Older siblings of Reddit - what was / is it like for you to have a younger sibling?

[ericak101]

I am leaning towards having a second child because I would like my son to experience the positives of having a sibling (having shared memories, being able to look out for each other as children and as adults, etc.) However, I am also aware that there are downsides to having siblings (less attention, less resources, jealousy, etc.)

I am the younger sibling in my family and thus do not know what it’s like to have a younger sibling. My older brother has always resented me and this gives me a lot of hesitation about having a second child. However, I think my parents did not foster a healthy relationship between me and my brother, so I also wonder whether our outcome could have been better had they done a better job (I was “the good child” and they were very hard on my brother, probably due to undiagnosed ADHD). My husband on the other hand has an older and a younger brother and he considers his relationships with his brothers to be some of the most significant relationships in his life. I love my son. He is very attached to me and my husband and I want what’s best for him. I am on the fence about what, exactly, the best for him would be.

I would love to hear some of your experiences regarding what it was / is like to have a younger sibling. If you have a good relationship with your younger sibling what do you think contributed to it (e.g. do you think your parents did anything to nurture that good relationship)?

 

[thestudentlinda]

@ericak101 My little sister is 5 years younger than me so I have memories of being an only child. I was happy being an only child and I am happy being a big sister (though I've wondered what it would be like to be the younger sib).

The first few years of being a big sister was a bit difficult for me because I was used to having 100% of my parent's attention and care so I got jealous. And it was a little annoying having my little sister always wanting to tag along with me and my friends when I was a preteen.

Overall, I love my sister and we had a good relationship when we were kids and still have a good relationship as adults. We don't talk often, but when we do, we can pick up where we left off like how you do with good friends. I think our parents fostering a good relationship and their emphasis on family being important helped. But pure dumb luck helped too (how our personalities turned out, life experiences, etc.).

Even while saying all that, my husband and I are likely OAD because I think my mental bandwidth is optimal for one kid. I could handle two if I had to but I don't have a strong urge to. I love my only and don't want to divide my love, attention, resources, etc. I'd also rather use the bandwidth I'd use to raise a 2nd human being for other things. I'm the type of person who would rather regret not having another kid vs regret having more than they could handle. Some people are the opposite. Neither type is better than the other - they are what they are. You gotta figure out which type you are.

 

[4jesusl0ver2]

@ericak101 My brother is 2 years younger and we have a really good relationship. Of course growing up we would fight at times but overall got along well. As adults we are very close. I consider him to be one of my best friends and even though we live far away from one another now we still talk on the phone 2-3x per week. We have similar personalities and senses of humor which helps.

 

[whittney1234]

@ericak101 I have a 5 year gap with my little brother. We got along well as children, I would be happy to take care of my baby sibling. When I got a little older and hanging with my group of friends, I was annoyed by the fact he would want to follow me everywhere and his poor little 4yo self was quite heartbroken by the rejection and loneliness at that point. Then during teenage years we weren’t very close. I was first of my class and played music, and my younger brother struggled in school with adhd, and played video games so the clash couldn’t have been greater. I think his self esteem was shot by the fact that our parents made a great deal of academic success, they kept comparing us, and towards the end of the teenage years I became sort of the third parent and it created distance between us. Now as adults we don’t really keep regular contact, we are not close but not in wrong terms either.

All in all I think this was a result of our individual personalities and also how our parents raised us. However even if we are not close, I appreciated growing up with a sibling. I myself wanted a second because of that and they are now 4 and 1.

 

[jonahua]

@ericak101 I was 2 when my brother was born so I don’t remember his birth or anything, but legend had it that I was THRILLED. I was obsessed with “my baby”. We were very close up until high school when we were both bratty teenagers and just fought sibling style often. Now we are not exactly “close”, but we get along fine and see each other fairly often. My sister is 10 years younger so I remember when she was born. Again, I loved my baby. It was tough to be close in the classic way due to the age gap (I was a teen when she was a toddler), but we have always gotten along and love spending time together. She is my son’s favorite person and I think he’s her favorite person too.

