New dad, totally overwhelmed and exhausted, seeks advice

[uwpx]

Hi, new dad with c-section wife about 1-2 weeks in to baby life.

Before the birth I told her I would handle all the night feedings because I wanted to get her prioritizing sleep to help with healing.

So far, this has been the case - however I underestimated the c-section restrictions, she cant carry the baby up/down stairs, cant drive, and has to limit her overall stair climbs (we live in a 2-story). So now I'm up all night with the baby, and up all day running things up and down the stairs and catching up on cleaning etc.

We try to get her stocked up enough for me to take naps, but it usually doesn't work out because there's so much to do, plus I don't want to sleep through our baby's wake windows and miss her entire newborn phase.

I don't know what to do, but I've been sleeping maybe 2-4 hours per day total and I can't keep this up for the 6-8 weeks until our baby starts sleeping longer at night. I'm barely able to stay ahead of bottle cleaning and laundry as it is.

I brought up how exhausted I am last night and she immediately burst into tears about how tired she is and how hard it is healing from the surgery. I'm now also very worried I can't bring up my struggles because of the risk of triggering PPA/PPD.

She does watch the baby during the day so I can catch up on cleaning and occasionally grab an extra hour or two of nap.

My question: is it reasonable to ask a 1-2 week PP c-section mom to take a night shift from time to time? How do you approach difficult conversations in that critical post-partum window when the risk for PPD is highest? I want to make it clear I'm not resentful or anything, I am just looking for advice on how or if to approach a request for help at night. I am still very committed to prioritizing her recovery, so if the only option is to tough it out on 3 hours a night for 2 months then I guess that's where we're at.

 

[godsappointedtime]

@uwpx I think it's reasonable to have a discussion. You're both exhausted in different ways, but you also need some rest. You being exhausted and burnt out is not going to help anyone. I think it would be a reasonable idea to take night shifts so for example you sleep 7pm-1am and she sleeps 1am-7am or something similar.

For reference, I had a c section, the first week was the hardest in terms of mobility and overall discomfort, but after the first week things started to get easier and less painful.

 

[sugarbuster]

@uwpx Hey man first off congratulations! My LO is just about to be 6 months and my wife’s PP recovery was pretty tough as well.

My advice is you really have to tough it out, if you can bring someone in to help (your mom, her mom, hire someone) that would help.

I know its really rough, but just imagine how tough it is for you but with just having gone through a major surgery after 9 months of growing a human and now the hormonal changes, pains etc. It might not be what you want to hear but we got the easier job as dads at this stage.

I would do your venting to your friends, coworkers, here and basically anywhere other than at home. This is not the time for difficult conversations. Praise her, ask her how you can help and take the little opportunities to rest whenever you can. You didn’t mention anything about your work situation but if you are working see if you can take some time off, that helped me a ton.

Toughing it out now will only help her recovery go smoother and quicker and you will absolutely make it out the other side and fall into a routine and start to get more rest and be glad you didn’t stroke the fire by potentially triggering her or just adding to her stress. The fact that she broke down crying when you expressed yourself means she too is toughing it out and could very well be thinking the same things as you.

I wish I had more actionable tips, hopefully some more experienced peeps can provide that. Best of luck bro!

 

[dan9999]

@sugarbuster Just wanna chime in and say that we don’t have to diminish dad’s struggle here to acknowledge that mom is really going through it with post surgery.

My wife fully admits that I had it harder for the first few weeks because like you, I also did absolutely everything, while also acknowledging that her surgery and recovery has been painful and difficult for her in many ways, one of which is not being able to help physically as much.

But if you’re doing it right, the way I look at it is like sports - if you have a star player injured during the season, you don’t play them at 50% and possibly delay recovery, you let them rest and recover so that they can be 100% as soon as possible. We did this and now she is watching baby through the night starting week 5 or so as I have gone back to work. But she might not have been able to unless I gave her all that space to recover properly and not reopen or aggravate any wounds.

 

[tapereagle]

@uwpx Everyone is different… i was doing nights from day one with my c section. Sitting up was a bitch. I was allowed to carry my baby up and down the stairs.i was probably driving again by 2 weeks. Slightly pushing oneself does help recovery. I would go downstairs every morning and camp on my couch so my partner didn’t have to run up and down. So i went up and down 1x per day. Id walk around as much as i could, basically until my incision felt sore. If not already using your wife should try lidocaine patches. They were the best pain treatment. They are also OTC. Place close to incision but not directly on it. I couldn’t apply them myself. I had to fight for them in the hospital, but my dr said they were the best pain reliever, nearly no side effects, risk of dependence etc. the way the nurses reacted i thought they were some highly controlled drug, they were pushing me to use oxy instead. My worst recovery day was actually the day i was discharged, bc i was sent home without those patches and couldn’t get any until the end of the day. I went from “very mobile” to feeling worse then i did day 1 post op that day.

