Partner and I beginning to think we are the kind of people that never should have reproduced [CW: infertility and multiple losses]

[thecurioustchristian]

I’ll try to keep the details to only what is relevant, as this account is obviously a throwaway, and I want to remain anonymous-ish. Also, I don’t want to write a novel — I have ADHD and know that a wall of text rarely gets read.

My partner and I have suffered multiple pregnancy losses over the past few years, all of which had complications and one of which caused a massive hemorrhage. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure after my last loss and was told I would not be able to become pregnant again. However, a few months later, I did spontaneously conceive twins.

The pregnancy was managed with Lovenox to prevent another loss and had no complications until 30 weeks, when I was put on bedrest for preterm labor. I delivered at 38.5 weeks via C-section two weeks ago and am recovering well. I’m a small person and don’t have to tell any of you how miserable I felt during those last 8 weeks or so.

However, my husband and I are past the honeymoon phase of being excited and happy to have finally brought home living babies after so many losses and setbacks. Now I am wondering if having children was a huge mistake — not because my twins are anything but loveable and perfect, but because both my partner and I spend so much time being frustrated and downright angry.

My husband has said one of the twins is a nightmare and last night told her to go to hell, “from whence she came” — which, in hindsight, is kind of funny, but the comment was said with such anger and resentment that I immediately started crying because my heart was so hurt for her. He’s made similar comments over the past week or so, as well.

On the other hand, I threw a bottle of formula at the wall early this morning when one of my twins (not the hellborn one, to be clear) fed for 10 minutes but wasn’t actually drinking anything. And I’ve yelled one of the twins’ names to get her attention during a screeching fit (obviously, not effective — she’s only two weeks old, and I was only yelling because I lost my shit).

So clearly, neither me nor my partner are being parents of the year or — most importantly — the parents that these sweet girls deserve. I went from feeling bonded and happy with both twins during the first week to absolutely dreading any time I have to feed either one or put one down for sleep.

Feeding is one of the main sources of frustration, as my milk never came in after my C-section, and both twins take foreverrrrr to finish a bottle. One of my twins even cries while she eats, which is.. confusing and frustrating.

Sleeping is, obviously, another main source of frustration, especially since one twin remains active during sleep (snuffling, grunting, briefly crying, etc.) and therefore sleeps less and feeds more, while the other twin conks out and can sleep for up to 3 hours.

Last night, one of the twins didn’t sleep at all and basically cried the whole night, so both my partner and I are on the edge this morning. Neither one of us would ever physically hurt the babies, but I also feel like both he and I have not been as nurturing as these girls deserve. Last night was a breaking point.

I don’t know what I’m asking. Maybe for advice on how to keep my shit together? Maybe for reassurance that just because I don’t like my twins (but do love both fiercely) right now doesn’t mean I’m an awful parent? Or maybe even confirmation that I am an awful parent and need to do x, y, and z to mend my ways?

Please help. I want so badly to be a good mother to two tiny human beings who just need love (and lots and lots of formula).

 

[ricesheepy]

@thecurioustchristian I don't have any sage words of advice, only my own experiences, and I didn't want to read and run. My girls are my first (and last!) babies. No amount of advice or tales can prepare you for twins. They are HARD, and you are in the trenches right now. I remember in those first weeks losing my cool just as you describe. They would take 2 hours to feed, and one had feeding problems. By the time we were done it seemed like it was almost time to go again. I remember shouting at one twin to shut up, only to burst into tears because she was a newborn baby who was helpless and didn't understand. All she knew was that she was hungry, tired, lonely, whatever. I felt like a bad mum, like I wasn't cut out for motherhood. You will lose your cool. I still do sometimes. But, with time and self reflection, I'm much better at reminding myself that they are babies and can't tell me how they are feeling or what's wrong in any other way but to cry. I also accepted that some times the best thing to do is put them down somewhere safe and walk out for a few minutes to collect myself. I guess I'm just saying that you aren't alone in how you're feeling and reacting. I've been there too, as I'm sure many of us have. If you want to chat drop me a message. My girls are now 5 months and I'm coping much better.

 

[raine93]

@thecurioustchristian You’re in the thick of it. What you and your husband are experiencing is totally normal. It does get better with time. These all sound very cliche but we were there about 2 yrs ago. My husband was so frustrated one day he yelled at one of our 2 week old twin boys who was just screeching and inconsolable. Our relationship was strained for at least a year after they were born.

Some things we did that helped were: we both got noise cancellation headphones ( you can still hear them but it takes the edge off the crying); shift care- we split our days into shifts and we both had uninterrupted rest time from baby care; and take help from friends and family when offered ( after this pandemic is over of course).

Shift care also helps each parent to have at least one night of full sleep to help recharge your battery. If you’re both staying up all night and all day taking care of the babies, you’ll flame out very fast. If you’re unable to handle two of them on your own for more than a certain amount of hours, then start your shift with those number of hours. So for example, say you can only handle them for an hour at a time, then give each other several one hour breaks throughout the day and at night. Complete break. Either go outside the home or somewhere within the home away from the babies.

For the feeding issue: probably speak to your pediatrician about sensitivity to the formula. We had to change formula 4 times for one of our boys before the screeching, grunting, and sleepless nights stopped. It took almost 2-3months of trial and error to get there. Eventually we settled on Nutramigen which is crazy expensive but was the only one he could tolerate.
Hope you find relief soon.

 

[adamdudley]

@thecurioustchristian You ARE a good mother. You’re exhausted and frustrated and still recovering from the trauma of loss and twin pregnancy. Give yourself some grace!! None of us are ever the mother we think we will be before we have these little people. You will have terrible days when you are ashamed and appalled at yourself and you will cry and get your shit together and try again the next day. I only have one right now- and am pregnant with twins. I never thought I’d be the mom that yells at her toddler but guess what? I do. I know all about child development and gentle parenting and I still lose my shit. I was a daycare teacher and I thought I had this in the bag. NOPE. And I can guarantee that I will have a bad attitude sometimes with the twins too. This is motherhood, my friend. This is the hard shit. I don’t have experience with multiple newborns yet so I can’t give you advice on that, but I didn’t want to leave your post without telling you that YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER. I know how awful it feels when you think that you’re not. You got this, Mama. I believe in you.

 

[kay11]

@thecurioustchristian Hey mama, you're doing a great job. Twin mumming is brutal, gruelling and relentless. especially at the beginning. It does get easier, I promise. It sounds like both you and your partner might be suffering from pnd. Please seek support from your gp or there's help lines that can help you. You've got this.

 

[lija]

@thecurioustchristian Sounds similar to what we went through. It is so hard. Super demanding, and you are in the thick of it. My wife delivered at 31.5 weeks, and the twins were in the NICU for four and five weeks. When the first came home, we were tired but ok. The wheels came off with the second. The good news is that it gets easier--I promise. Mine are almost nine now. You can do this. You're both tired and frustrated, and you have two new roommates who are very needy. It's hard, and even now I remember how hard it was. You will be ok.