I loved growing up with my siblings. Even when my sister put her dinner in my brand new purse and my brother made me late to school because he couldn’t get up in time. The good times outnumbered the bad by a lot and now I look back at the bad times and laugh

 

[cbdbrian]

@ericak101 I have two younger sisters. One is 15 months younger and the other is 5 years younger. I have a relatively good relationship with both of them but there have been a lot of issues between my sister that is closer in age to me over the years. My parents did their best to help out in our sibilino relationship but I think a lot can come down to the personality of the child/sibling and is out of the control of the parents. Having two kids that close in age was not planned by my parents but I know that my sister has a lot of issues and blames my parents for how she feels like she grew up in my shadow essentially and we were always doing the same things. My issues with that sister essentially boil down to that I think she is verbally and emotionally abusive toward me. I have finally decided to put some boundaries after decades of not having any.

My relationship with my youngest sister is great but also we barely spent time together growing up due to our large age gap. My close in age sister and I did everything together and even shared clothes.

 

[shicomi]

@ericak101 I have three younger brothers - one is two years younger, and my half-brothers are 18 and 23 years younger.

I have - at best - a strained relationship with my oldest brother that I grew up with. We either got along great or were fighting a ton growing up. He’s a problematic person as an adult for a variety of reasons. I still care about him certainly, but he’s challenging to be around.

I get along much better with my younger two brothers, and I doubt it’s the age difference - I think our personalities just jive a little better. The youngest one and I in particular get along very well and we’re probably the closest out of all four of us.

I think partly it’s a mixture of nature/nurture - fostering good sibling relationships is super important and I think my dad and stepmom did a much better job of this with my half-brothers and I than my parents did with my oldest brother and I. But also with 4 very different personalities amongst us, I think my oldest brother just happens to have the most challenging personality for me to be around.

I have enormous affection for all my brothers. Sometimes they annoy me, but mostly I love them lol.

 

[avillarini]

@ericak101 I'm one of four. I will never speak to two of them again - completely cut off 11 years ago and the sibling I am in contact with I have nothing in common with. As a child, if you had asked me what I would have preferred, I'd have told you I wished I had more time with my parents.

The main point is that unless you have that same undying longing for the second as you did with the first, don't do it.

 

[portingal]

@ericak101 I think you’re approaching this from the wrong angle.

The decision is this: would you like another child? There is nothing wrong with saying yes or no. However, what you cannot do is predict what your children’s relationship with each other will be like.

 

[rufus]

@portingal Wise comment. We should only have another child if we really want to, not based on the assumption that they'll be good friends. That might or might not happen.

 

[mae7282]

@ericak101 I have a younger brother with a 3y age gap.
He ist one of my best friends.
I loved him the moment we first met in the hospital after his birth.

Yes, we did fight a lot as kids. But we also played a lot together.
Also through (especially my) teenage years we were not so close.
We are very different in our personalities. But because of growing up together we have a lot of shared interests and often understand each other without a word.
I always loved being an older sibling and wouldn't change anything about it.

I think what helped our relationship was our parents always teaming us up together while recognizing our different needs, personalities and interests.

 

[raymondven]

@ericak101 My brother is 4 years younger. I was insanely jelous, I gave him a lot of shit he didn't deserve but he was always so sweet to me. The jelousy wore off about 5 years in but he became a little jerk so I ignored him. By the time I was a teenager tho we were best friends and 20 years later we still are. He is the first to hear all my news. He is the one I send memes, jokes, and songs to. I think he is probably the best sibling anyone has ever had. It took a while to get there but I am the luckiest big sister ever. I am glad he forgave me for being a jerk as a toddler.

 

[hischildinoregon]

@ericak101 Here is my take: I am the oldest of 4. I would say I have excellent relationships with my siblings now, and they are my closest friends. Also, sometimes there is drama. People cause drama because life is messy, and nothing is perfect. I think it’s common for children to wish their siblings away when they’re younger, and also for children without any siblings to wish they had them. The grass is greener. Ultimately, my childhood wouldn’t have been any better without my siblings- my parents are who they are and I don’t think it would have changed much if they had less kids. Sure, extra money may have gotten me ballet lessons or something, but I wouldn’t trade the people in my life for that. I will say that my parents were intentional about us being nice to each other, forgiving each other, working it out, being patient with the younger ones. I’m sure that helped because resentment wasn’t allowed to fester when we were young. Not to say there’s never issues, but we always work through them.

