Partner has 2 girls (3&5). Excited to become involved, but 0 experience w kids. Are there any resources that could remotely prepare me for this??

C

christina93

New member
Things are getting serious with the two of us, and I'll be meeting the girls soon. I intend to be a positive, supportive figure in their lives (he is divorced, so their mum is also in the picture and they will share custody. They get on well) and get fully involved.

I'm excited about the idea of kids, but I haven't had any of my own (I'm 33F). Only a couple of my friends have recently become parents, and none of my siblings/cousins have had children yet. I'm a bit scared about being dropped into a completely new world and wanting to get it right so badly!

Could you guys recommend any books or other resources that might go some way to helping me prepare to enter a parenting role for kids this age, or to help me understand their needs and communication at this developmental stage?
 
@christina93 After the kid gets to 3 years old, things get progressively easier in many ways. Instead of a book kind of resource, I'm going to give you two or three tips about interaction and communication that will help you immensely:

Talk to the children as if they're a little bit older and smarter than they are. Always be willing to listen to what they have to say - sometimes it will be silly, but they need trusted adults who they know will hear them when they have real difficulty. And when you talk to them, get physically to their level, which often means squatting and looking them in the eye, or sometimes just sitting down next to them.
 
@christina93 I don't have time to write a long response, but I'm a stepmum to a 4 year old and I've been part of his life since he was 14 months old. It is incredibly challenging but also incredibly rewarding.

It's worth joining the stepparents subreddit and join some stepmum groups on Facebook if you use it - they are great resources for support and advice.
 
@christina93 Most importantly: Take it slow. You don't have to jump in and be full mom right away. They have a mom. Get to know them. Find things you have in common with them. Maybe a hobby or field of interest. Use that to bond with them. Connection needs to come first.

Those are fun and exhausting ages. my kid is 4. He understands a lot but also needs a lot of guidance of course. So I try and explain my reasoning to him and I also try and give him agency in things that I believe he can decide. Like, whether to cut his hair. Or what to wear (unless fully inappropriate for the weather). I strongly believe that I can and must give advice but some things you just have to figure out yourself. Like "if mom tells me it's too cold for only a T-shirt, she's usually right".

I also pick my battles. This is what I'd recommend for you, too. Especially since you've got the "You're not my mom!" looming. (Which you probably will encounter at some point or another, but don't let it get to you.)

So there are some things I'm obviously strict on. Safety, for example. Cannot be compromised. But there are also plenty of other things, that I'm rather lenient on or prefer to lead by example and not threat. Like for example apologizing or saying please and thank you. I want him to be polite, but I want him to understand why and to mean it and not just say it because I force him to.

You could check out Janet Lansbury, she has some very enlightening insights into little kids' minds and what can and cannot be expected of them. She's got a couple of books and also a podcast.

Also, have a talk with your partner about his parenting. What are the things that are really important to him and why. So, for example, if he and/or his ex are very strict about sweets, maybe it's not smart to try and be the cool stepmom by sneaking them candy.
 
@christina93 As the child of divorced parents who had many a step-parent growing up .. listen to them. Use your ears and eyes more than you use your mouth. Show them you care about them. And if you love their parent, love them as your own no questions asked. Just be careful not to overstep. Communication with your partner is key. But most importantly listen to them.
 
@christina93 You should watch at least one of the Frozen movies before meeting them (at minimum listen to the songs). Instant conversation topic. Girls this age are obsessed with it!
 
@bluuangel Haha they haven't seen it yet! Sadly for me, I have. Maybe I'll get lucky and steer them down the Tangled path instead, but I'm pretty resigned to my fate on this front ;)
 
@christina93 IMO there is no book or resource to teach you how to be a parent or step parent. It takes a lot of communication between you and your partner, especially considering he is the parent. Take his lead in how active he wants you to be. Make sure you know his parenting style and go with that.

For example: My sisters ex boyfriend was really strict. My sister can be strict but for the most part, she gives my teenage niece a lot of room to prove she is trustworthy. There was tension between my sister and her ex because of how he treated my niece. He treated her like she was a prisoner practically. Can’t wear that, can’t go here, can’t do this or that.

As a stepparent (or future stepparent), it’s extremely important you know the parenting style of your partner. Sit down and discuss it. How active does he want you to be in discipline? If one of his kids does something he doesn’t approve but only you saw it, does he want you to address it or does he want you to tell him so he can address it? Communication is extremely important.
 
@katrina2017 No I absolutely agree I can't just learn it from a book...just looking for somewhere to start so I can feel a little more prepared and not like my poor guy is going to have to teach me everything!

Absolutely on board with communication with him (and them) as the foundation for all this. Thanks for your insight!
 
@christina93 This may have been said but don't step in as Mom. Let your partner take the lead on all things and just support what they decide. This especially matters with discipline. Even if the kids curse at you (totally had this happen) just calmly tell their parents and let them handle it. Treat them more like little sisters than children. Little authority lot of love. Good luck and congratulations 😎👍
 
@christina93 My two cents from a divorced father of 4 and stepson of 1.

Don't try to replace their mom, the kids will make that determination if you are more of a mother to them than their mom. For girls this age I might suggest being more of an aunt than mom.

Don't pressure the kids to like you, they will come around to you if you are positive and encourage them and listen to what they talk about and they will return it.

As others have noted - Communication with your partner regarding the girls is important. He is their dad and being the custodial parent has the final say.

Last thing - Don't talk bad about their mom, this is brought up in divorce things a lot. Parents too many times bash on the other in front of the kids and it isn't good behaviour, the kids sometimes will mention it to the other parent and it becomes a point where the kids are in the middle on a parent spat. If the kids want to rant and rave about their mom, that is up to them, but stay calm and don't get in the middle, let their dad and mom work it out.
 
@christina93 I have a little experience here...I’ve been a stepchild, a step mom who didn’t have children of her own (until I did have kids), and now I am a divorced mom who’s daughters have a step mom of their own (she has no children of her own).
  1. I was lucky that my step-daughter’s mom was very welcoming to me, I believe that helped my step daughter accept me better. However, I was quite young (only 22) and didn’t really have much for self awareness. Understand that all emotions are valid, even the ones that kind of suck. The girls might experience jealously having to share their father, and you might experience a bit of jealousy yourself. It’s ok. Just recognize it and find a productive way to work through it.
  2. Kids can be a bit hard (especially so young) when you’re not used to being around them so much. If you find yourself getting irritated (it’s totally normal- mom’s feel it towards their own kids hahaha), just take a break. Go shopping, have a bath, take a walk or a drive alone, go visit a friend etc. You’ll feel better after a breath of fresh air and the girlies will get some quality dad time (which is important as well).
  3. Don’t force anything. Just allow the dynamic to unfold naturally. Don’t feel bad if you don’t feel love for them immediately, or if they don’t seem to feel it for you. Step relationships take a bit of time to get to know each other. This also means don’t go overboard to try to get them to like you. It’s cool to do fun things with them, or buy them treats and stuff, but they will grow to love you through spending quality time with you.
  4. Be patient. It’s not a race, it’s a marathon. Address problems as they come up, work together with necessary individuals (mom/dad/the girls) to find healthy and appropriate solutions that will respect everyone. And have fun!
Best of luck! 💖
 
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