Teen turning 18 in a few years! 😱

@corydm27 My kids are 19 and 20. Working on 20 and 21. Both are in college. One is more driven than the other.

The one who didn’t have a life plan, when she was nearing high school graduation, we talked, and I told her that I know she doesn’t want to live with us forever, (she had made that clear) so her only choices if she didn’t want to live with us past high school were to go to college or get a full time job and a few roommates and have a go at it.

She chose college. We pay her tuition and her apartment.

My other daughter has a whole life plan, we pay for her college too.

We bought a little house that was practically in our back yard as a backup option in case either or both of our kids really needed it. I fully expect that my daughter with the plan will need to live there while she is in grad school. Shit is tight right now, paying for both of them.

But I am happy to know that they have a house they can live in (even if I charge them enough to cover the mortgage, it will be a way better deal than paying rent elsewhere).

I just want them to have a safe place to land and know they always have a home.

I ask for notice if they can give it, if they ever come home, but that’s just so I can get my crap off of the bed in their old rooms.

And no, I don’t find living with them easy. But how could I sleep, as a mother, if I didn’t know they they had a home?
 
@corydm27 I think this can be a very nuanced discussion. I have friends who have kids who have been incredibly hard and the relationships at home have, at times been very toxic. In this case creating a plan or sending a kid out into the world might be a good option. My friends in this situation had the means to help their kids pay rent.

Another friend has a son who has really struggled to find his way. He is still at home but if he doesn’t figure out work or school soon they may change their plans. He is a few years out of HS.

I have a daughter who is off to college in the fall. She will probably never come back home. She is incredibly smart and ambitious. If she ever wants/needs to come home she is always welcome.

Our son is pretty immature and still has a few years to go. My husband would like to see him move out at 18 because he can be pretty challenging. As he grows up he is easier to live with. Realistically I can see him living at home for a pretty long time.

I think it is our responsibility to give our kids as many tools and skills as possible so they are ready to be adults. This works better for some than others.
 
@corydm27 I would never kick my kids out ever. They are welcome anytime, to live or visit. They are 18 and 19, 19 yo moved out voluntarily. As many pointed out already, there is a national housing crisis, and multi-generational homes are going to become the norm.

Unless your teenager is a violent psychopath, I can't condone kicking out for no other reason than he is just 18. That's wild to me.
 
@corydm27 I have been struggling to figure this out. Mine turns 18 next week and is graduating high school next month. We have given him the following options:

1) move out, do whatever you want

2) get a full time 40hr/wk job and pay rent. Rent will be minimum $175/mo, maximum $400/mo, but charged as 25% of take home pay. This option also comes with paying his own expenses like cell phone, car insurance, utilities, groceries etc. basically a roommate situation.

3) trade school, pay rent (see above), but we pay additional expenses like utilities, insurance etc.

4) college, pay rent (see above), but again we pay expenses.

5) military

He knows realistically option 1 is not going to happen. He doesn’t want #5 because it means he has to quit smoking weed and he really doesn’t want to do that. #4 doesn’t feel like the right fit for him. So, we’re looking at full time job or trade school. He’s considering culinary but I’m trying to push him towards something more lucrative like electrician/welder/plumbing.

What’s not going to happen is he won’t be sitting around putt putting his life away working a part time serving job and having his life funded by my husband and I. So he’s either going to do something that drives his life forward or he’s going to take responsibility for his own life. He’s already starting to dig himself into a hole borrowing money from us to fund things like car registration, he needs to really learn some hard lessons in growing up.
 
@corydm27 Mine will turn 18 in about a year. We will NOT kick him out. Being neurodivergent, he won't be ready, he's still got a ways to go. However, even if was neurotypical, we still wouldn't rush to kick him out.

It's a shitty thing to do. At 18, just throwing them out to fend on their own. I mean yeah, it's one thing if they've got college lined up or they're going into the military, and it's something they want to do. But at least it's a choice.

Personally speaking, I would have left home at 18 if I could have (did at 19, though I had to move back a few years later). I spent enough years being miserable with them that the first chance I got to leave, I took it.

I hope eventually he becomes independent enough to be able to move out and support himself, but for sure, it's not going to be in a year.
 
@corydm27 They can stay as long as they want.

I do not know what I will do when they are done with school yet but then again we do not have a housing crisis here so rent is okay.
 
@corydm27 My plans are to retire our switch to fully remote when my youngest is 18. She's almost 13 now. I'll be moving out of the house (to a vacation home) and offering it as a rental to the kids.

I'm in the process of buying land and either putting a mobile home on it, or building a small house on it. It'll be a vacation home and later we'll be living there to get away from the city.
 
