Teen daughter lied about meeting a friend. Is actually planning to meet a boy she met online

[ccm500]

My 15 y.o confessed to me that she lied to me about plans she’s made to meet a female friend at a local mall. She came and spoke to me earlier today and “confessed” that she isn’t planning to meet a school friend, but rather a boy she meet online. It was apparently his suggestion that she come clean to me about it, but I can’t verify that either way. I’m grateful that she told me the truth, but honestly, her behaviour has been quite suspicious lately and I had an inclination that something was not right.
I feel quite betrayed, tbh. She says she’s been speaking to this guy for a few months (never mentioned him) and deliberately set their meeting place in public for safety reasons, which is something positive at least.
I feel like now, if I say ‘No’ to her going , she’s just going to pull away from me even more, but at the same time, she lied to me and that’s really not ok.
I’m 95% sure I’m going to make her stay home, I just wondered what others would do. I am a completely solo parent with no one to bounce ideas off, it’s really tough.
Thanks for reading.

 

[bernard05]

@ccm500 In the interest of keeping her from hiding things in the future AND learning how to handle online friendships/dating, I'd say yes. Go with her plan of meeting at the mall, set a time limit, and be there. I wouldn't make them sit close or introduce you or anything, but he should know that you are going to be there, and she is being open with you about meeting.

If this is some kind of grooming situation, he will know a few things - one, that she doesn't hide thing from her parent, and two that her parent is involved.

A lot of people are forming online friendships and relationships. Might as well help her learn how to approach them in a healthy, safe way. People only give you their side of things and the best versions of themselves. Better to meet sooner rather than later to see if that holds up or if you're getting attached to a version of someone that doesn't actually exist. It's good to make a plan to meet in public and to tell someone else where you're going to be and with whom and if possible have someone physically near by. Don't go to a second lotion, etc.

Edited for word that made zero sense.

 

[ccm500]

@bernard05 That’s really good advice. Thank-you.

 

[tmounts87]

@ccm500 I came here to give similar advice to what NiteNicole said. I think the fact that she came clean beforehand changes things significantly. Yes, she still lied initially but she couldn't follow though with you not knowing the truth and I think that needs to be praised actually. If you come down on her for the initial lie it's going to make it more difficult for her to be open with you in the future.

 

[earthbear]

@tmounts87 I agree. It also creates a great natural opening for talking about all of this, which I would suggest taking.

 

[tranhuukhanh]

@tmounts87 It also shows her she can tell you the truth and confide in you in the future. If you say no she may shut you out. My nearly 18 year old and I have this relationship. She tells me everything.

 

[huru]

@bernard05 This is like spot on great advice. I did this as a teenager and wish I could've been able to tell my parent or even ask. I felt like I had to lie about a lot. Would've been much better knowing my mom or dad was close by in case something happened.

 

[jordan1984]

@ccm500 She lied to you, yes… but in the end she came clean BEFORE she did the stupid dangerous thing. That’s a win for you as a parent. Go with her and be in the background, don’t punish her good decision.

 

[jordan1984]

My only qualification: Parent of a 13-year-old boy with occasionally terrible decision-making skills.

 

[ccm500]

@jordan1984 That’s so very true. And that’s why I’m so conflicted.

 

[ch0senbygrace]

@ccm500 I think it matters that she told you the truth before it happened. I would let them meet up and hang out while I was in a different part of the mall. Close by in case he’s not who he said he is, but with enough room for them to get to know each other. I’d also probably want to be introduced to him by the end of the date.

 

[nosparrowfalls]

@ccm500 I second this! Besides the guy also told her to tell you. That’s a good thing in my book!

 

[ccm500]

@nosparrowfalls I know! I was a bit shocked tbh.

 

[joseph92]

@ccm500 If I made her stay home I would make sure there was an agreement to see him in some capacity that you, the parent, are comfortable with. Otherwise she's never going to tell you the next time this happens and there will be a next time.

Personally I'd let her go, but I would drive her and stay in the same space. Maybe also make it a requirement that an additional friend joins her.

I would try to get past the shock that my daughter lied to me and try to get on board and work together for something safe because, regardless of whether you like it or not, this will set the tone for what she will tell you about the rest of her dating life - safe or unsafe. This also allows for communication that she'll actually be ready to hear regarding safety and your concerns.

The lying needs to be addressed too, but separate from this. If you punish her for lying by not going, you'll just have proven her original strategy correct, when I'm sure all you want is for her to be safe.

 

[ccm500]

@joseph92 I was initially pretty shocked and said to her I needed some thinking space. I was really calm and listened to her and she apologised profusely for lying (but yes, I agree that needs to be addressed at another time) I didn’t always tell my parents the truth, either, so I really shouldn’t be that surprised. It’s pretty normal. How I react now will determine how comfortable she is sharing things with me in the future, so I recognise that I need to be sensitive but firm.

 

[rebecca334]

@ccm500 she has a conscience. trust she will tell you the truth

 

[mark419]

@ccm500 The safest option is to let her go, but go as well and meet the kid. Sorry, but I’m meeting anyone my kid meets online. I wouldn’t make it awkward or hang around hovering, but showing up with her and meeting this kid face to face ensures you know exactly who she is meeting.

 

[joshuaaa]

@ccm500 I'd take her. Let her go. But keep an eye on them. Like, in eye sight.

Not only in case he is a creep, but in case she comes crying that he isn't as cool as she thought he would be.

Quite frankly, meeting people online is how people meet these days. It's become rather common.

 

[fragment]

@ccm500 AND it was the boy that suggested she be honest. Maybe he is good dude?

 

[aballa]

@ccm500 Oh this is all really positive but I know hard to see that in the middle of it. Go with her to the mall but let her manage the experience as she feels she should. She will be meeting a lot of folks from the internet in her life. Get her used to doing it right.