Not sure if we’ll be able to have another child and it’s making me feel so sad

[bubba8099]

I’m currently scrolling through baby photos of my daughter while she’s at school. I’m a mess with tears rolling down my face. How were these pictures taken 2, 3, 4 years ago? How?

We have one daughter who is almost 5. I always just assumed I’d end up having two children, relatively close in age. Maybe a couple years apart?

I experienced intense birth trauma from the L&D experience (which I cannot get into in this post) AND had almost 3rd degree tearing. She was just over 6 months old when the pandemic hit. I experienced intense anxiety over COVID for a very long time. It was not at all how I pictured any of it to be.

Fast forward. I have had the rockiest relationship with my husband for 3 years. I want to have another child but how can I when I’m in a relationship like this? Even if our relationship were to all of a sudden feel like the “old days” tomorrow for example, that’s still not enough for me to feel like I can go ahead and plan to be pregnant. Like there needs to be stability. I don’t know if this is making sense.

My daughter has recently been talking about being a big sister and I know they all do but it’s been making me feel so sad. I have intense baby fever, I feel like everyone around me is having kids and I’m not getting any younger either which makes me nervous.

 

[lizmoshes]

@bubba8099 My daughter was born December 2018, was just over a year old when there pandemic hit. I always wanted two or more but…. L&D complications and partner issues also made me realize it just CAN’T happen for my own health.

I grieved the idea of the family I grew up thinking I’d have but wouldn’t be for a couple years. Then my husband got his vasectomy about 2 months ago. My daughter is 5.5 years old and we’re moving forward with our family of three.

I hope you come to have peace with whatever form your family takes.

It still fucking sucks when life throws us these shit balls we didn’t see coming though.

 

[bubba8099]

@lizmoshes Thank you so much. I appreciate you sharing your story and the kind words. It’s so hard.

 

[karolinan]

@bubba8099 I’m sorry you’re going through this. I find myself in a relatively similar position but had my baby in 2021.

It was so awful I can’t risk going through it again and the impact it’s had on my relationship makes me feel like the situation is not, and probably never will be, appropriate to introduce another child into. I am left feeling like I have completely failed to demonstrate to myself and my partner that having a family was the right thing to do but the odds were just completely stacked against me. Now the chance of having a positive experience is gone. It big time sucks.

Thanks for sharing though it definitely makes me feel less alone to know others are in a similar space.

 

[bubba8099]

@karolinan Thank you so much. I wish it were easier for all of us. I appreciate you sharing your story also.

 

[anewday]

@bubba8099 My son was born in summer 2018. My pregnancy was scary as hell and I’m wrecked by trauma. I really wanted more babies but didn’t want to give birth when kids under 5 couldn’t be vaccinated against covid. I’m 40 now and I’m planning one more try to get pregnant, but I’m facing the reality that it’s probably not going to happen for me and that’s breaking my heart. I hate it when people say to be thankful for what I have, or suggest I “just” adopt.

Feel your feelings mama, this sucks.

 

[kendra29]

@anewday My son was born in July of 2018 too. Definitely don't count yourself out if it's what you really want, 40 really isn't old to be having your second, third etc!

Also screw the "just adopt" people.. as if they're speaking about a cat or a dog, not only is it traumatic for the kid and their bio fam, it's also extremely expensive and there's a lot of red tape

 

[bubba8099]

@anewday Thank you so much. I wish this wasn’t so difficult for all of us. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[helpme1508]

@bubba8099 My child was born overseas, pre-covid. Pregnancy was a breeze. I had an elective C-Section with a super supportive team. They played my birth mix, didn't strap me to the table, etc.

I had so much more autonomy to make requests during my pregnancy. Now, I don't think that would exist the same way. I've heard how much more (understandably) sterile the birth process was during the pandemic. And honestly, I don't think I could do it again. I couldn't start over knowing how little support there is in birth and beyond.

 

[bubba8099]

@helpme1508 I wish there was more support. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[agapejohn]

@bubba8099 I’m so sorry that really sucks and I wish it would’ve turned out better for you guys best wishes for your future

 

[bubba8099]

@agapejohn Thank you so much.

 

[jwmealy]

@bubba8099 It's hard. To maybe give a little hope my kids have 6.5 years between kids 1 and 2, and then 5.5 years between 2 and 3. I had a bit before 3 was born I was grieving not having a third before my husband changed his mind. I hope everything works out for you, one way or the other.

Also about getting older, a lot of women I work with (nanny/ doula) have been late 30s early 40s. I had a couple that were mid 40s!

 

[bubba8099]

@jwmealy Thank you for sharing your story. It’s nice to hear about their age differences. I feel surrounded by people who have 2 year (some even less!) age differences so this was comforting to read.

And that is reassuring about getting older. I’m 38 but I feel so.old. in this season I’m currently in.

 

[jwmealy]

@bubba8099 It's definitely hard to decide on and okay to grieve. I sometimes wish my kids were closer but honestly it's also kind of nice that the older ones can help a little with the baby while I use the bathroom or cook dinner.

 

[3rddayrisen]

@bubba8099 The baby fever is SO intense. My daughter was 2 when Covid hit and I feel you, it was such an intense and scary time to be a parent. I miscarried twice trying to give my daughter a younger sibling, first when she was 2.5 and then again at 3.5. It seemed like everyone at her daycare was showing up with a baby around then too. I'd go cry in my car after congratulating them.

If you're sure another child is not in the cards then go ahead and grieve, it is a loss of what you imagined. I had three years of grieving (during the miscarriages) and tried to make my peace with "it is what it is." Eventually I was able to carry a pregnancy to term and had a baby boy, 4 years younger than my daughter. If you feel like there's a way to get your husband on board, it's worth exploring. It sounds like that's your biggest obstacle. A 2nd child improved our relationship and was a lot easier than the transition to parenthood you have with the 1st. The 2 play well together, even with a 4 year age gap, giving us some much needed quiet time as a couple. But obviously there's no way to know that going in. I got my husband on board by finding out what he needed - it was 2 weeks away every summer to raft the Grand Canyon. FINE. Maybe see what your husband is wanting out of this one beautiful life and see if there's room for negotiation?

 

[bubba8099]

@3rddayrisen Yes, it was such a scary time. I’m sorry to hear about what you went through. Thank you for sharing your story. My husband is on board with having another child. He also really wants one. It’s our rocky relationship that’s the problem. I just don’t know how we can have another child when our relationship is like this right now.