 

[josamrat]

@tapereagle I second this. Was doing overnights in the hospital, taking turns with my husband. We camped out in the living room our first two weeks home and kept alarms on as soon as when to feed the baby. Even if one of us was feeding the other was awake. Our guy needed to gain back some weight. I pushed myself a lot, but I’m not the type of person to sit still. My husband went back to work after two weeks so I had to do it on my own all day. It’s hard. There are a lot of emotions going on. But you have to work together and you can’t do it all on your own.

 

[19ana89]

@uwpx I don't think it's unreasonable to have a conversation about if she can do a few of the night feedings. I understand the concern for PPD/PPA for the moms but dads can totally get it too. Is she also getting up to pump breast milk through the night too? It's tough when you're pumping so you're always up every 2-3 hours and you're not even sleeping much in between because you have to store the milk, clean parts, etc. between each session.

I've had two c-sections that went without complication so my healing recovery was fairly uneventful. My husband had around 2 weeks off of work after both deliveries and he did most of the night feedings then. I was still awake and pumping breast milk at the time baby was eating but we would alternate who settled them back to bed if needed. Like sometimes our kids would go right back to sleep and sometimes they needed to be held and rocked a bit before falling asleep. Once my husband went back to work, I did 99% of the night feedings because it was my choice and I was now a SAHM.

And then we also changed our priorities and expectations for our household. We bought enough bottles that I didn't need to wash them every day, I can do them every other so it cuts back on that. We picked up loosely around the house every day but vacuuming was like maybe once a week or every other week if that. Our downstairs had like a second of everything we had upstairs for baby, like changing table, tons of burp cloths, diapers, everything so there wasn't the constant up and down the stairs.

Our first we had during COVID so we didn't have any family to help in the earlier weeks but when we had our second a few months ago, my mother came to stay with us for a couple of weeks, and also my brother came for a week to help and I was so grateful, especially having to care for our toddler on top of of the baby. Do you have family or friends that could offer a hand with maybe chores or errands to help lighten the load?

 

[flowersforever]

@uwpx You both need sleep. I am 4 months pp now, but I also had a c section and my husband and I were splitting night duties from day 1. I know everyone feels different after surgery but I was carrying the baby up and down the stairs immediately. I prioritized moving. Hell I put away our christmas decor in the middle of the night once because I was up lol. Yes I wasn’t lifting anything more than the baby weighed but I was still moving around. We took turns napping during the day and did shifts at night until she was able to sleep a little longer. Plus I had to get up at night and pump anyway.

I did struggle with PPA pretty badly, but I would never blame my husband for that or anything. It’s a really emotional time, and sure some of it was due to lack of sleep but just because your wife needs sleep doesn’t mean you don’t

 

[slusc1lk]

@uwpx I’m 3 weeks postpartum with a c section and a difficult recovery (still struggling with pain) - this is how my partner and I have been doing overnights in case that helps. Heads up we have a pretty sleepy baby still so this may or may not work depending on your kid’s needs.

We both go to bed pretty early after feeding the baby around 8/9. We then feed him every 3-4 hours after that. Each feeding is a teamwork event: partner brings me the baby to breastfeed so I don’t have to get up and down, I feed while he dozes, then halfway through partner changes the diaper and I doze, then I finish the feeding and partner puts baby back in the basinet.

We do shifts for non feeding/changing needs. If baby cries and is not hungry during the first half the night, my partner holds and soothes him. If he cries in the early morning, partner brings me the baby and I hold him and do the soothing.

We both get several 3-4 hour chunks of (broken) sleep most nights this way - my average is 7 hours a night all said and done. I don’t have to get up and down and we both feel supported by the other with this system. Fortunately baby is not colicky or fussy so far and we are both on leave, so I do know we are lucky and privileged in a lot of ways.

 

[doraeme]

@slusc1lk Can confirm. Am partner.

 

[djgedeon]

@uwpx Do you have friends and/or family that could come by and help for a few hours out of week? Are you in a position to hire a little bit of daytime help for a while so you can rest and/or in the alternative can you hire a cleaning company to maybe stop by once a week forna short amount of time? You do need a reasonable amount of sleep, not only for your mental health but also just for your general health. You need enough sleep to be functional and alert at night. Is it possible to set your wife up on the lower floor of your home so she doesn't have to do the stairs? When LO was new we bought a bunch of extra bottles so if we didn't have time to wash them right away at least we had a few extra clean ones until we had time to get to them. Don't feel pressured to keep your house spotless - we were in the middle of a move and still unpacking with LO, assembling additional furniture, etc. Our house wasn't dirty, just a bit disorganized but once we were rested and fed it was much easier to worry about tidying. Also, I didt experience PPD - I was a little upset in the hospital for a day or two, but if it seems like your wife needs help try gently suggesting she seek help at her check up.

