New here, seeking guidance in uncharted territory

[maddie_addie]

Thank you in advance to anyone who reads as I try to articulate my situation. Would love any feedback, whatever it may be.

Tl;dr below

My wife ( S 37) and I ( K 34) are at a predicament with the care of our son ( Z 3) and daughter ( B 19 mos).

S- Breadwinner, insurance, savings plan
K- Starting GC company within the past 4 months was a PM for past 5 years for developer.

We had them in daycare for part time care Z 3 days a week and B 2 days. It was $2900 a month, the care was decent but there was so much turnover and the communication was frustrating. We set good habits at home but the center was not on the same page nor would they compromise with our requests. So we began our search for a nanny. This was about 8 weeks ago.

We had looked during the summer but I’m sure everyone here knows it’s a needle in a haystack to find someone you can trust to care for your babies. However we found someone we have been acquainted with before (she worked for her dad at the farmers market and we bought produce from her family) and she ( J ) seemed great. Her communication was great, she had interviewed well (I had my hesitations), and she was totally on board with being flexible.

Some background info on my hesitations. She is not a documented citizen but has been here since she was 2. She is 20 and seemed a bit aloof but I chalked that up to being young. She said she had insurance however turns out that was a lie. She drives without a license. I could go on but we almost felt desperate and can could cut our daycare bill in half by using her.

So we put in our 30 day notice to our daycare (required per contract) to end care. We ended up not sending our kids the last 2 weeks because half the daycare was sick, and they kept letting Z nap for 2.5 hrs which we asked to not have him sleep that long because he doesn’t go to bed at night. Anyhoooo… done with that shitshow and on to the next.

J Starts about 6 weeks ago and started off rocky and now we are on boulders. She’s called out twice, communication is not like it was during interview, and she just told us she’s pregnant with her BF who already has a 4 year old (not hers). She never reads the detailed notes my wife leaves and she doesn’t know how to get the kids calm when they get upset or when we do handoffs. It’s been absolutely frustrating because it feels like we were bamboozled.

To keep it short we are at a crossroads as to what to do. I have the flexibility currently to be a SAHD. It wouldn’t be everyday as my wife is half work from home and has a fairly flexible schedule. It would only be to Fall 24’ as Z might go to 4K and B has a spot at a local Montessori.

Tl; dr
Daycare was breaking the bank, new nanny bamboozled us, possible SAHD solution.

I guess I’m putting this out there to see if anyone has input to our situation, recco to any SAHD material to make it fun and enjoyable. I’m open to all feedback.

Thank you so much for your time!

 

[frostx1x]

@maddie_addie I am so sorry but WHAT?

“She is not a documented citizen… She is 20 and seemed a bit aloof… she said she had insurance but turns out that was a lie. She drives without a license.”

Why in Frith did you hire this woman? Yes you were desperate but in all honesty, you get what you pay for. That whole paragraph is screaming a guttural reaction of RUN! Run far away from this girl, yet you did it anyway.

Daycares aren’t perfect and they can’t be expected to cater to all of your needs, they have tons of kids to care for and if they did that with everyone, they wouldn’t be a functional company.

That all said, it sounds like you know your option. Be a SAHD. If your wife has flexible hours and part time work from home and you can stay, I don’t see why this wasn’t brought up in the first place.

What about also finding a high schooler near you who wants some extra cash after school? You could stay in the house so if anything happens, you are still there, and you can have time to work on your business for a few hours a week when the come on Wednesday and Thursdays or however you want to arrange it.

 

[davidnando2]

@maddie_addie I just want to say that if your wife is working from home, she’s working from home!!! Not raising kids/ caring for them. I would center my decisions on. Solution that doesn’t require your wife to multitask or take away from her paid position no matter how ‘flexible it is”. Best of luck tho

 

[klearskyz27]

@davidnando2 So much this! OP, your wife is the breadwinner, you are not. You cannot rely on her to be in charge of kids during her working hours, that’s unreasonable and can absolutely put her job in jeopardy which is absolutely stupid to do considering how much of the financial burden she is carrying. If you have opportunity to be a SAHD, you are the one in charge of the children, it’s simple. You can figure out income if you are working outside of your wife’s hours, but you cannot rely on her to work and care for kids, it’s unreasonable.

