the crying, ask if baby is ok - “name?” - and then roll right over after I tell him that baby’s hungry and he’ll be ok.
 
@glowfood I forgot to add that we don't "blame the baby". If 3 y-o wants me to play while I'm feeding the baby, I'll say "I'll be there in 5 minutes" not "I can't right now, I'm feeding the baby".
 
@glowfood Our daughter was about three years and four months when our son was born. I'm quite certain we could have done a better job of setting the table, but it's all shaken out well in the end. Among what we tried to do at the time:
  • Emphasizing that babies cry a lot, they're very shrill and loud, and they can't help it.
    • We tried to get buy-in early and often. "When the baby comes, he's going to be REALLY loud when he's not happy. He's not doing it on purpose, he won't be able to help it. Are you going to be okay with that? Will you try not to be upset with him?"
    • This was doubly important as our first has some issues with being overwhelmed by sound - certain sounds (which we haven't been able to crisply define yet) will throw her into a fizz of clamping her hands over her ears and trying to overpower the sound by yelling. We've impressed upon her that her room is a safe space she can retreat to if the sound is overwhelming; it's taken reminding in the moment, but she's taken the opportunity multiple times.
  • Trying as best we could, in appropriate language, to stress that while our immediate attention may be divided at points, we wouldn't love her any less. Now that he's here, we try to avoid using her as a simple gopher as much as we can, but do what we can to help her feel she's involved in caring for his needs.
  • Establishing her as a formal caretaker. Even during the pregnancy, we'd talk about how the baby wouldn't own anything at all, then muse aloud about whether there might be things she'd outgrown and wasn't using anymore. That's all the prompting she needed to curate a welcome pack of stuffed animals and board books which had otherwise fallen into disuse.
  • We also framed her relationship as one of teaching:
    • "We need to learn good habits so you can teach your brother when he comes, right?"
    • "You won't want to teach your baby brother how to throw tantrums...otherwise he'll start throwing them too, and that wouldn't be nice, would it?"
    • "Let's read together so you can learn more words to teach your brother."
  • Repeating early and often how delicate babies are, how you have to be gentle with them, how they're not able to play rough like her. We weren't sure what to expect, as our first is a non-stop powder keg who seemingly defies the laws of thermodynamics considering what she eats. Thankfully, she took it all to heart and, other than having to be talked down when she gets excited around his face, is eminently gentle with him.
This is a great question, it's going to be a service. I wasn't aware of this sub's existence at the time, but I'm already reading things here I wish I'd thought to incorporate to the preparations.
 
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