 

[djgedeon]

I also agree with the other commenter that after week 1 post c-section I felt a lot better and was managing my pain alternating tylenol and ibuprofen, but I was also up and shuffling around the day after my surgery. I never opened the oxy they sent me home with, but everyone recovers differently. If it seems like your wife isn't getting any better or she always seems sad, definitely seek some extra help.

 

[preachejohn200]

@uwpx I had a c section and I was a single mother, with the help of a night nanny for 2 months. You get better quite quickly physically, but it took me 3 months to really get back into a functional mental and physical space. I hated pumping and bottle feeding because of all the washing, but had to do that for the night nanny. Once night nanny left, I switched to breastfeeding only. And life got SO MUCH better.

You’ve had plenty of advice on shifts. It’s ok to ask your wife to take a shift so you can nap and rest, and be functional for all the other work. It might be better for her to take a day shift so she wouldn’t fall asleep suddenly. I did almost no work and I still kept falling asleep holding the baby, because recovery and pumping (esp night) IS exhausting.

Id say that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s brutal in the beginning while you both try to figure everything out. So do only the necessary - you don’t have to clean the house too much, you don’t need to keep everything too tidy. Order food in. Nap when you can. Just survive! It’ll get better when you catch baby’s rhythms and yours.

 

[gongralia]

@uwpx i don’t know about c section recovery but after two weeks of no sleep for either of us, the only logical thing we could think to do was shift sleep. You both gotta get night sleep. 5-6 hours for each of you will be life changing or even 4 hours. You need to be able to sleep to show up for your wife and baby.

 

[lostandafraid]

@uwpx Wow this takes me back. I had a csection and my partner had the same plans as you. I had to do more than I planned because we weren't comfortable with getting help and tbh I don't know how helpful an outside person would be unless they were a night nurse. I would seriously consider a night nurse if that's available in your area. Lack of sleep is a safety issue for the baby not a luxury so you need to ask your wife again what would be the best way for you to get some rest. I did far too much at the start and slowed my healing so I'm not recommending that but she should be starting to feel well enough to take one wake window off you so you can get a few solid hours.

 

[muazekiel]

@uwpx Can she stay awake and hold the baby for a few hours while you sleep? Make sure he’s fed and had a fresh diaper and sleep in the room. If she’s not breastfeeding, maybe set her up with a backup bottle (you can keep some of the premixed formula on hand for this, there are ones where all she has to do is break the seal and pop a nipple on). And just be right there if she needs you, but her holding the baby will surely give you a longer stretch of sleep than if he’s in the bassinet. Babies are always more content in the arms of their parents.

 

[mokusatsu]

@uwpx Lack of sleep is so hard! When I was recovering from my C-section I would do night shifts, my husband would set up everything I might need (snacks, water, changing station) within really close proximity and get some sleep while I held baby/watched tv. We have a toddler at home that he needed to care for during the day, so him being sleep deprived wasn’t really an option.
If you can get some help from family/friends to clean, ask! Take it one day at a time and good luck

 

[acey1]

@uwpx Renegotiate something with her that can help you not go insane and still protects her somewhat. This period will be over before you know it, but you also can't shield her completely from being a mom. That's not what being a dad is.

Figure out her tolerances and slowly build a ramp towards evening things out. It's unfeasible to happen overnight given her needing to recover. But a slow ramp-up over time that you can both live with is best.

 

[jacky8887]

@uwpx I had a c-section and the first 2 weeks were really hard for my husband too. I breastfeed so I was doing nights too, but even still, he had to bring baby to me to eat, and put her back when she was done, so we were both up. If you’re good at falling asleep, though, you can get baby up and to your wife, sleep while she feeds baby, and then put baby back to bed.

Having family visit briefly was nice because they were able to watch baby while we napped, and could stay with baby and I so my husband could just take a break without worrying that I’d need something.

Things improved a lot mid week 2 when I was able to get in and out of bed by myself and could lift my baby out of containers, and it just got better from there. Hang tough!

Also to note - the first 2 weeks were so hard for me too. I was in a lot of discomfort bordering on pain, exhausted from round the clock feedings, and on top of it, felt totally useless and guilty for how much I was relying on my husband. The early period is hard for both parents (typically) so just a reminder to approach any conversation about this with empathy, and hopefully your wife has the same mindset.

 

[tamiddavis]

@uwpx I had a csection and was breastfeeding so I mainly did night shifts from day1. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to ask that she takes a couple of nights a week or if you split the night into shifts. Fathers can also have PPA/PPD so I would be concerned of that for yourself too.

Don’t worry about keeping the house clean. That was the last on the list for us outside of cleaning bottles and making sure we also ate. Paper plates / plastic utensils were a lifesaver, less to worry about cleaning. Do you have any family or trusted close friends that can come by during the day to give you guys a break for a couple hours? I know you don’t want to miss wake windows but you need to sleep as well.