Setting up a routine isn’t a priority right now

[patersonchristian]

@terrastorm My biggest regret with toddler was stressing over trying to make things work because I thought I had to do them or I’d be harming him. Turns out a lot of parenting advice is opinions and preferences.

I’m someone who struggles with schedules. I stressed so hard over wake windows with my toddler, thinking I was failing him. It led to a lot of crying in the dark as I kept him awake too long or tried to make him sleep too soon to match the schedule of some hypothetical baby that he wasn’t. Now with his baby sibling, I pay attention to baby’s sleepy signs and try to support them by giving him quiet and comfort (often babywearing because that’s the most peace we can get while I’m chasing toddler!). Sometimes it matches wake windows appropriate for his age. Sometimes it really doesn’t. But either way, I’m far less stressed!

 

[pchris]

@terrastorm Your expectations with a 2 month old should be that the baby is clean, dressed in something (mostly jammies) and fed and loved. That’s it. The rest is background noise. My kid is now 10 months and in a great routine, but it didn’t really develop until closer to 4 months, and even then I was pretty loose with it until sleep started going to shit around 9.5 months - she’s since settled back down with sleeping (think it was a regression) and I’m back to being loose with it - perfect for Christmas as I have no stress! 6pm nap? Whatever! It’s Christmas! And I’m so much happier. Don’t live and die by wake windows or nap times - it’s a miserable time.

 

[katrina2017]

@tony717 This! I needed a routine for my own sanity. We called it a flexible routine, not a rigid schedule. It worked well for us, but it’s not for everyone!

 

[kayla220]

@tony717 I’m going to give slight push back on saying it’s not for your baby. Studies show that routine and a predictable day is what creates security and safety for them. 2 months is definitely too young to have any of that down yet but it becomes extremely important when they become more aware of their surroundings

 

[tony717]

@kayla220 Maybe. But are those routines for the baby or for the parent. Meaning babies, children of course learn their surroundings and what life is, from their parents. So if you feel secure with a routine, they do, if you’re pushing a routine because you think it’s for the baby meanwhile it’s causing you anxiety, what you’re doing is just causing anxiety. I would also argue going with the flow, IS a routine, because the flow you’re going with is your baby’s wants and needs. Agreed, especially at this age. We called it a rhythm, not a routine.

 

[kayla220]

@tony717 Yeah I mean you obviously go with your child’s cues. I just know what I’ve researched and what has worked for me and many other parents I know. My son’s behavior changes massively if he is out of routine. Mind you by routine I mean same nap times, same eating schedule, and same bedtime and routine. I know so many new parents who just feel it’s impossible or they don’t see the value in it.

 

[tony717]

@kayla220 I’m not disagreeing, what I am saying is I think your mood changes too. I think you change. There is a point at which kids like predictability, but I think the predictability is still there if you’re going with the flow, because the flow is whatever your baby wants, there’s a rhythm in even going with the flow.

 

[lorilu05]

@terrastorm He's only 2 months...by the time you figure out a 'routine' he'll have changed and evolved. I'm doing the same.

 

[kittehluver]

@terrastorm We did the same thing and our almost 4mo is kind of carving out her own routine. I’m just paying attention to the patterns/rhythm and we’re slowly trying to queue them up so they can be a little more structured. But also still adapting when a day doesn’t look like most other days. It’s easier for us than getting frustrated when she doesn’t follow our schedule.

 

[terrastorm]

@kittehluver Thank you for your insight!

How thrown off is your LO when the day doesn’t look the same as most? That’s what happened yesterday for Christmas Eve. We were at my parent’s house and he wound up staying up a little longer than he normally does, because he was so interested in what everyone was doing. This, however, turned into a 2-hour long crying session when we got home, due to overtiredness.

 

[mercedix]

@terrastorm Over tiredness is so hard to figure out how to manage so don’t feel bad. If you have daily overtired crying sessions then that’s something to try to change.

It’s one 2-hour crying session that’ll be a blip in all of the experiences over the course of the year and not even noteworthy by the time your kid is going to school. This is what I tell myself.

