Taking away phone

[gmeyers1944]

Our 15-year-old daughter is totally unable or unwilling to self-regulate when it comes to her iPhone. She has figured her way around every safeguard, and would have her eyes glued to it 24/7 if we weren’t paying attention. Without getting into a ton of detail about exactly what precipitated it, we are now resolved to take away the iPhone until the end of the school year at the earliest, and give her a flip phone instead.

For those who have done this, or something similar: How big of a shitstorm can we expect?

 

[jayjay11]

@gmeyers1944 We did this with our 15 yrs old. We call it the brick phone ( it’s like a new version of the Nokia from back in the days ). He ended up never using that phone, he says it’s an embarrassment, we don’t care it was there for him to use or not.
What we also did was getting house phones back ( through an internet service called Ooma ).
But we’ve let him keep his Apple Watch for music at the gym.
It was a shit storm at first but after 2-3 weeks his friends started to call the house phone and started to show up at our door like the good old days ! It’s not like he cannot communicate with them anymore, they can talk on the house phone, Xbox, smart watch and that was my biggest concern at the first taking the phone away. I didn’t want to socially isolate him.
We went on vacation this Christmas and we did give it to him for the plane rides. But other than that we are sticking to our guns until his grades are going back up. What really bothers us is that the schools allows them to bring their phone to school. I really think that in a few years from now we will look back as a society and realize that we collectively let those kids downs with so much access to iPhones. They really can easily by pass all the restrictions.
Good luck !

 

[arhodie]

@gmeyers1944 What model phone? We’ve successfully used Apple’s Screen Time” to limit our 14yo bedrotter’s time on the phone.

She was really good evading at our earlier attempts and somehow found every loophole- but we’ve got it dialed in now.

Can’t install apps (so there’s no snap, insta, or tiktok) at all. With this restriction the App Store itself is just not there.

Messages - she gets 4 hours a day. Once the limit is hit, she can't use the app. But she can still text her mother and I.

Safari - one hour a day. YouTube, same. etc etc.

She can’t add or remove contacts. She can only message those already in her contacts.

Phone stops everything at 9:30 PM. Phone doesn’t start working at all until 7 AM.

We’re now able to discuss actually fucking doing something.

She’s attending a writing club sponsored by our local library every two weeks.

I swim laps with her 2x a week. She did yoga with her mother and I last weekend and our thing now is family yoga on Saturdays and Sunday (late, we like to sleep in and cafinate) mornings.

We’re making positive steps finally. (This wasn’t all about the phone, frankly). She’s for real got ADHD, inattentive - and exec function is difficult for her. Medication helps a ton, but she still doesn’t have the basic exec function. Doing any task or chore is a slog and with poor quality or incomplete- but we’re making progress. Checklists don’t work when you don’t look at them, so I’m trying to think of different strategies.

Anyway, iPhone Screen Time can work when you set it up correctly.

Our internet router also has a schedule for start stop times (for her laptop- and don’t forget her school Chromebook!) as well.

We use Eero for that.

I’m an IT guy, so some of this might be easier for me, I will concede.

 

[moshil]

@arhodie I agree and have very similar guardrails using Apple Family and on our home router. My daughter is 14 and does very well with these boundaries, and understands the importance of screen-free time. If we go out to eat or watch a movie at home, she will actually tell everyone at the table/in the family room that their phones should be put away!

 

[arhodie]

@moshil Oh totally- when we’re at dinner or at a restaurant, it’s a no phone zone. Surprisingly this has never been an issue for us.

Maybe not ever pacifying her with an iPad at dinner was the key in this instance. Maybe a shower if you were solo parenting you brought out Pingu or Yo Gabba Gabba for a bit, but otherwise that was never our jam.

 

[pastmoon]

@arhodie This is amazing

 

[donnydavid]

@arhodie You just saved my life. And my 14 YO teen’s phone life. Because it was about to be over.

Honestly thank you for every sentence in this post. Your daughter sounds identical to mine and your recommendations are going to be so useful. Feel free to send me any other parental advice too!

