Older sibling sleep issues with new twins

[daystar123]

We’re due in 2 weeks with twins and my 3 yo son is just not sleeping well. He has his own room, a toddler bed, we have done the same routine with age appropriate adjustments since a baby.

We start at 7:30, do PJs, brush his teeth, and he reads 2 books and sings some songs and lays down, lights out by 8, and sing a few more songs and he’s left to fall asleep in bed on own.

He was a great sleeper after doing sleep training at 5 months old u til he potty trained. He had a really rough 2 months of sleep regression when he had anxiety about toileting in the night. That smoothed over and things had been good again.

The big change happened a few weeks ago: Daddy is the only one doing bedtime now that I’m so huge and tired and out of breath being almost full term with twins! He is jumping out of bed and running to our room every 1-2 hrs. He goes back to bed without fuss but then does it again. We quietly and calmly put him to bed a leave.

When the twins arrive, I imagine it will be just as much of a shocker to him if not moreso.

What have you guys done to help ease anxiety in an older child at night time? Or promote better slee for eldest?

I’m having a c section and my mom will be watching my son, but I just don’t really see how he’s going to “sleep train” during this period of so much change.

My mom will probably have my son sleep with her if he can’t stay in bed when twins arrive. We will be desperate for sleep!!! And as much as this goes against my philosophy, I’m wondering if I should just plan to have husband sleep in son’s room after my mom leaves, so I’m not getting woken up be older child AND twins non stop. I’m kind of freaking out how we’re going to make this work.

Heeelp pleaseeee

 

[osacar1]

@daystar123 Dude, you're due in two weeks, which could mean tomorrow. If it takes a little co-sleeping or Grandma in the room to get the older one through, so be it. You will find a rhythm again at some point but just plan for the next six months to be chaos. Impart your philosophy on the twins to get them into a routine and let your oldest slide for a bit - it is literally trauma for them. Whatever backsliding there is can be undone, just do your best to limit it and draw what lines you can.

 

[seakingjesus]

@osacar1 This! Getting through that first year is going to be rough. Do whatever you have to do to get through it. It will be shocking to him. Do what's best for your family. As long as they are happy, healthy, and fed. If Daddy has to sleep with him to help out so you aren't waking up with the twins and the 3 year old, do it! The twins won't wake up at the same time. You won't care where/how he sleeps, only that he does.

He's going to have an adjustment period for sure. Maybe give him age appropriate tasks to "help." What helped my daughter (6 at the time) was that I would set aside time just for us to do something. Even if it was grabbing a smoothie, or watching a movie just us. She's an amazing big sister and didn't have jealousy issues, but not being the center of my attention was hard for her. I told her to talk to me if she needs time with me, or if she's feeling overwhelmed.

 

[osacar1]

@seakingjesus

What helped my daughter (6 at the time) was that I would set aside time just for us to do something. Even if it was grabbing a smoothie, or watching a movie just us. She's an amazing big sister and didn't have jealousy issues, but not being the center of my attention was hard for her. I told her to talk to me if she needs time with me, or if she's feeling overwhelmed.

I could have written this exact paragraph! Rock on.

 

[daystar123]

@osacar1 You think the rhythm and sleep routine of a 3 yo can be picked back up in 2-4 months when we get twins more routine oriented? He’s never had any other sleeping arrangement (never co-slept or needed is to sleep with him in his room) so my worry is that he’ll use it as a sleep aid and then never be able to sleep on his own again! But that’s kind of catastrophizing a bit, I’m sure....

 

[gingerjeremy]

@daystar123 Contrary to what others are saying, I think maintaining routines with your two year old is really important. Once the twins get here, expect some regression from him. Big change always causes a little regression, but he’s also going to explore his new boundaries, as you’ve probably already noticed him doing since you can’t chase him down anymore.

If dad starts sleeping in his room, that’s going to be what he expects every night and you will have a bigger mountain to climb, only now you will have twins. Even more importantly, you are going to need help at night. It’s very difficult to get both babies on you to breast feed., if you choose to feed both at once. If you do one at a time, you are just going to burn yourself out without him being there to help and support you.

My three year old was terrible at sleeping until just before the twins got here, so naturally we were terrified at the thought of how things would change. So in the weeks prior, we got really serious about boundaries. Our bedtime routine became bath, story, song, and a kiss goodnight. Nothing more, period. If he went to sleep without getting out of bed he would get a token that he could redeem to watch his favorite dinosaur show on the iPad. That was the only way he could watch it. It worked really well. He did regress when the babies got here, but we stuck it through and he got back on track quickly.

That being said, what others say is accurate that it will be crazy for a bit (we are still there and I wonder how much longer). You are going to just give in and make sacrifices. You will have to learn to pick new battles and decide what things you can just let go for a while. For us, we chose to let cleaning go, but stuck to our guns on our older boys’ routines. Our twins are now 3months and I LOVE that kids routines are not something we have to sacrifice on.