 

[kittehluver]

@terrastorm She definitely gets over tired, but between her being a relatively good night sleeper and us being diligent of keeping our room (where she sleeps) dark and quiet at night, she’s queued pretty well to settle down. It doesn’t always work, but it definitely helps. Sometimes we just have to ride it out, though. Which sucks and is exhausting, but I just try to remember this isn’t forever.

 

[catolico]

@terrastorm We just hit 13 months and FINALLY have a solid routine/schedule. And even then, some days it gets completely thrown off, like when he decides to wake up at 5 am instead of 6:30.

At 2 months, you are still in the shit. Right now you are killing it if you are doing everything you can for yourself AND baby. (And some days “everything you can” literally means you took care of the baby and watched trash tv the whole day.)

For us, it was so much easier to work around his schedule and let him set his own routine. Then, once he got into daycare he really started falling into routine and it helped a ton. Now we know he naps around 11/11:30 and will nap for AT LEAST an hour if not two. Then he either takes a second shorter nap around 4 or we tough it out and try to make it to bedtime at 6:30 at the earliest. Some nights the 4 pm nap means he doesn’t go to bed until 8:30, and that’s ok! We at least know what to expect.

It helps with our mental health too. We know going out to eat during the week for dinner is a dicey game, but we also know that once baby is down we have time to chill or clean or do whatever we need to do.

Long story short: do what works for you. If following your baby’s cues is working, great! If it’s not and you need a routine for your mental health, great! But you are NOT going to mess your kid up. Literally the only way to mess them up right now is harm or neglect them and you are obviously a caring parent who will not do that. Give yourself grace, don’t read the internet too much (I never let myself stress about wake windows or leaps bc I knew it would just spiral for me), and remember - some days giving 70% IS giving 100% of what you can give and that’s ok. You are clearly a very loving parent who wants what is best for your kiddo so you are CRUSHING IT.

 

[screensaver11]

@catolico

And some days “everything you can” literally means you took care of the baby and watched trash tv the whole day.

Thank you for this. As someone who is learning not to see my worth through my productivity, I needed to hear this. Literally some days all I have energy for is keeping up with my newborn, pumping, cleaning bottles and staying awake while watching trash tv on the couch. And that’s with my husband helping out as much as possible.

 

[hadasssah]

@screensaver11 6 weeks PP here. Just commenting to say this is us, every day. The laundry is about 6 washes behind. We haven't vacuumed in 3 weeks. Oir baby's needs are our only priority now. Other than that we consider it a win if we eat a vegetable or maybe get out for a short walk with her.

 

[catolico]

@screensaver11 I am the queen of “things must be done and they must be done now” and man, being a mom has made me change that perspective. Be kind to yourself. This shit is HARD. My entire maternity leave I had the tv on all day watching survivor, love island, all the good trash shows. We need the mental break. Give yourself grace, you are doing such a great job and im proud of you, fellow internet mom

 

[loreec]

@terrastorm Who is doing a routine for a newborn. Sounds like they’re lying. We didn’t have a routine until my son was literally nine months old

 

[cleo721]

@loreec I did at ~1.5 months, but mostly because the pediatrician wrote it out for me, lol. We didn't follow it perfectly, but it helped for me to have a structure to aim for. If the baby is hungry, I don't starve her until it was time. And if she's sleepy, I let her sleep. But offering her food at 'food time' and attempting sleep at 'sleep time' really helped us a lot. It was good to have a framework to go off of.

I have severe ADHD, though, and have always primarily compensated by following schedules and routines. For many people, though, doing those things is just one more thing to track, and nobody needs that with an infant.

 

[loreec]

@cleo721 That’s not really a routine that’s just normal caregiving

I’m talking about RIGID Nap and meal times

 

[tradesman]

@loreec I think probably this misunderstanding is what’s driving OP’s experience. We didn’t have any sort of routine we set but we did tend to find ourselves doing certain things at certain times naturally. Like the baby tended to sleep best between 12-6am so we all went to bed at 12. Obviously not a routine our paediatrician gave us but a routine of sorts nonetheless