Should a 13 year old be out at midnight?

[katrina2017]

@historyincognito Next time, please don’t take her word for it and check with the parents. I surely don’t understand needing to go out that late to get food. One of the parents could have gone and brought it back

 

[noeasyday121]

@historyincognito At this age, it is a fact that you can't really stop her from doing whatever she wants, so resist the urge to control her behaviour and focus on helping her learn to look after herself. Every moment she spends thinking about whether she can get away with it is a moment she doesn't spend considering whether it's what she wants for herself, so avoid punitive measures. If you are somebody she can safely confide in, she will.

If you are worried about her immediate safety, it's fine to reach out and ask if she is okay. If you are worried about her long-term wellbeing, it's fine to talk to her about your concerns, but save it for an appropriate moment, perhaps when you are both at home alone and neither of you are busy. If you don't approve of her behaviour, you can say so, but put the emphasis on your concerns instead of making judgements about the behaviour itself, or her capacity to make good decisions. Ask her how she feels about her behaviour, and about your concern, and acknowledge what she is doing right. Acknowledge that she is a fully autonomous person, with the capacity to recognise risks and make good decisions on her own behalf, and ask her to let you know if she ever needs your help. If there is something she could be doing to alleviate your concerns, ask her about that too, but don't make it a demand. Even the most obnoxious wayward child will take steps to keep you happy if they feel like it's entirely their choice.

Good luck.

 

[historyincognito]

@noeasyday121 She's had risky behaviors in the last year so that's why I'm concerned. We are starting family therapy soon and she's in her own therapy since about August. Idk if her own therapy is helping though because she hasn't really exhibited changed behaviors.

But I want her to be able to make her own decisions and me not make them for her (midnight McDonald's) so she feels like she has some type of control over her life.

 

[noeasyday121]

@historyincognito I'd be surprised if her therapist is trying to help her work on your goals. That's not really how therapy works. Even court mandated therapy doesn't work that way.

 

[historyincognito]

@noeasyday121 No but I'd think her therapist would agree that some of her behavior isn't ideal and help her work on that. It wasn't a request from me.

 

[noeasyday121]

@historyincognito This conversation reminds me of the day my mum marched me into my psychiatrist's office and told him that I was having sex. I was 14, and she expected him to explain to me why that's not a good idea, and convince me not to do it again. He told her to buy some ear plugs so that she didn't have to listen to the noise.

It's very unlikely that her therapist will comment at all about her behaviour if they think it's not good. That kind of feedback just isn't helpful, and it would be likely to ruin your daughter's trust in the therapist (make her feel judged, so she doesn't feel safe enough to be honest). Instead, the therapist will ask your daughter questions about what happened, how she feels about the outcome, and how she would handle it differently next time (if at all) to achieve a better outcome. The questions will be designed to help her develop new strategies and skills, so that she is more likely to achieve a better outcome, but your daughter will be the one to identify her own goals, and as far as possible, come up with her own strategies to achieve the outcome she is looking for. It works because the motivation to change comes from her, and she is more likely to be able to put her strategy in place if she is the one who came up with it. If the therapist makes specific suggestions, it's usually because they have some special knowledge or expertise that's relevant to the situation. They won't be trying to guide your daughter towards what they consider to be better behaviour unless your daughter has already identified that as a goal.

It's fairly likely that one of your daughter's goals will be to get along better with you, though. The therapist will have a fair idea of what your perspective might be as a parent, and they are likely to advocate for you simply because that will help your daughter understand how to achieve a better relationship with you, but your daughter has to be driving it.

You're much more likely to get the results you're looking for out of family therapy, because you will all be working towards the same collective goal. Don't expect the therapist to just take your side though; they will give both(all?) of you stuff to work on.

 

[christtoulese]

@historyincognito I feel like any 13 year old doesn’t really have the self control to choose to not stay out. Then add in the risky behaviors, and I think you’re expecting too much.