@chrischai Thank you for your comment.
This is the first one mentioning the parent moving out!

We are planning on retiring in Belize, probably 10-15 years from now and I hadn't really considered that point yet. 😬
 
@corydm27 Mine started out as a dream to retire on an island somewhere. Then I thought I could do it locally and enjoy it now, too.

It's not something everyone can do. I came into an inheritance for this to happen for me. Not everyone can just move out and let the kids stay.

My boyfriend built out two extra bedrooms and full bath in his house when we moved in. So it'll make a good rental, with subletting rooms. They'll be able to have roommates or extra space.
 
@corydm27 Imo there's a lot of things at play here. My kid can stay as long as she wants, but I've raised her to be independent. At this point she intends to go to school and wants most to go to a local school and stay home. We are A ok with this plan. Even though I'm pretty lukewarm about kids going direct to college after HS.

If we live in our current home she could stay flippen forever since we already have a mil suite with a separate entrance. Assuming we're not caregivers for our parents at that time. Probably need to make a deal about first priority for that space going to our parents.

If my kid was frittering their life away, not working, not going to school, we'd have some things to discuss. How long would we support that before making demands? I don't know we're not there yet. But eventually we'd need to see progress, whether that be therapy, working and saving, or schooling.

If she was to start getting well into adulthood, while saving and working, but had like, no intention of leaving? At some point I imagine we'd ask for contributions (other than the basic requirements of being in the family home, sharing chores etc) I don't know.

It wasn't all that long ago that kids didn't move out until marriage.

Additionally,I can't imagine this being the situation, but this assumes that she's still easy to live with, isn't an asshole, respects boundaries etc. If she were really disrupting the household, causing lots of pain. The conversation changes then. She's a teen and we have a great relationship.

I was a fucking nightmare as a teen and my mom was absolutely right to charge me rent, which encouraged me to gtfo.
 
@corydm27 Parenting doesn't end when they turn 18. My kid will always have a bedroom in my home, wherever he goes or wherever I go. There are so few jobs that can support living expenses at the entry level. The world has changed, and kicking 18-year-olds out will set them up for failure and guarantee that you'll spend your holidays alone in your old age.
 
@corydm27 My son will be able to stay as long as he wants. Although we will discuss things as they come up. At some point I expect him to be paying rent (as he would if he moved out on his own). But I would talk with him about things.

I expect to help him when he needs it. Educate him when he needs it.
 
@corydm27 I would probably consider kicking my kid out if they were stealing from me and refusing to seek treatment for addiction or some other tough love situation.

A pretty good kid who’s either working or going to school and trying to live in this crazy world best they can? Never.

I have an almost 23 year old. She’s dying to get out. She really wants to be on her own; To have her own place. She’s been collecting kitchen supplies and bathroom and bedroom decor and gadgets etc. but she can’t afford to live on her own. She just graduated college and is making about $50k/yr in the first few months in her career. Rent is at min $1800/month in a mediocre location. A safe location that a young woman would feel comfortable living in, would be well over $2k/month. she thought about a roommate but the few friends she has that aren’t married or already committed are couch jumping or not really sure they want to commit to a lease.

I don’t know - I told her she should just stay here as long as she can so she can save as much as she can. I know she’s anxious to go be a real adult but I just don’t know that she can afford it yet. It’s obviously up to her - it’s just expensive. In a couple years, she will have to provide her own health insurance so that’s another expense that she will have to figure out.

When I was 22, I was already her mother, married and a homeowner. Times are just different. Cost of living here is ridiculous. Our mortgage on a new build, 2k sq ft home in DFW was $1100/month in 2001. That’s not even possible now.
 
@corydm27 My teen turned 18 in January and they can stay as long as they like. In fact, they want to move out by Fall for school and I don’t think they are quite ready yet. They are an incredible, thoughtful, responsible teen - it’s not that. I’d rather they save money and gain experience and stability in going to college classes, having a job, and commuting a short distance without the worry of paying significant housing costs bills and going into debt. Plus, just the general overwhelm. Come home and I will have dinner ready. Don’t worry about groceries, etc. I want to launch them into the world well.
 
@corydm27 I will never kick my kid out of the house, ever. They will be 18 next week.

I may change the terms of our housing agreement and make them moving out a more attractive choice, but I firmly believe kicking kids out at 18 is cruel unless they have their own means of support.
 
@corydm27 They can stay home if they are going to full-time school, or if they are working full-time and paying me rent (which I will put aside for them in a savings account).

If they don't want to work or go to school, then while I will still love them will all my heart, they will need to find someone else to support them.
 
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