Teen retaliation

[bear78]

@scottwilson Would he ever react to you with compassion?
What if you sat him down and talked to him sincerely about why you do what you do for him, and how all of this affects you?

Would he listen to the bigger picture?
Show him that there are consequences to his actions - look at the money you make, the bills you have to pay, and what his behavior costs you. What could you have done with all the money spent on his homework?
He messed with your job (the Internet) and he's wearing you down. What would happen if you were laid off? Where would you find the money to live and eat?

Finally, does he know that there are ultimate limits to this?
I don't know if he would get violent to you or damage your belongings, but look into what the police would do with a violent minor, and if you feel unsafe, let him know that you would call the police.

 

[scottwilson]

@bear78 Yes, unfortunately we are well past all of that.
Th county won’t come out for mental health calls (did I mention we’re underresourced?) and will only help if I am willing to press charges. They literally will do nothing for a violent teen unless I want to press charges. They won’t take him in on a hold unless he is actively trying to hurt himself. Hurting me? I should find somewhere to shelter to wait out the storm. I have come home to many things broken or stuff thrown all over after leaving for my sanity/safety. Fortunately it hasn’t been that bad recently.

We’ve had lots of conversations, and are in intensive therapy. I don’t think he can perceive reality very well. I know I struggled with this, executive function and anticipating outcomes.

He’s got to see how his actions affect me. But I just don’t know if it sinks in. He’s got ADHD, depression, anxiety. We’ve tested for autism but no. I feel like his trauma and lack of a father, being raised by a single mom has been detrimental to his drive to be an adult. He’s also just so much like his dad even if he hasn’t seen him in 14 years. Thanks

 

[tiger65]

@scottwilson Is he medicated for ADHD?

 

[scottwilson]

@tiger65 Yes. But a non stimulant. Sometimes I wonder if we should try a stimulant again.

 

[musicman61]

@scottwilson Time to press charges. Tell him be has 60 days to get a job and pay for his own phone bill. Let him sink or swim. He's old enough to face the consequences of his actions. Find another school I don't understand paying for classes in high-school outside of a private school

 

[scottwilson]

@musicman61 It is a private school- the district transports him there because they lacked the resources to support him locally. They pay for everything except for the classes that exceed the number of initially scheduled sessions. The only reason he has make up sessions is literally because of incomplete homework.

It’s almost like he doesn’t get it about the job. Maybe he doesn’t think I’ll follow through. I had told him he had to get a job and helped him do everything to get it going, which is the one he know, called no showed from. He keeps telling me he can’t get a job because we live far and he’s not driving yet. I’m happy to drive him but it’s excuse after excuse. He will be driving by May.

 

[ajhnh]

@scottwilson I’m no soft touch. But I think you both need to step back. You mention that you are willing to give him more control, which is a start.
The rule can be that you’ll remind him once to do his homework and make time available for him to do it then back off entirely with no reminders.
In exchange you need to agree with him that under no circumstances are you going to pay at all for any extra lessons. So if he does fall short the financial responsibility falls on him.
Help him find a job to save towards this eventuality if this is the route he chooses in a bank account that has some sort of lock. He needs to see the value of money and then if he does fail there the money is.

 

[scottwilson]

@ajhnh I agree. I don’t know, I’m hoping he will see the benefit and accept the reality of needing to contribute financially. I do need him to take responsibility for his choices! Right now our bill is at $750. I looked at his school tracking yesterday- he’s had so many extra sessions put on that he won’t finish classes until July! I hope this will help him to understand- if he doesn’t make changes, he won’t have a summer. I also won’t be able to schedule a vacation either because when he’s behind, we can’t really leave school, or it’ll just push him even further behind. I want more skills for how to loosen while protecting myself from fallout. I have a very demanding job and it takes a lot of my energy. I don’t have the fortitude to make it through the anger and lack of self control on his side, I’m burning out. How would you approach this? If he won’t pay? Won’t get a job? Won’t necessarily even get out of bed at all on the weekends unless required to? Maybe I’m looking at this wrong, but I’m tired, and I believe it if I’m not seeing straight!

 

[ajhnh]

@scottwilson You know a strange thing happened to me - I lost the ability to raise my voice/shout after getting covid. Life is so much better without shouting, much calmer. You approach stuff in different ways.
Strip it back to the beginning - is your house a happy place?

It is important that you look after yourself, relax and have fun. At the end of the work week I like to celebrate the weekend and with my teens we might go out and get a takeaway or do sthg like calling in at starbucks and getting a frappucinio on the way home from school. We even go through the car wash haha and sing and laugh!

We always discuss plans for the weekend - I work full time so a lot of my time at the weekend is housework/ laundry/ life admin. But the kids are having a great time! They have a reason to get out of bed if they have plans - so encourage that.

Take a bit of time for yourself even just 10 minutes to sit and enjoy a nice cup of coffee on the weekend or something nice like a long shower and painting your nails and think about enjoying it.

At our house, There always lots of people so there’s a happy feel. Invite friends over or have one thing social every weekend, don’t go all out and exhaust yourself just a cuppa and a natter.

Opening the curtains and windows helps bring fresh air in. Let’s face it teen rooms stink! And I hate to see folk fester in the darkness when the sun is shining.

I think once you change the vibe of the house, other things will fall into place. My daughter is 15 and I’m not sure I know any of her friends that dont have a job. They want to buy the latest joggers or hoodie or are saving towards a car. When they get a job they realise the value of money -all of a sudden £20 is 4 hours work! And those new trainers they just saved for are loved lol

When your son sees more people and sees what they are doing/ wearing etc he’ll be influenced by this. My girls are into these Nike socks - they have to be a certain length/ style. So I bought a pair each and they were there one friday when they got back from school. I enjoyed the surprise just as much as they did! I must be mad lol. What small gestures could you do to make your son smile again? What could you have as your thing on a Friday after school to celebrate that you’ve made it through the week?

My two aren’t the best academically, I’m just hoping for a pass, but they do try. I sympathise it must be hard to be sat there all day not getting it, all day long. It seems different in your country here in rural northern England you are academic or you get a trade, you don’t need to stress about it. If you push them up the academic hill what happens when they get to university- continue to struggle? Drop out after spending a fortune - How depressing! Get them earning and learning on the job and doing something that they enjoy.

So my advice is this go back to the bottom of the stairs and start climbing back up one by one until you reach the top. No point of fighting it doesnt do us any good at all.
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