 

[maddie_addie]

@klearskyz27 I agree with everything y’all are saying but I never said I’ve relied on her to take care of the kids while she’s working. She enjoys the time she does get to spend but obviously with work guilt, which is why I am even proposing being a SAHP. I’m all for making my family’s life easier.

 

[brucepjr]

@maddie_addie Will you be working part time or fully SAHP?

The way you talk about your wife being flexible implies that you want her to work AND do childcare. That’s not going to work. If you’re a SAHP then you’re the childcare while the working spouse works. When the working parent gets off, you go to 50/50. But the SAHP is usually responsible for the bulk of the mental load. Are you prepared to do that?

The key to being a SAHP now that I have hindsight, is that it’s not about equality in chores, it’s about equivalent free time. There might be extremely little free time with very young kids, but it should be roughly equal between partners.

If I had to do it all over again, I’d put my kids in one day a week childcare. One day gains you a half day of free time for the SAHP and a half day to do the chores that suck with kids following you around. And gives you breathing room to be able to give the working parent free time on the weekend without resentment. Just my 2 cents.

In addition, does your spouse potentially have growth at her job? My being a SAHP has enabled my spouse to achieve promotions he might not otherwise because he’s able to focus on work and not calling out for sick kids. Your loss of income might be not so bad if she is able to increase income.

 

[maddie_addie]

@brucepjr Thank you for your insight it’s very much appreciated!

Still in the early stages of this decision but based off your insights I would probably try to do it full time for the 8 months as described. It’s not that I want my wife to do both it’s her that wants to spend time with the kids since her schedule is flexible. I would support whatever she wants to do. I’m able to get a full time job with benefits as well and her stay home but she doesn’t want that.

I do believe my wife has potential for growth and that’s why I’m suggesting to be a SAHD so she can be comfortable with our children’s care, and not constantly stressed. I don’t mind putting my goals on hold if it means it’s bettering our family in many aspects. I like your idea of the 1 day a week. Grandma lives close by so that could be a possibility!

Thanks again for being helpful and not overly critical.

 

[alkoneronchikom]

@maddie_addie This is only SAHP adjacent, but atm my partner and I work full time and trade off who’s on baby duty, for about five months until we welcome #2. It is hard, but is that something doable (if you need the money or health insurance) until fall ‘24? As I reach the end of pregnancy, we have hired a babysitter to help with some overlap in our shifts and so I can get extra sleep. It is definitely stressful trying to find the right fit! If I wouldn’t have liked this person, I would have trial ran some others on date nights and picked a favorite from there.

 

[barry61]

@maddie_addie What do you do now/would it mean loss of income for your family? Have you cared for both kids alone on the weekend?

I’m a SAHM of 2 and we have our 4yo in part-time preschool. I find it pretty difficult to get anything done with both kids at home under my care alone (I end up having to do stuff but it’s stressful).

 

[maddie_addie]

@barry61 I contract work, remodeling, decks, etc. I am finishing a major deck project now and have a few projects I have bid but unsure if I will get the job. So that’s why I’m kind of in Limbo and have the ability to be a SAHP before taking on more work.

I have watched my kids alone several time and it’s been great, nevertheless exhausting but definitely something I enjoyed. It’s such a short time and probably the best option now. Luckily we do have help close by if needed. Looking for childcare is so tough!

 

[katrina2017]

@maddie_addie I have a lot of friends who are nannies. They say there are a lot of cowboys out there. If you decide you want to go the nanny route in the future, I would recommend selecting candidates with qualifications and several references from families with children similar ages to yours. But good nannies are typically more expensive than daycare centers.

Having a parent working from home with toddlers would be a difficult option from my experience. My husband worked from home for 6 weeks when I was recovering from surgery, and even though his employer was very flexible, it was incredibly stressful and difficult. Any time there was a hard deadline or an important meeting, our child had a massive tantrum. He had to get up extra early to work before our daughter wanted to get up and late into the night. By the end of the six weeks, it was clear his colleagues were very glad it wasn't a permanent arrangement.

Even now, if he needs to do some work at home on a weekend, or if I'm ill, it's hard. Our toddler will scream and bang on the office door for the majority of the time.

In your shoes, I think SAHD sounds like the best of the options you've listed.

One other option, which I don't know if you have considered would be in home care. Where I live, there are a number of agencies that supervise people who care for up to 4 kids in their homes as an alternative to a daycare centre. Because there are fewer kids in the space, they are often able to be more accommodating of schedules.