Parenting help

[weirdscience89]

My daughter just turned 11. I believe some (if not most) of this is hormonal. But I’m at a loss at how to respond and how to handle this.

These typically happen when she has things out of routine - like a birthday party on the weekend for example. Particularly if she’s not gotten enough sleep or if she’s done things a few days in a row. Here’s where we are right now…. Oh for context she’s the third of 4 kids. 2 older brothers, 1 younger sister.

Last Friday to Saturday she had her birthday party/small sleepover (only a few girls stayed the night). Saturday was fine. Nothing dramatic. Sunday, the kids asked that we could use our passes to go to the amusement park. It was packed and hot so overstimulating to say the very least. We hadn’t planned very well but we did tell the kids we would be leaving before dinner as we don’t have food plans for the park. It’s too expensive to eat there. Also we told them we wanted to get a cake for J’s (older brother’s) birthday.

They got in line for a roller coaster whose estimated wait times were way off. What we thought was going to be 45 minutes was an hour and a half. So my husband went to get the van while I stayed and waited for the kids. We do have a drink pass which the kids requested but those lines were crazy long and by this point it was almost 5 pm (so we wouldn’t be home until 6:30 to even start making dinner). We stopped at a water fountain where all the kids got a drink and were happy (okay - not happy but understood the situation). This is about where the fun starts.

We start walking from the back of the park where my daughter starts up with “why can I get a drink?” Over and over and over and over again. I had already explained all of this. The other kids explained all of this. This continued for the entire 5+ minute walk to the van. We are all ignoring her and just walking. Fine. Let’s go. We get to the van. And she refuses to get in. I’m like - great. With all the security and everyone around I’m going to look like I’m kidnapping a child if I pick her up kicking and screaming. I was like - you had better flipping get in this van this second (you know the whisper screaming through clenched teeth).

The trip home was just attitude and refusing to buckle her seat belt. And kicking seats and talking over anyone that wanted to talk, etc. Then we got home and she cried for four hours straight. She had her ups and downs. I knew she was thirsty and hungry and tired but she refused anything. She would come downstairs occasionally to tell us how terribly unfair we are.

Well - her brothers are getting to go to the amusement park today (mostly because they’re old enough to be dropped off while she isn’t). But even if an adult was going I don’t believe I’d let her go today. But since last night she’s been carrying on and on about it. It’s just awful. Thankfully it’s below tantrum level. There’s not much screaming or throwing things. There’s just sulking, arguing, crying, refusing to do anything at all (she and I are home from church today because of this), and generally being very mean. She’s being mean to her dad and I, siblings, the dog…

I’m at a total loss here. Any ideas?!

 

[thankfull4grace]

@weirdscience89 My 4 year old has autism so I know she is a little younger but what you described almost sounds a lot like autism. She memorizes and gets in her head how things should go and if something is out of whack or she does too much she has these problems. In fact she repeats things over and over. Even when you respond the first time. Truthfully what helps me is she has therapists that are pretty good at working with her and will tell us things to try.

 

[holywheeler]

@weirdscience89 Yo, I have a 9 and an 8 year old who both behave like this. 1 boy and 1 girl. Both have both autism and adhd.

For my daughter it went to to 100 out of ten when she started approaching puberty.

Your kid sounds neurodivergent. Seriously. Go see someone who can diagnose and teach you how to deal with it

 

[thankfull4grace]

@holywheeler Thank you that was what my exact thoughts. Either has something or was spoiled but autism was the first thought in my head.

 

[zas]

@weirdscience89 I’m neurodivergent and at that age (or even now for that matter) a “spur of the moment” trip to something like an amusement park would throw me into a tailspin. I would need at least a week’s notice to be mentally prepared for that. It would never be a “let’s just go do this” type of thing. I struggled a lot also with feeling incredibly guilty for not being able to enjoy “fun” things that others seemed to love but created anxiety and emotional chaos for me, which then led to a spiral of self-loathing, which would often result in a tantrum like what you described because I didn’t know how to express my feelings, and no one knew why I was acting that way, so no one could console me. She just needs time and more planning and to be taught how to understand how and why she is feeling the way she is.

 

[trout11]

@weirdscience89 I mean. You let her get hangry and dehydrated and physically worn out from being in her feet in the heat and sun all day, after a sleepover where I imagine she didn’t sleep as much as she normally does. Any of those conditions can throw her system out of whack and lead to emotional dysregulation.

I say you let her because she’s a child - she’s has a child’s judgment skills and cannot buy her own food or drinks. Next time, you as the adult need to make a plan to feed and hydrate your child. You need to set your child up for success (and teach her what you’re doing so she can learn to do it for herself as she becomes more capable).

The sulking is probably just being 11 and realizing the world is an unfair place.

 

[fastedandprayed]

@weirdscience89 Sounds extreme

My oldest is 11, so not much help on if this is "normal" or hormones.

when my 11yo gets in a mood, it usually only last an hour or so, but she has to do "calm down" activities (deep breathing, writing in her notebook, coloring) then come back and talk it out and try to figure out a solution. She's not allowed to hit/kick or be rude.