r/regretfulparents is a sobering & important reddit to read through when waiting/fencesitting

J

jasonvr

New member
r/regretfulparents is a subreddit filled with very honest & empathetic people, many who love their kids but did not realize the true weight of their actions. You do not need to be a parent to join, but keep your comments to yourself unless you're expressing empathy/support for the parent. This is a very transparent space accepting of all feelings these parents have. As it should be.

This is important to read not only to appreciate the time we have solo/with a partner, but also the magnitude of choosing the right partner.

A large percentage of these posts are people regretful of their choice in partner or having kids entirely as it forced the relationship to the brink. Some are literally only there until the kid is 18. I have had close friends deal with the fallout of such parentage. It's heartbreaking for everyone.

So please. I know time feels like it's slipping away, but the choice to have a child is the most life-changing event of your life. & who you choose to procreate with (especially with roe v wade overturned), could make or break your future.

Be selective. Your deal breaker are important. Being a parent opens every wound you both have. Therapy is so fucking important. Fix yourselves before you bleed on your kiddos.

And educate yourself on just what you're doing. Prepare. Theres no such thing as too much.
 
@jasonvr Thanks for sharing.

I can totally understand this. Working in child protection gave me the same realisation sadly. Working on yourself and your relationship is so important always, before and after ttc.

It makes me feel so reassured looking at this sub and seeing how much work people put in to making sure they are ready for this journey. The fact this sub even exists shows the commitment to being 'ready'.

I suppose to some extent we will really never know how having a child will impact us. Relationships can change with pressure. But being aware of all this is so important.
 
@puddin I appreciate your comment.

I studied some classes in social work and the emotional & psychological energy that job requires is... a fucking ton.

Thank you so much for your profession and the time you had in it. My best piece of advice to all wait-ers and friends has been to work on yourself first. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. None of us get out of childhood unscathed. We all need to learn healthy communications and coping skills. It's the nest foundation. & couples therapy thereafter.

I love watching people on their journey, I am so excited to be a part of this place even after graduating, I just can't imagine leaving, ive spent so much time here I want to give back what I can.

I agree that we never really know how a kid will change us. We have no idea what unknown insecurities/annoyances we have lol But I love listening to parenting podcasts (Unruffled by Janet Lansbury), she answered submissions by real parents and it helps me try to get an idea of what question * I * will likely have.
 
@jasonvr Just read some of the top posts. I see a mix of abusive relationships, really underprepared parents, and people who are over extended with no support.

This community is one of the most organized and prepared on the topic, so while I can see what you are saying about dealbreakers (especially not expecting people who seem reluctant to have kids to suddenly step into a thriving role as a parent), I don't think people in this community should be particularly surprised at the content in that sub. Especially on topics of budget, living life before having kids, and time commitment - that's kind of what this group is all about, so I'd be surprised if those factors come up for people here.
 
@willy_b Hi! Thank you for your comment and thoughtfulness!

You are right that we are definitely a group of overthinkers and planners, but the best of book readers doesn't make up for the finality and less-talked about reality of having children.

If the subreddit doesn't help you thats totally okay! Ive been planning for 5 years and have many friends with kids but reading the stark truth of childbearing always helps root me in just what im planning for and it has effected our timeline to make sure we are prepared mentally for the challenge.

I do not believe in being too-prepared when it comes to other people's perspectives and their lives, so if this post helps one person, I count that as a win.

Especially for the very young people who have those strong urges for wanting kids NOW. This can help them realize what happens when planning doesn't occur or even when the best of plans fails. Why experience in life can help. And for me, it's helped me realize what a good thing waiting has been, instead of my negative feelings on yearning for a kiddo. I can be grateful for my past choices.

Thanks again!
 
@emzyb Reality, for some, can be a lot different than the picture-perfect idea we are all lead to believe comes with parenting & life.

Plans often go awry, so preparing for as many situations as we can is good, but we have to realize that shit happens. And kids make things a lot more complicated.

We are all in this together though!
 
@jasonvr I checked out this subreddit and it seems like a very negative space for people who probably wouldn’t have been happy either way… one woman said she thinks women who want to be moms were raised to think they have no self worth. Moms make this world a better place and it isn’t an easy job and it’s okay to complain but the comments are not helpful…
 
@jinsun I dont know how you could look at a subreddit meant for mournful regretful people who need a space to vent and expect "positivity." The sub isn't FOR you. If you don't appreciate their transparency then continue forward. I hear what you mean by not positive in that some people don't always offer advice/empathy. But many do. To me, the solidarity and connection the people have is the positivity.

But many of those people are doing the best they can with the choices they've made. The space is a needed area for them to feel safe.

Yes, people there will have strong opinions, some feel like they were forced into motherhood by society/family. So I can understand their comments for sure.

Some moms do not make this place better, some use their regretfulness and hatred to abuse their children, so I would argue that not all mothers do that.
 
@kyjojo I just think that subreddit is a negative space for people to be spending there time. I get they are struggling and they can vent or go to a friend but as a stranger we don't need to be around more people being negative about life.
 
@jinsun It's not possible to talk to random acquaintances and find people willing to talk about the regret of having a child. It is taboo. This subreddit is the PERFECT place for people to meet and compare notes with others like them.

How is them having their space hurting you? Are you not secure enough in your own decision that you can allow space for others to express regret?
 
@jasonvr I’ve read through a lot of those posts in the past and couldn’t agree more.

Edit: a lot of the parents in that group have kids with severe disabilities who will never be able to live independently on their own. I really feel for them.
 
@jasonvr I have been reading through regretful parents and it’s helped me a lot! Just to read new perspectives is really eye-opening. My husband and I are currently on the fence but want to make a decision one way or the other fairly soon. I think that on social media or when we’re around people with kids, we see the happy and sweet moments. Regretful parents helps to balance that out so we can see both the ups and downs of parenthood and understand the trade off.
 
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