New Partner Advice

[etlamb]

Hi fellow single parents. Hoping for some advice or hearing how you’ve handled introducing a new partner to your kiddos.

Some background: my ex husband and I had a very amicable divorce. We communicate and co-parent very well. We have been divorced almost 3 years. We have two kiddos - an 8 year old and a 7 year old. They are with me most of the time; he has them every other Thursday - Sunday.

After our separation and divorce, I met and dated someone for ~ 18 months. He met the kids after about 6 months. That relationship did not end up working out and I broke it off about 7 months ago.

Which brings me to my current situation. I have been dating a new partner for about 3 months. We are both late-30s, advanced degree professionals, know what we want, no BS kind of people. I know in my heart that this relationship is a long-term thing with a probability of marriage. (I guess when you know, you just know.) I’d like to start working towards him being around the kids but how early is too early?

Dating as a single parent is such a “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” situation. I don’t want to introduce them too early but at the same time, if the kids don’t jive with him, it’s a moot point. I could never be with someone who doesn’t click with my kids. And to be clear: he has not pressured me to meet kids. In fact, he said “I will be as patient as I need to be. I’m not going anywhere.”

So at what point did you introduce? Would you change that if you could?

Sorry for the long post. I am sure most of you understand the mental struggle that’s happening in my head right now. Most places say to wait a year to introduce but I think that’s quite a long time to wait to get the kids involved in such a monumental life event.

 

[oluwaseun]

@etlamb

After our separation and divorce, I met and dated someone for ~ 18 months. He met the kids after about 6 months. That relationship did not end up working out and I broke it off about 7 months ago.

It would be in your kids' best interest to wait a year to bring your new guy around them. Nothing wrong with bio parents looking for love after divorce, but kids don't need to meet every person their parent dates. Especially when it hasn't been a year yet.

 

[patricklentini]

@etlamb I would say, what ever feels right. It is important everyone involved is comfortable. I think that is the requirement. Time is an illusion.

 

[thenewblack]

@patricklentini Came here to say this. Do what feels right and what you think is best.

 

[azuthy]

@etlamb I’m going to say : go for it ! It’s SO important to see how your partner interacts with your kids… cares for them… puts them first. You will never know if they don’t meet. Start presenting him as a friend and slowly see how it goes. I know we want to protect our kids from a heartbreak… but we can’t shield them from real life.

 

[simongrant]

@etlamb I lost my husband after almost 22 years and at 19 months later I started dating. I decided to wait until both my son and boyfriend said they were ready to meet. They were ready before me but I believe it was about 2 months in. I think let you kiddo have some say if they want and are old enough. Mine was 10 when we started dating and we are debating living together. Been together 8 months but looking at just before the one year mark. I think everyone and every situation is different. I have debated if I should have waited longer but I jumped and so far so good

 

[thepresentsky]

@etlamb Not sure I’m qualified to offer advice but I think you should go for it if it feels right to you. You know yourself and your child best and you’ve been through this before so you know what’s the best and worst that can happen.
I lost my partner in 2022 and am a solo parent to my young son. I just started dating and am considering introducing him to my son maybe around the 3 or 4 month mark depending on how strong this continues. Sure he could get attached and hurt if things don’t work out but he could also get attached and be cared for by a strong positive male role model and that time can be very worth it as well. Who knows but if you’re confident about this relationship, lead with optimism and not with fear. All the best!

 

[102536]

@etlamb To be honest, I would say consult the other parent as well. Sure, it's your life, but the kiddos aren't just yours. I'm not saying ask for permission, but simply say I've been with those guy for this long and I think I am ready to introduce our kids to him.

But in all honestly, I would say 3 months is too soon. I couldn't give you a time stamp of when it would be acceptable, but it's a matter of opinion either way.

I will absolutely say that 3 months is way too soon to think about marriage. I know this is way off topic, but as a man, I really absolutely can't see any positives of getting married at all. I mean, it's like signing a contract that says "you can't leave unless..." I am not a fan. But again, it is completely unrelated.

Do whatever you feel is right, though. I would just encourage communicating that with the father of your kids. He don't have a say in your life, but reddit people opinions sure don't matter to your kids life's, but their fathers and mothers opinion does.

 

[talkchrist]

@etlamb In the one serious relation ship I (28M) have had since my ex and I seperated I introduced her in a setting with familiar faces at a barbecue my friends were having, that relationship didn't end up working out and of my two boys (7M) (4M) only my older boy knew we were seeing eachother my youngest was told but he was too little at the time to understand what that meant.

 

[imthankful]

@etlamb My advice is get them around each other as a “friend” with a group of people they are comfortable with! If you feel like you need to see if they all jive and get along

 

[ta_dah]

@etlamb Introduce him as a friend, no PDA when you're in this phase.
Do fun stuff together with the kids every second week and see how the kids take to him. Ultimately although you may see marriage on the cards,, if the kids don't like him, time to move on.
Good luck