Preschool? She just turned two.

[silentjohn]

I need some back and forth because my mom anxiety isn't letting me think straight.

So my daughter just turned 2 this month. Our only current care option that is affordable is a pre‐school that opened nearby. The told us a lot about how they are Waldorf/Vygotsky school and something about Tools Of The Mind... idk if any of that makes an impact, but I doubt it. What I do know

Pre-school/daycare under the age of three runs the risk of social/behavioral problems later in life, postulated to be due to disruption of attachment.

At age 2, a child is capable of parallel play, not much interactive play, and the more influential force of the school/care facility is the quality and quantity of attention she receives from the caregivers around her. Those are her real social connections.

Care with a relative is optimal.

Full days are too much for a toddler. 30 hrs a week is the max shown not to have a detrimental effect on development and behavior.

Now, the situation is this: the school will not accommodate for half days. They do however accommodate for partial weeks, 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 days a week. I have an exam lurking that I can choose when to take (the USMLE). However the prep requires full days of study for several months. There is no "slow and easy" approach to the exam, as it is heavily dependent on short term memory. If I can complete all 3 sub-exams in the test (two 8-9 hr exams, and a shorter one) within a year from now, I can look for employment POSSIBLY in fall of 2024. If I don't get done by October of next year, I will be looking at the 2025 application season. So, I'd really like to be done ASAP.

My daughter is 2 but a bit advanced psychosocial skill wise, and cognitively. She is still just a normal 2 year old. She can do 3 word sentences of she wants but it's mostly one/two words or just whining/crying when unhappy or uncomfortable. Sometimes she can verbalize what's wrong, sometimes not.

We tried a half day yesterday. We got there at nap time, and she wasn't too thrilled being cradled n shushed by a stranger and being encouraged to sleep. She cried once and I went in and reassured her, left her to attempt to nap again. She was unable to settle and so her teacher let her color quietly for the rest of naptime. She seemed content, so I came home. She had 3 hours there without my presence. She seemed fine in the evening and slept early, but woke in the very early morning with nightmares. I was soothing her for about two hours, during which she was staring ahead and intermittently nodding yes at nothing. So I surmised she must have at one point been cajoled into agreeing to something that she couldn't vocalize she wasn't comfortable with.

Now I'm sitting here at 9 am, and idk if I can take her or not. She's not really interacting with me, but she's also sleepy so it could just be that. I asked if she wants to go, she nodded yes, but she's two and idk if she knows what she's talking about. I feel like I was overzealous in thinking that since she's a tad advanced she'd be more like a 3 year old and be able to adjust.

I know staying home is ideal, but I can't do that without a major sacrifice in my career path, and I just don't know. Her wellbeing is my foremost priority. Am I being dramatic or am I exposing her to too much too soon at her detriment?

 

[trinimanda]

@silentjohn Since this is science based - what sources do you have for the statement: "30 hrs a week is the max shown not to have a detrimental effect on development and behavior"?

I live in Sweden and the norm here is that a child is home with their parents for 1-2 years (18 months is very common) and then they are in "pre-school" while their parents work. While some work part time, a lot of parents work full time after the initial adjustment period. According to your statement a lot (really a LOT), of swedish children would have developmental and behavioural issues. Which may be the case but I really doubt it.

 

[silentjohn]

@trinimanda https://criticalscience.medium.com/on-the-science-of-daycare-4d1ab4c2efb4

Behavioral issues, now that I think about it, largely depend on culture. A given behavior, like being loud indoors, might be a behavioral problem in one part of the world and not the other. I was pretty anxious when I posted this, just mom guilt getting the best of me.

 

[brodon]

@silentjohn This is not the case here in Germany and especially in the former "socialist " East where Universal pre-school education was "free as water" to quote a colleague who grew up there.

Our groups are small (12 kids was considered "big" for 3-6 yo) and the teachers have I think 2 years of training.

A good friend is the director of a special needs pre-school. She is having real problems with "pandemic babies" learning to socialize, follow instructions, do what the group does, and get along with others. The self centered and fearful behavior is a real problem in her job right now.

The discussion in the media here centers around families (fundamentalist religious or low education immigrants) who don't send their kids to preschool and these kids "not being socialized" when they start first grade.

Just FYI, and I think the research may be centered on the United States ? I saw one mention of Quebec.

I'm an American living in Germany so have a direct comparison with friends and family there and here. As the article mentions, income is a huge factor in the US. That's a result of the peculiar and by no means universal "system."

 

[godseconomy]

@silentjohn Nothing to add but anecdotes, but my son started a 2 day a week preschool around 22 months and I was sooo nervous that he was too little. Like everything, it was an adjustment but looking back now (it was a year ago), he grew and learned so much from being there (and away from me).

I trusted his teachers and their professionalism and education really showed throughout the year. My son loved it. Now he goes 5 days a week and is SO happy.

If you can swing a shorter week, maybe you could start there.

 

[pnku002]

@silentjohn In my experience, transitions are hard no matter the age. You certainly shouldn’t draw too many conclusions from just one day. I’d say give it a couple weeks to a month and reevaluate.

Anecdotally, my little brother and I both started pre-school at age 2 and are both fairly well-adjusted adults, lol. Good luck, and try not to be too hard on yourself! You’re doing great!

 

[brodon]

@silentjohn My kids loved preschool. It's normal here in Europe and subsidized. After most people's parental leave ends, and both parents are working again, 1-3 year olds join a nursery, then preschool from ages 3-6. 6-8 hours a day is normal.

Every preschool does a long adjustment period. The parent stays with the kid for up to two weeks, longer every day, then leaves for a short period.

My older kid was a very wakey, fearless and curious baby. She started nursery school at 15 months and loved it. She almost always cried at the "saying goodbye" song because she wanted to keep playing! The clear structure of her day did her good. Btw she was talking long before she could walk, using baby signs with us. She didn't need any adjustment time.

My younger kid is likely autistic but, like his sister, developmentally advanced. He's much more shy and fearful. He also loved his first nursery school, and REALLY loved it when he got to switch and join his sister in the bigger one. Adjustment was harder for him but he loved big kids and especially the rough-housing type male teachers.

I don't know what the preschool told you but good social interaction is good for small kids! And Waldorf is a special kind of new age belief system; their ideas aren't based on actual science.

If you have a good feeling it really is ok, mama. A happy mama who's able to work and study knowing her little one is having fun is a good mama!

 

[jfleming0525]

@silentjohn My toddler started at 18 months. I am a SAHM but she was extremely social and we had a good secure attachment so I felt like she would benefit from the routine and social Interaction of other kids and adults. The nursery she went to was down the street from us and she would go for 3.5 hours and be home for nap time.

The transition was difficult, she would cry at every drop off and again when she would see me at pick up. She was fine in between and would play with the other kids and interacted with the adults. Her sleep was disrupted and she was extra attached when she came home.

I was on the verge of pulling her out and waiting until she was a little older, but one day she just stopped crying and was actually excited to go, and would keep asking to go to school and would actually walk herself into the building instead of being carried. She knew all her classmates names and would talk about them constantly at home in an excited manner.

I think as long as they get quality time at home and have a secure attachment then the benefits of being in a structured routine environment with other kids is a positive, especially if the care takers are kind and compassionate. While they do parallel play at this age, my daughter still loves being around other kids.

Some kids settle right in and others take a while. Maybe discuss with the school ways in which you can help the transition be easier for kiddo. Sometimes they need to latch onto one adult that they build a trust with in order to be able to feel comfortable being there without mom.