Sadly coming to the conclusion that the feeling that a second would break me isn't subsiding and kiddo is going on 4.5

[muya]

(Edit- sorry for the accidental spam. Didn’t mean to post this 4x. Phone said error so thought it didn’t go through)

He’s started to have challenging behavior frequently, like arguing with us about everything… he even exploded “I h*te you!” after being mad that he tripped the other day. It’s just exhausting. Still. Even though he can entertain himself for some chunks of time now.

In a couple months my thyroid should have finished stabilizing (like it’s been trending towards for the last 6 months since a Graves diagnosis), so my doc should clear me to be able to try again, but I imagine the amount of stress a baby would add, and I can’t shake the feeling that it would be a terrible idea. I told my therapist today that biologically I want another but intellectually I don’t. I would love to see him be a loving big brother. But I am afraid if I just “yolo” it, I’ll be thinking all the time, “I knew I shouldn’t have done this”.

 

[lostparent]

@muya "Biologically I want another but intellectually I dont"

Damn I feel this.

I see babies or families with multiple kids and want another, but I'm barely making it through the day now.

 

[muya]

@lostparent Yeah, it’s the worst paradox.

I look at sweet baby videos of my son or see an adorable toddler and I want another one of those right now. Then I remind myself that I was so depressed back then (and felt trapped) that I literally made a post about hating my life most of the time And then I go- but I could have a daughter and name her Margaret So I have to tell myself it wouldn’t be a girl it would be 100% be another boy, (probably a little on the spectrum and adhd like my son who I love loads but it’s not the easiest thing)

 

[magdalenab]

@lostparent Wow, finally a way for me to put my feelings in to words. I think my intellectual side of my brain is going to beat out the biological side and be OAD.

 

[webslave]

@muya Have you checked out the One and Done page? You will probably find it very helpful and give you some comfort on the decision.

 

[katrina2017]

@muya I don’t even think a second would break me… and I’m still one and done with a 3.5 year old. But yeah I also have those times of fuck it maybe let’s roll the dice!

Young kids are just hard. Even the easy ones are hard because they’re just immature beings. And then sometimes they’re easy for a few months and that’s probably when a lot of moms get pregnant! I really don’t think it totally settles down until 5 years old for most kids. For more difficult kids, 7. Can you wait? Have you been on team 2 kids until now or waffling? What do you feel most of the time?

 

[debi13]

@muya Oh yeah, I feel you.

I went YOLO and I’m now 21 weeks with my second.

But like you I have an older kid (5) so I just think how much easier it’s going to be compared to having two under two or some chaos like that.

Watch out for biology, though. That’s what gets ya.

 

[johnbiggs]

@muya As far as YOLO goes, some people say YOLO and have another but I went the opposite way, you only live once so why have another if it would make you miserable? Having another baby would be 18 more years of parenting, made twice as hard by having 2. That's 18 years of my life that I'll never get back. If I stay with one child it's easier to have time for myself, easier to travel alone and as a family etc. If I only have one that means I get to have a child and a family but I also get time to myself to do art, exercise, get pedicures, see my friends, go on adventures and see the world. I'm not just a slave living day to day wiping butts and making lunches and losing it yelling because I can't take it anymore. If I only have my one who is healthy and wonderful, would I risk again having a child with special needs? What would that do to my life? I took the risk and rolled the dice once and I won the jackpot. That's when you should walk away from the casino. I think one and done parents truly can have it all. Of course sometimes I still wonder what it would be like to have another but I only live once so why take the risk? Why give up my freedom and happiness? Why switch life to hard mode when I am killing it on medium?

 

[muya]

@johnbiggs The “why sign up for life on hard mode” really resonates with me. However when I bring this up to husband he accuses me of being lazy. So I feel like there’s something wrong with me for not wanting to suffer for 3 years in order to bring long term happiness and love into our family.

 

[trinityeze]

@muya Oh honey, no. You are NOT LAZY! Parenting is fucking HARD. It’s hard work. Especially to do it well. His response to you is shocking, tbh…. Like, my brain wants to ask, “Is he always this dismissive and disrespectful to you?”

I dont want another child (I’m solidly OAD), and it’s because I see how much work, effort, and sacrifice it takes to have a child. And I’m totally ok with acknowledging that I don’t want to take on that work load for another so many years.

 

[muya]

@trinityeze Thanks. He didn’t say it quite so bluntly… but when I realized I was on the spectrum and more noise and chaos might overwhelm me for that reason, he replied basically that it isn’t an excuse and you figure out ways to cope. He’s on the spectrum too but instead of shutting down when he’s overwhelmed like me, he explodes and yells, so, protecting our kids from that is one of my big reasons too.

 

[trinityeze]

@muya I HATE when people say, “You just figure it out!” From my experiences, that just means that i’ll have to figure it out, on my own with little to no support. Sorry, that just bothers me so much!

I would say it’s not an excuse; it’s a valid reason to not take on more than you know you can handle. Knowing your limits is a valuable thing. It protects you, your kids, everyone. Healthy boundaries are good for everyone. It sounds like maybe he’s struggling with a lot of social pressure to have more, even when all the signs are pointing to not have more.

 

[muya]

@trinityeze No, it’s not social pressure- he’s always wanted more than one kid. He is very empathetic and is/was good at comforting/soothing babies and kids. However I have always been the one primarily responsible for caring for kiddo somehow. Like, I feed toddler, then I clean up after toddler because I “let” toddler make the mess. He insisted on me doing the night feedings even though I lobbied for alternating nights so we could take turns getting good sleep. He would mix the bottle up and hand it to me and roll over and sleep. Because he wanted us to bond and my ppd (or the Zoloft I took for it maybe?) made me detached.

 

[magdalenab]

@muya Just the other day, my mom was trying to persuade me to have a second. I told her i don't want to give up my free time, more money, or my happiness. I said I don't want to be stressed more than I have to. She said, "If you don't want your life to be difficult and hard, then don't have a second". Yeah mom, exactly, I don't! There's nothing selfish about that. She had 2 kids and it's almost like she wants me to suffer like she did.

 

[jamalh]

@muya I have the opposite issue. I know I have a tendency to opt for hard mode so need to be sure I’m not leaning yes in part for that reason. Because even though I do it, I know it’s absurd.

 

[dhawk]

@johnbiggs I’ve been on the intellectual no/emotional yes fence for a while now and this the most compelling post I’ve ever read. It feels like you just explained my life to me. THANK YOU.

 

[callin_on_ya]

@muya Graves is so hard during and after pregnancy. That alone would make anyone second guess another.

 

[chosen44]

@muya I feel this in my core. I don’t think I’d be half as patient and understanding if I had a newborn trying to parent my 2.5 year old. I’ve always said I want two children but I’m really starting to think hmm maybe not.