 

[lyossarian]

@gmeyers1944 We did it with our kid when she got into trouble. She was pissed. Was on a flip phone quite a bit. We also had device free time on school nights from 6-8:30pm and then we collected the phone every night and would give back in morning. It was a fight every day for years. Buuuuurtttt fast forward to her being 19 and telling us if she ever has kids she isn't going to let them have phone or free access to technology and this is something her and her friends all agree on and talk about. Sooooooo, point is, she figured it out with time. Realized we weren't actually trying to ruin her life. We did the same thing with house phone. The rule was that during device free time, she could use house phone and watch TV in the living room. Oh she fought, argued, cried. Told us we were crazy and everyone thinks so. LOL. Man, those years absolutely suuucckkkk! Be strong. Do what your gut is telling you is right.

 

[laurapalooza]

@gmeyers1944 If she's as dedicated to her phone as you suggest, her next step is to buy a burner phone and set up second social media accounts which will be her main accounts for talking to friends.

If you've already been hawkishly monitoring her social media, she may already be using two sets of accounts. It is a losing battle against a dedicated young adult.

Without details about what precipitated this, I can't provide relevant advice. Teens will circumvent parental controls when they feel those controls are too invasive.

 

[michaelo]

@gmeyers1944 Sending strong parenting vibes your way!!

I am only guessing as we have not taken away phones — but I would expect the 5 stages of loss/grief. So bunker down for anger, denial, bargaining, depression prior to acceptance!!

My sister did try it with her child not due to phone addiction but rather poor behavior and breaking rules, and it went poorly and did not achieve the outcome parents wanted, but I think each child is unique, so do not take that to heart.

 

[jocelynvenus]

@gmeyers1944 I think it's just a losing battle. But, if you want to take that route, good luck and god speed. It's going to be world war III in your house.

 

[kbullseye]

@jocelynvenus I have gotten in the habit of just taking my daughters phone when she walks in the door after school. I’ll check to make sure her assignments are completed before she gets it back. I also take the phone in the morning or else she’s late for school. I’ve been doing this a couple months since her grades started slipping and it seems to be helping. She also understands it’s for her own benefit and doesn’t argue about it too much.

Everyone including myself has become addicted to phones the last few years especially. I’m even thinking about getting a flip phone myself..

 

[metsuko]

@gmeyers1944 I've done it. Don't even have to physically take the phone away. Cut off the data plan (via the provider's web portal) and block the iphone address on the home router. In essence giving it zero data. Sure, my kid can go to a friend's house or an coffee shop which is perfectly fine with me. Because I prefer he gets out of the house and socializes.

But more drastic measure was taking away his gaming laptop so he had no work-arounds like the above. Which is basically what you are doing. They learn the consequences of their actions. He is cool with it and it effectively works. I would not do the end of school year. Longest I've done is the following quarter and it is usually involving grades. If his grade drops, he gets it taken away until the next official publish report card/progress report. Which is around 2-3 months.

 

[alfredkeith]

@gmeyers1944 We got a jitterbug flip phone and that was all my child had for about four months. We wanted her to have something for safety reasons and she could at least still text with friends on it. She is very stubborn and basically immune to consequences so she took the attitude that she didn’t care and would just use the flip phone. Meanwhile she continued not doing any schoolwork at all.

 

[foolforfive]

@gmeyers1944 The flip phone thing is actually a great idea! Good on you for having the resolve to see that through! Our issue is the car but getting an old beater isn't feasible. ;-)

Seriously though, it's such a problem, isn't it? We haven't seen anything like it. Yes, TV was addictive back in the day but not so universally rampant like it is now. And let's face it, we parents aren't much better.

Oops sorry. I'm realizing now that I'm not answering your question. I can't. But I will get some advise from this thread. You folks are ninjas, thanks!

 

[desiringgod03]

@gmeyers1944 I deleted the App Store and deleted apps and put back on when ungrounded.