@gineke Heavily policing a child’s food intake (labeling food “healthy”/“unhealthy”, restricting food or certain types of food, lecturing the child on how much/little, when, and what to eat, etc) is actually more likely to create a harmful relationship with food that could lead to illness (mental/physical), especially eating disorders.
We want kids to listen to their hunger cues and eat when hungry, not ignore those cues and either go hungry or binge later as a result. It is okay to have cravings and eat sugar. Judging, shaming, or “correcting” these natural behaviors can emotionally charge food and create fixations or aversions.
If you are concerned about her diet, make sure she is offered well-balanced meals 3 times daily, allowing her to follow hunger cues by eating until satisfaction—whether that includes a second serving or leaves food on the plate (forcing children to finish their food teaches them to ignore their body’s cues). Allow her to eat snacks when hungry, perhaps showing her how to make snacks that are easy and filling.
As for your concern about her activity levels, maybe see if there are any community sports she would be interested in pursuing. Games and socialization make exercise much more enjoyable. Since you are so active, maybe you could kick a soccer ball around with her, challenge her to a race, shoot hoops, or get a group (maybe include some of the other family members) and play freeze tag or frisbee.
Your concern should not be her body, as you emphasize, but rather her health. Don’t analyze her eating habits or draw attention to them by sitting your sister/parents down, but
do be sure she is offered a well-balanced meals with a lot of variety.
Do make sure she is offered enough food to satisfy her appetite. Don’t strain the importance of exercise or list it as another chore.
Do invite her to play active games and show her how exercise can feel good and enjoyable, helping us to feel strong and capable and bond with others.
If you are concerned about how she’ll be treated because of society’s fatphobia, make an effort to be a support for her—quality time, nonjudgmental listening, showing up for events that are important to her. Also, help her learn tools for emotion regulation (many resources online—examples involve deep breathing, grounding exercises, journaling). The concern isn’t changing your sibling’s body to stop bullying—kids can be mean regardless (although fatphobia can be especially difficult to cope with)—the concern should be uplifting her and teaching her how to cope with people who are unkind.
Another tip to help her feel more comfortable in her skin would be to make sure she has clothes she feels good in, that are both comfortable and stylish. Do her hair. Have spa days. Most importantly: affirm her. Tell her why you love her and what makes her special.
If your concern truly isn’t her weight but rather her health and her self esteem, pointing out her eating habits or over-analyzing her body and activity levels with your parents will only do more damage. Rather, spend time with her, encourage her, build her up, be an emotional support to her.
And if you want to be better informed so you can be an ally to her, do research on fatphobia and what adults have to say about their experiences growing up fat or “over”weight. We can learn a lot about how to approach these issues from those who have lived experience. Personally, I grew up thin and was woefully ill-informed in these issues; research and open minded listening were important steps in educating myself further (and there’s always more to learn)
One last thing: even with the “best” diet (what is “best” is different for everyone) and constant exercise, your sister could still be “over”weight. There’s nothing wrong with that. The word “fat” is tragically often seen as synonymous with “unhealthy.” There are many healthy fat people and many unhealthy thin people. As for negative health outcomes for those who are fat, don’t assume correlation = causation. Weight—high or low—can be associated with various health problems (for instance, being fat is often pointed to as cause for heart problems… when being underweight can be a cause for the same thing yet somehow that’s often overlooked…) Bias and discrimination play a role in the higher negative health outcomes for fat people. Fatphobia is a systemic issue.
Again, if you want to be an ally and a support for your sibling, I highly recommend learning more about fatphobia and make your focus developing a strong relationship with your sister.
