@pheonic I think you’re off to a great start if you’re already asking questions like this! I had 26 weeker twins that were in the NICU for 14 weeks and we went through all the NICU levels. I’ll just kind of go through the best nurses we had and the worst.
The best:
- explained everything and always checked to see if we needed more information. If we did or if it was something she didn’t know, she’d reach out to the dr and usually get us information within the next day or two or if something major was happening, she’d help coordinate the doctor being there personally to answer questions even if we missed their rounds.
- formed a personal connection
- encouraged me and my husband to do as much as we could to help with their care
- suggested new things we could do to feel like we were getting the “normal” newborn experience. Ex: on Valentine’s Day she suggested and helped me do a mini photo shoot with our twins and our wedding rings. She took time on a slow day to take foot prints of each kid. She suggested I bring in books to read every day and helped me figure out ways to “customize” their isolettes so we didn’t have to look at the same space all the time.
- she even took time to look up information for our preemie baby book
- basically the best nurses used slow time to help us bond with the kids - sometimes when you’re a nicu parent for a long time you feel like they’re the hospitals baby and you’re just borrowing them. Her methods went a long way to make us feel like the parents.
- she was super supportive when I decided to give up pumping, or really Any any decision I made
- when I went back to work so I could save my maternity leave she helped me feel less guilty about only being able to see them for an hour or two a day
- she really emphasized self care
- strongly supported me when my breastmilk supply wasn’t coming in and I decided to stop. I’ve always been in the “fed is best” camp, but it was incredibly emotional and hard to stop, even if it really was for the best.
The worst:
- questioned us constantly: to my husband asking if he was “leaving already”, to me - and I can’t tell you how many times this came up - questions about my breastmilk supply “is that all?”. Please NEVER ask that. It broke me a little bit every time because I felt like I couldn’t do much for my kids but i should at least be able to give them breastmilk.
- on breastfeeding: suggest a lactation consultant, but never offer suggestions on how to improve supply unless they ask. I always appreciated suggestions when i asked for it, but at the end of my pumping journey, I was power pumping and drinking tea and eating cookies and drinking water and all the things and I just couldn’t increase my supply. Having a nurse that I didn’t know well offering any suggestions just wasn’t helpful at that point. Even the lactation consultant told me that i had done everything thing I could.
- questioned my decision to stop pumping
- this one is from my husband: hovered specifically when he had the kids. He may not have been able to physically be there as much, but he needed to be trusted with the kids more. He’d ask for help when he needed it but the hovering made him feel like he was less of a parent.
- talked down to us when they thought it was a dumb question
- joked about being the mom - there is no context where that is ok
- constantly corrected us. Different nurses do things differently and after being in the nicu so long we figured out which methods worked for us and our kids. Correcting us if it was dangerous was fine, but otherwise if no harm is being done then it just made us feel less bonded
- not listening to us. I saw my kids every day, I learned a lot and then best nurses would trust me when I said something was off - the worst would ignore it or dismiss it. I identified a few issues earlier than they caught it (even if I didn’t know what the issues were exactly) just by knowing something was off.
The main thing: it’s hard and scary and emotional no matter why they’re there or how long they’re there. Nurses who were compassionate and cared - that always came through. It’s a rollercoaster of progress and setbacks that for some can go on for months. The best nurses helped us grow into parents while encouraging us to take care of ourselves. And when in doubt, ask the parents what they’d prefer. I always appreciated that consideration.
You’re going to do great!