 

[tobyw]

@ericak101 My younger sister and I are 15 months apart. I have a half-sister 7 years older than me.

My older sister and I were not very close growing up (very friendly terms now). She was the only child of a single mom for 6 years before my mom met my dad. So I think there was a bit of negative feelings when she wasn't the center of the world anymore. That was gone by the time I was a teenager. We got closer after she moved out of the house.

I wasn't old enough to remember life before my younger sister. We were always close. We did the same activities, wore matching clothes, and got the same presents at Christmas. My parents tried very hard to treat us equally, so I think that helped.

 

[marimona]

@ericak101 My sister and I are 9 years apart (different dads) I love her with all my heart but I wish we could’ve had a smaller age gap. (This is actually why outs are 2 years apart). It feels like we’re always at completely different points in life and I had to care for her a lot since our mom was a single mother and had to work a lot.

 

[athanasius88]

@marimona This is what happened with me & my two siblings- one is only two years younger, we’re extremely close but the youngest (11 years younger) I just never got THAT close too.

 

[athanasius88]

@ericak101 Okay so I’m (M) the oldest out of 3, my other sibling (NB) is two years younger then me and then the ‘Oopsie kid’ (F) is 11 years younger than me. I have ADHD, so I TOOK a lot of attention and with the youngest being born (also ADHD, and a couple other health issues)- my other sibling ended up getting a lot less attention. They were always the chill and quiet one…so when you have two (or even just one) disabled, high energy children, you end up on the back burner compared. That being said, I’m extremely close to my older sibling (they also understand that it’s no one’s fault how things turned out) but not so much with youngest- our relationships are completely different. So it really depends- having a disabled kid (which if your brother has ADHD, any kids you have are more likely to have it) means you will likely always have to get them more attention compared to others and that can cause a lot of resentment. You also can’t expect them to get along naturally- each kid is their own person & some people we just don’t get along with (youngest & I conflict a lot, we’re just but too high energy). With the youngest though, she’s a lot more dependent and isn’t reaching developmental marks as easy as me & older sib did. Having a sibling means you more likely to always have a playmate, which helps you reach developmental milestones in socialization, anger management (though I didn’t get the hang of that til medication) communication, and independence. BUT that effect doesn’t happen as much once the age gap gets too big- cuz when you have two younger children they work off each other differently than an older child & younger child. Also alot of little kids regress abit when they get a younger sibling, I did, it’s normal- don’t understand why tho.

 

[pazazpraisedancefitness]

@ericak101 I have one younger brother, 3 years apart. When we were younger (from when he was born to about 4 or 5) our relationship was okay and we played. But my life got torpedoed around when I was 7 or 8 (a lot of family issues) and for about... 7 or 8 years? We had a shitty relationship. Physically beating each other up, yelling, arguing, stealing each other's belongings, you name it it was happening. Once I was 15 or 16 and he was 12 or 13 our relationship started to improve when we realized our family was super fucked up and we only had each other. As adults, we're much closer! He's one of my best friends and his relationship with my son is so pure and wholesome even though he's awkward and has 0 idea how to interact with children lol. It really depends on temperament, life/family circumstances, personality meshing, all that nonsense. Just be prepared that it may not work out the way you think it will but ultimately it's your choice!

 

[boothea92]

@ericak101 I come from a big patchwork family and love all of my siblings, older and younger. I have two younger siblings and while it was rocky when we were younger, we're best friends now.

 

[abarfacnay1989]

@ericak101 I have 3 younger siblings. Tbh we didn't truly get close until our parents divorced & we pulled together to get through it. We chat a lot now, but all have very different lives.

Growing up my brother, being closest in age, would wind me up something rotten. I also resented having to be 'baby sitter' for my other two siblings during my teens whilst my folks worked all hours. I might be in the minority, but our house was chaos. There were fun points, and I wouldn't change it, but it wouldn't be my choice.

I have 1 child and no plans for any more. I feel a little guilt over my decision, but I'd rather my child had the best version of us available than a sibling.