Quality over quantity?

J

jesusisking123

New member
Anyone else constantly getting asked or judged about not having multiple?

My daughter is only 13 months, but because my husband and I both have several siblings who have multiples, it’s like we’re supposed to do the same or we aren’t as good of a parent. I don’t know when that became the goal?

To me, I focus on the quality of time and the relationship I can cultivate with my daughter. I feel that the more kids I have, the less time I have for each and the less of a relationship I would be able to have. So I don’t necessarily think multiples is right for everyone.

I’m tired of the remarks or people shoving in my face that so and so has x amount of kids and are a great parent. That’s great for them, it’s not about the amount though. My parents had 5 kids and I can assure you they weren’t great parents.

I also am technically a SAHM. Once she came, my husband and I realized that we both work super demanding careers and I wanted to focus on her. I was lucky to work it that I can be with her all day long and focus solely on her and the home—then work nights/early mornings and weekends to still help financially. I get a lot of flack that you can’t be a stay at home mom if you only have one kid. That is sooo ridiculous to me. It’s not about the quantity of kids, so if I had 2 it would be more acceptable? I want my daughter to know I’m there for her and I want to be there for big moments in her life. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have the opportunity to stay home, and I think it’s so unfair to make it seem like I’m lazy if I stay home with 1 kid. The reasoning I stay home for one is just as important as the reasoning as other peoples. No offense, my mom, mil, and sil all have multiples and all stay home and if you ask at least 2 of them why, it’s not at all about the children but about the cost of childcare. That’s totally valid and I know some people really need that, but for me, it was about my daughter.

Also really hate the remarks that you must not like being a parent if you don’t want another!?! What? Actually it’s the opposite, I’ve loved every minute of being a mom and want to continue to. I don’t want the added stresses that multiple kids would bring, the guilt I would feel not having enough of me for all of them. I’m so happy with our life right now and don’t want that to change.

Idk if anyone else has this experience?? It’s so annoying.
 
@jesusisking123 I'm a SAHM with one. People keep being like... "what are you going to do when he goes to kindergarten." Answer is - whatever the fuck I want. I stay home with my son because I really really want to. I still want to after he goes to school. When he starts kindergarten, I'll still need to pick him up at 2:30, take him to after school activities, etc.
 
@jesusisking123 I do not stay at home, but there was absolutely an expectation that we would have more than one from my husband’s family. My husband is one of 7 kids, and my in-laws have 20 grandchildren. We have only contributed the one. So our family definitely expected we would have more. As your child gets older, that does get better in my experience. We stopped getting guilt tripped/lectured/asked when our son was about 4-5. That and I had made it pretty clear that since none of them were going to pay for daycare/make up pension losses so i could leave my job to stay home, potty train another child for me, or be there when my husband was working out of town and I had two sick babies, that they could STFU.
 
@matteus Ha! She totally is. And hoping for some great grand babes in the next few years. One married and two engaged grand kids with weddings next year means she could absolutely get her wish in the next 5 years.
 
@jesusisking123 Haha, yes of course we get it. Thats like, a prerequisite to being the parent of an only, absorbing the pressure of society to have more. It is so annoying. I probably just have extra dense in laws because my family quit babbling about it years ago, but my bil without fail tries to convince my son that he should want a sibling. I mean, thats sick right? Like if my son decides he wants a sibling im just gonna, get right on that (eyeroll).

Im super proud my son has just as much conviction for being an only child as I of having one child. My bil tries convincing me as well, but I always turn it around on him & get pretty snarky about it (he has 5 kids, unhappily I might add), doesn't seem to prevent comments, but he does them more in passing now. Before he wanted to have whole ass discussions about why I dont want another. Thats pretty much dropped off now. Thank gosh.
 
@jamiex Thank you for this, I’ve had people say she wants a sister too, like she’s a baby, she wants a snack lol not another human taking her mom away.

I have also wondered if a lot of the pressure from others is because they want you to be in the same boat as them. Not to say parents of multiples aren’t happy, but I think some just want company in the chaos. One of my sil is about to have 2 under 20 months and she’s always saying we should have another, but at the same time complaining about how hard being pregnant with a toddler is and how she will not have time for both of them the same, etc and how it is so stressful and hard. But then she’s like “when are you going to try?!” Like you made it sound so fun, I’ll get right on that 😂😬
 
@jesusisking123 I am currently pregnant with my one and done and my husband is the one who is encouraging me to maybe not go back part time once she starts school. I know there's a lot of shaming women for staying home but it takes a lot to run a household and you should take pride in that. I'm going to manage our schedules the pets, cleaning, home maintance with in reason, and making fresh meals as well as the family budget. Child care is just too expensive and life has become just to expensive. It makes more financial sense for me to stay home for the family then it does for me to return. If someone asked me what I do all day I think they'd be surprised just how much work is always there.
 
@niaa Yes!! I think people think I nap all day or sit around. Lol I haven’t napped since before she was born and I am on all day long. My husband is WFH right now due to Covid so he sometimes is like “it’s okay for you to just sit for a sec lol” but I’m always busy with something!
 
@jesusisking123 We save so much money just on meals and food by me having time to price shop and meal prep. We also have no local family to rely on for back up childcare. All the activites or sick days are going to be on me. I wouldn't have it any other way but I hate the idea that stay at home moms are less than. I work hard for my household will work a lot harder once I'm not puking my brains out from pregnancy. 🤣
 
@niaa This is us! We live out of state from everyone and only moved here right before Covid and found out we were pregnant. So we don’t have anyone local to help if needed and with our careers it would have been hard to get work off and really didn’t seem worth it to miss out on time with her if we could afford it. We also save money with this arrangement, so it was kinda a win win!

I hope pregnancy nausea passes for you soon!!!
 
@jesusisking123 Yeah I love love love being a mom and being with my baby. When I go back to work it will be part time only for a while as well. I do get the sense that some people stop having more kids because they don’t like it but so not the case for me
 
@jesusisking123 Ours is literally almost 3 decades old. I can say that the “when are you going to have another“ does die down after yours reaches a certain age because it’s also not acceptable to have children spread out.

It’s not acceptable to have none and it’s not acceptable to have one and it’s not acceptable to have too many and it’s not acceptable to have the wrong spacing and it’s not acceptable to have the wrong gender distribution… I hope you’re getting the point that no matter what you do, there are always people who will think it’s unacceptable for some reason. Someone, it may have been the late great Betty White, said that there will always be people who are displeased by your decisions, so you might as will make the ones that please you.

We never intended to have more than one (at least I never intended to), but our pregnancy turned into an absolute disaster that was almost a worst case scenario (that is, dead mama and dead baby), which gave a very easy way to deal with people who could not mind their own damn business and stop harassing me about when we were going to have another. To whit, I would tell them in great graphic detail exactly what’s right to have a baby that is 10 weeks premature. Usually I would just say something like we chose quality over quantity or it’s good to know one’s limitations, but I had that in reserve for those who would just not shut up about their choices being so much better than our choice. (My husband ended up yelling at his parents that he preferred to have a live wife over the possibility of a second baby… some people cannot stop sticking their nose into your business until you forcibly shorten it for them.)

There are actually several threads in this sub about how to answer this question from relatives, which shows how annoyingly common it is.

DEATH says introducing the feline overlords as the kid’s siblings is another approach
 
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