 

[osacar1]

@gingerjeremy 3 yo. Which I think highlights an important consideration. How old is the sibling and where are they at in their habits? With OP, as their boy seems to be having difficulty with the routine, tighten up or lighten up. Not an easy question.

 

[summerbasket]

@daystar123 Plan to an extent, but the best advice I was ever given was to not plan for anything. Whatever the plan was, it rarely goes that way with twins, and just causes stress when things aren’t going according to the plan. Wing it. Play it out.

 

[pepey05]

@daystar123 Our oldest went through the same thing just before the twins were born. He was 2¾ at the time. For us, being really consistent was the key, if we give an inch he takes a mile, has always been that way. I worked really hard to sleep train him so there was no way I was going to give up on that when sleep was about to become the most precious commodity. We stuck to his routine like glue with dad taking charge. I made sure (and still do) to go in and say goodnight every night once he was in bed so the routine didn't feel too different.

Does he have a particular worry? Have you been saying anything new recently, maybe about how grandma will be there etc. I had a planned section too and we went over what would happen that day so so many times, we could all recite it in our sleep.

 

[daystar123]

@pepey05 I feel like you and me have a very similar kiddo. He’s very good at boundary pushing if we waver at all, and I personally really find he thrives best when we keep routine and no negotiations. We have been getting him used to the nursery and reading him books about baby siblings and telling him Grandma will take care of him for a few days...

Today, Dad took him to Target to pick out a new nightlight and toy to snuggle with at night. Maybe he just needs to feel like he’s special and getting some new night time “things”...?? I don’t freakin know.

 

[pepey05]

@daystar123 We did a whole bunch of stuff to help our oldest to prepare/adjust. We really played up anything helpful he did. We took him shopping so he could buy gifts for the babies. We made a big thing out of all the activities he could do while mummy was busy with the babies, lego, colouring, stickers etc, we called them table activities.

We asked family and friends to greet us, then oldest and let oldest introduce them to the babies. We also asked that if visitors were bringing gifts for the babies that they get something small for oldest, a big brother gift, just a magazine or new hot wheels. We asked that people spend some one on one time with oldest while they were visiting.

I always made sure that I set oldest up with an activity/film/snack before I sat down to feed the babies. Babies could cry for another two minutes while I settled the oldest.

I feel our tactics worked well, we only had one instance of jealously showing through and we didn't have an increase in tantrums that I remember.

You'll find your groove in no time.

 

[daystar123]

@pepey05 Wow thanks for the ideas, all very helpful!!

 

[angie28]

@daystar123 Can you get a baby gate for his room? I say this partially because when the twins get here, you guys are going to be crazy sleep deprived and constantly listening for a baby who needs something. A three year old underfoot while that is happening who is getting up every 1-2 hours could be torturous.

 

[daystar123]

@angie28 I’m thinking baby gate may be best option but the timing feels off. Like if we start using it this weekend, and on May 11 I have my c sec and gma watches him, how will that effect things? Baby gate may need to wait until we’re all home again at this point...

 

[angie28]

@daystar123 I only have twins (no older sibling) but it's intensely chaotic when you come home. I think for all of your sanity it's probably better to try and keep him contained and at least working towards staying put and sleeping before you unleash the chaos of twins. You could maybe give the gate a try though up until the 11th and if it hasn't "taken" and isn't getting any better just give up until you're all together again.

 

[yerin]

@daystar123 I would strongly disagree with this because of timing - two siblings come along and he gets barred in his room? He'll freak.

 

[daystar123]

@yerin I definitely don’t want to increase his anxiety. Hows your eldest handling twin siblings? Is it affecting his/her sleep?

 

[yerin]

@daystar123 Our twins are one month and I found that our 3.5yo went through a really difficult phase on the weeks before the birth ... like he sensed the change ahead. I would defo stick to usual routines he will be so much more reassured that his days stay the same.

 

[daystar123]

@yerin Oh here’s the answer to my question!

I think he is just sensing the change. We actually set up the bassinets in our bedroom and he’s been less anxious since then. Seeing a concrete, tangible evidence of where babies will sleep somehow helped him feel better maybe. He had been asking if the sisters were going to be in his room, which we had explained that no they will be in the nursery— and he’s helped get the nursery ready, etc! But toddler brains and logic make it tough to know how he’s processing the info. Maybe he’ll actually calm down when twins arrive... the last two nights have been MUCH better. We got him a flashlight, a new blanket, and a new nightlight. He has gotten up 2-3 times the last two nights. This we can tolerate. The every hour was not something we could do!!

 

[yerin]

@daystar123 They understand so much but don't have the words to express themselves yet! Mine was being impossible with me about a week before, I managed to sit him down and ask if he was cross with me because I had babies in my tummy. He replied no, but that he was scared that the twins were going to break my tummy! Poor thing knew they were coming but didn't know how ... so sweet and kinda broke my heart. So we had a chat about it and he was better after. I think it's easy to underestimate how much they pick up and understand and it helps a lot to try to give them the right words.