Siblings are not what they’re cracked up to be

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ipurr2

New member
Just came across a blog post about what only children don’t like about being an only child, so it made me think what would be said about the reciprocal - the cons of having siblings.

For context, I’m the youngest of 4. My 2 oldest siblings are half siblings from my moms side that I did not grow up as they primarily grew up with their dad. The age gaps are 15 and 12 years (between me and half siblings) and 4 years difference with my full brother.

I grew primarily with my full brother who I admit was nice to have around when I was really little, but by the time I was 6-7 and he was 11 we sort of grew apart (understandable). Right around then he started getting into trouble. First just at school and then legally. I saw how much stress he caused my parents and all the time, effort and money they poured into his issues. During my formative years all the attention was on him - shout out to my parents for trying their best to make me feel heard and seen. Now we’re in our 20s and 30s, we never really speak unless we have to. He never really apologized to my parents for being a pain in the ass all those years and we just have nothing in common. My other siblings are so much older than me and I only see once every year or so, so to be completely honest, I felt like an only child. My mom and dad already consulted me and told me I’m going to the medical POA and main keeper of their finances when their older. So to all the people who is worried about onlies having to sort out their aging parents affairs, just know that just because there’s multiple kids in the picture doesn’t mean the load/burden is going to be spread evenly.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk!
 
@ipurr2 I grew up afraid that my older brother was going to kill me in my sleep. He threatened me every single day. He used to hit me, scratch me, and throw things at me, and leave bruises and scratches all over my face and arms so often, that the school suspected my mother of child abuse. Actually we both lived in fear of my brother.
 
@corta We are civil, but I rarely talk to him or see him. He has had some counseling and has apologized for his "anger issues," which I appreciate, but we don't really have anything in common or anything to talk about now.
 
@focusedontheneedle I had the same experience. I am so so sorry. I blame my parents a lot too and it’s damaged my relationship with them. My parents (mum and stepdad) actually divorced due to my brother being so so horrific. I’m no contact with my brother
 
@taylordoss Yeah, my mom was single and we were poor, plus my brother was born with some special needs, so she had a lot on her plate and couldn't handle him. I've distanced myself from both of them as well. I left home and even moved to a different country as soon as I could.
 
@focusedontheneedle Similar to my younger brother. He told me he was going to kill me all the time. He was very violent as a child. He’s still reasonably violent as an adult and has anger issues, though he’s never been arrested for anything. We don’t talk much and see each other even less. He travels a lot for work and him being far away most of the time is something I’m grateful for.
 
@focusedontheneedle My older brother (only 18months older) has ASD and was a nightmare as a kid to live with. Would hit and kick, threatened my life regularly, and would choke me until I passed out. He was suspended from school for attacking a girl in gym class. Never once did my parents take him to anger counselling. He went for his autism, Asperger’s and incredibly high functioning, but never for anger management. I begged but they would just brush it off even after having to call the police on multiple occasions. My brother has done a lot of in patient therapy as an adult and after a period of no contact we are surprisingly on very good terms. I love him now but honestly having him as a brother definitely influenced our oad decision.
 
@ipurr2 To add to your post: just last night I was scrolling on r/mommit and I came across the post of a mom ranting that her 2 yo and 4 yo NEVER played together without it ending in a fight, that she had to play referee the entire day, that she had to entertain both of them because they were unable to etc.

So much for the argument “have more kids they’ll play together it’ll be easier”…
 
@katrina2017 I'm so glad I don't have to deal with siblings fighting. I hear it all from one of my friends that has 4 kids that are constantly arguing with each other. No thanks.
 
@fesh I have 3 siblings and with my first one (2.5 years age gap) we spent our time fighting. My mom kept saying we were the worst brother/sister pair that existed.
 
@katrina2017 That post annoyed me because that's was 2 and 4 year olds do. My husband and I hung out with friends who have a 3 and 5 year old. 10 minutes in they were fighting, my husband looked at me and said "Oh yeah, one is enough".
 
@katrina2017 That’s how it is for my sister. Her boys are 7 and 5 and can’t play in the same room for more than 10 mins without them running to her with accusations and whines. She said it works best if one kid plays with her in the room and the other plays with the dad.
 
@ipurr2 I had 2 siblings. I'm the oldest. My brother was 2.5 years after me, and sister was 2 years after him.



