New dad, totally overwhelmed and exhausted, seeks advice

[icscn]

@uwpx You got this Dad!
Lots of great suggestions here - just want to add maybe putting a bed downstairs so she can help without walking stairs (we did this after my c-section and it made things so much easier. Also, I always found those middle of the night diaper changes the hardest, so maybe if you can pick up the baby and change her then hand her to Mom to feed and put back to sleep it could be easier to get Mom involved!

 

[amoakojoseph]

@uwpx I had a C-section, and my placenta was attached to my uterine wall, so it was slightly invasive, but I was still able to move around the first floor after two days. I took motrin and Tylenol

We had to set up shop on the first floor until I managed to go up and down the stairs. To heal faster from a c-section, movement is necessary.

 

[dan9999]

@uwpx I just went through this. It gets better.

I’ll dm you

 

[bassgasmask]

@uwpx Ask family or friends for help, This is what our prenatal class taught us was to have a few trusted people we trust to help us out with caring, cleaning, errands, etc.

 

[lozzymagoo]

@uwpx In my opinion it would be unreasonable for her to do zero nights at all. Even though recovery is tough, it’s hard on ANYONE to do nights entirely by themselves. I’m surprised more comments aren’t saying that it’s unfair to you to not have any help at nights.

See if you two can work out an arrangement to get you some extra sleep at night. You’ll need it!

 

[ladyberyl]

@uwpx As someone who went through a very similar situation, if financially you can swing it, highly highly recommend hiring an overnight nurse/doula for some nights. We just had our second baby girl a few weeks ago and my wife had another c-section. It has been worth the money for us to both be able to sleep and also just mentally, knowing you have someone to help out overnight here and there also just makes the day easier to grind through.

 

[chrischin1945]

@uwpx 2 time c-section mom (one emergency and one planned): it's reasonable. It sucks recovering for abdominal surgery and caring for a newborn but it has to happen. I will say the first one is THE HARDEST. You are thrown into the deep end and have a spouse recovering for surgery on top of it. You're doing it on hard mode, it's not just you or something you're doing wrong.

Big Questions: If she's sleeping overnight, is she breastfeeding/pumping or doing formula? If you're on formula: setup a formula station in babies room. We used a Baby Breeza water dispenser, we poured in nursery water and it kept it at the perfect temperature at all times. When it was time for a bottle we'd fill the water, add the formula ourselves and it was done. If you're doing pumped milk: prep bottles and place them in a cooler bag you take with you each night upstairs and keep a bottle warmer in the room. You can keep a basket nearby to put used bottles in and just clean them in them in the morning. Prioritize getting back to sleep.

Do you have any supportive family and/or friends nearby? Family help was crucial for us. Having an extra adult for an overnight is GOD TIER. Even just one time was a huge boost. If an overnight isn't possible, having someone who can swing by to do those cleaning tasks- even just the bottles or laundry. This isn't an option for some people but in case anyone has been like "oh let me know if you need help?)- call them. Tell them specifically what you need. "Hey, does that offer for help still stand? We are in the thick of it right now and I just need help getting caught up on laundry. I can promise a baby snuggle in return!"

All in all: you are doing great right now. You sound like a kind, supportive, loving partner and parent. What helped me was keeping my head down and getting through life a few hours at a time. And if it's any consolation: if you decide to do this again and have a second one it is WORLDS easier. The first one breaks you like a wild horse, you are being transformed right now and it's painful.

 

[sambobdow]

@uwpx I’m in the same boat and about the same timing. HMU if you need to vent @uwpx

 

[moseswashigh]

@uwpx I had a C section a month ago and I did every night feeding. And every day feeding. I didn’t take a single feeding off. Your wife is asking too much of you. Also, I don’t think you can trigger PDD, I think it’s either going to happen or not. Your wife cannot expect you to do nights by yourself for the entire newborn phase, that is absurd! And also at a week out she should be perfectly able to feed the baby! Especially if she is two weeks out. I started driving at the two week mark. It’s also totally true that the more she moves around the faster she will heal.

 

[srcnfk]

@uwpx So, this is an unpopular opinion but literally every single parent has some form of PPD/PPA. Every single one. Yes, some have more severe symptoms than others but it’s not an excuse to bow out of parenting. It’s just not. We all have to take care of ourselves and push through the tough times to be there for our kids and spouses. I had a traumatic & emergency c-section. Every body heals differently but after 2 weeks your wife can absolutely wake up for night feedings. It’s great you are assisting with stairs and lifting etc. but she can be doing more. Things need to be split as evenly as they can. You can’t go without sleep and your wife needs to start to buckle up and be more present. Parenting is hard. This won’t be the end of the hard times. I say this respectfully.

 

[sony521]

@uwpx Can you get grandparents to help out?
I’ve had my mom and mother-in-law help and it’s made our lives soooo much easier.

 

[somewhereweakness]

@uwpx Are you on paternity leave? We split our nights for a few weeks. Then we alternated feeds. Now one of us will take all night feedings one night each on the weekend so we both get one long weekend sleep. We have tried just about everything. The first four weeks while my husband was on paternity leave I slept 8pm to 1 am we were both up from 1 to 2 so I could have one last pump and wash everything from his shift. Then I was up from 2-8 or so. Then he would take back over and I would sleep until noon. Some days my parents would come over they would take baby and bottle duty my husband and I would both sleep. You just have to survive in the beginning. I asked about paternity leave just to see how flexible your time might be. It may not work to have an 8 hour stretch but a solid four hour plus would be ideal. Also we put our bottles in the dish washer and bought more bottles to extend how many times we were washing.

 

[happyhealthyme88]

@uwpx Of course its reasonable to expect help, its almost impossible to do it alone. Even if you take over night shift you should get some solid sleep in the day time. 2-4 hours is not sustainable and you WILL burn out.

This is coming from someone who had 48 hour labour and a traumatic c section. Men can also develop PPD. Its okay to readjust things when they aren’t working. Instead of catching up on chores while she watches the baby, SLEEP!!!! Having your husband burn out or take care of a baby while sleep deprived is not sustainable at all.

 

[genemz]

@uwpx Get family to live with you and help. 10/10 worth it.

 

[pgobollan]

@genemz Not everyone lives near family or has family that can take time off to travel out to help, unfortunately.