I never got along with my sister. Grandpa used to joke she was born 40 years old and mad. She was/is spoilt, bratty, demanding, and got away with EVERYTHING. even as an adult I have heard her utter the words "Well, I'M THE PRINCESS so I get what I want!" She's now very successful financially, has a huge house, is a workaholic/alcoholic, been divorced 4x, engaged 7 times, yet generally has her head on straight when it comes to social issues, and treating other humans with kindness and respect - except me, that is. (She considers me to be too easy-going, not driven enough, and unreliable) So, it's kind of a mixed bag.



Did not care for Lil bro when he was a baby/small one. Very sick and screamed so much that I would straight up walk out of the trailer and tell my mom the baby was too loud and i was leaving.... at 2.5 years old. Eventually I came around tho. He had speech delays/impediments, and I was his translator for years. The speech therapist finally got me to stop that and he eventually overcame that difficulty. We were buddies for years. I even took him to his first nightclub when he came of age. Then he had his motorcycle accident. Scrambled his egg GOOD. hospital for over a month. He was always odd, but when he came out he was weird. Real weird. Joined an extremely conservative cult, married into it, and lives on the compound with his ever-growing brood.



None of us ever speak to each other unless someone dies. Sis and I are polite, bro is always preaching so we both avoid him even then. My mother laments that "we never became best friends like we were supposed to" and considers it a failing on her part. We are just 3 very, VERY fundamentally different people/personalities/lifestyles who happen to share genes. I mourn the loss of who my brother was before that idiot hit him, and sis and I never would have gotten along.



No guarantees, and worst case they all hate each other.



Not worth it.
 
@ipurr2 Cons of siblings
- Less money in a poverty stricken household
- As the oldest I was expected to take on a mother role when my own mother was out doing whatever tf she wanted
- Most of my childhood was spent raising my siblings
- Legit spent my money as a teen on the siblings
- As the oldest my parents learned as they went so my youngest siblings received far different treatment than me and my directly younger brother
- Constantly all compared to one another
- As adults my younger sister did meth in front of her toddler and we had to get the law involved. A messy situation that can't happen without a sister.
- Preferential treatment of parents to siblings more like them. So my sister was my mom's mini and my youngest brother was my dad's. Because they had more in common, my parents openly preferred them
- Things were expected to be handed down from oldest to youngest whether I was done with them or not
 
@davidminhmang I wonder how many parentified children become child free or OAD because of this experience. I was the oldest of 3 and similar experiences. I spent my 20s doing whatever I wanted and pursuing my dreams with my husband in tow. I knew I WANTED a baby.

We had our daughter last year and now I’m feeling settled except the grief that kind of follows of a baby growing into a child and yearning for moments back of different stages. But biologically? Mentally? Emotionally? I don’t yearn for another tiny human. I’m so satisfied with the status quo right now. Additionally, I fear becoming my mom and not being able to be the parent I am right now leaving my daughter in the same situation I was growing up.

My husband on the other hand was the youngest of 2 without the experience of poverty. My pregnancy and postpartum experience was so horrifying that he’s open to OAD but not as settled on it as me.
 
@84lutheran My husband is one of 6 biological kids with 4 step siblings from mom and 2 from dad. He was OAD before I was. Then I spent 6 months throwing up every single day while pregnant and had a horrible experience. Plus he has schizophrenia (well maintained by medicine at this point) and we just know that one child is enough for us. We know that we will be the best possible versions of our parenting selves if we have one child to focus on. If he has to be hospitalized again (which is just an unfortunate reality of mental illness as meds stop working occasionally), I'll be able to give her all of my love and focus.

An additional OAD perk I was discussing with my MIL - the mom of 5 - is that she didn't sleep through the night for 10 years. His youngest brother is 7 years younger than him. Every time one kid was out of diapers and had an established sleep schedule, there was another in the wings waking up. That woman was sleep deprived for an entire freaking decade. Then had teenagers and then BOOM her daughter had a baby at 18 and lived with her and it was back to no sleep for my MIL. I'd like to sleep at least 6 straight hours at least some of the nights of the rest of my life.
 
@davidminhmang Oh wow. Yeah my brother is on the spectrum and he still doesn’t have great sleep at 23. He lives with my parents so occasionally their sleep is disrupted even way past adulthood of their children.

Then I had severe vomiting and nausea from week 5 of pregnancy until 32 weeks. Then occasional nausea and continued aversions until week 37 when I gave birth.
 
@84lutheran The vomiting is the worst. Idk how women make it past that to have a second. And how the dads want to repeat 4-9 months of watching their SO vomit and helping them. My hubs cleaned up so many bodily fluids while I was pregnant
 
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